Talk

Conversation, questions, comments, answers.

Really we all strive for this.

I've realized i've lost the people I use to talk to. Spill my soul to. Releasing heavy thoughts from my soul. Everything has been adding up. Love, Life, Work, Pain, everything. It's like i've become a master of self loathing. My cynicism has engulfed me so bad that I fool myself into that I am happy. Have I been lieing to myself for a few years now. I'm not sad. I'm not mad. I'm not upset. I'm not depressed. I'm not here. Have I been denying myself the ability to feel. Only imagining happiness. Ignornace is bliss, and i'm blissfully ignorant.

Maybe I am mad. Everything seems to be culminating into this month. I've managed for years with this attitude of I'm okay. Maybe I am mad. I have the right. Why do I feel so alone. Is my image of everyone to inflated. Do I expect too much out of everyone, becuase i expect too much out of myself. Am I so afraid of love that I fool myself into it. Poking around, getting lost, getting hurt, enduring throughout.

Am I afraid of love because i'm sure it fades. It disappears. It dies. Have I been burned too much. Too callous to notice reality. To shallow to know its real. Setting up myself for failure, disaster. Destined to call my own fate. Loving things that wont love me back. Loving things that are out of my league. Loving things that won't love back. Loving things that are unloving. Do I not love myself. I'm sure i'm a great guy. I know i'm funny and smart. Aesthetically maybe thats what it comes down too. Sad.

I'm confused I know it. I'm lost and I know it. I'm sad and I know it. Can you know something and not accept it. Do I need this. Does my head hurt and my heart heavy because I havent felt sorry for myself. Because I havent blamed others. I havent yelled out to God why are you doing this to me. Do I need to shed tears over a dead mom. Do i need to be angry at lindsay, at girls, at girl. Have I given out so much compassion i've burnt myself up on me.

Am I expecting too much when saying I want someone to rescue me. I hope not. Shouldnt there be someone out there destined to grab me by the hand and pull me out of the water. Banging my chest and saying breathe. How can I save myself when I'm drowning. Doesn't God know this. Can't he hear me. Doesnt he understand my soul. Am I not a lost sheep. A lost sheep who wants to be found.

I guess i should shed a tear for myself. Drop my selflessness and become an asshole. Going after things when I shouldnt. Taking things that dont belong to me. Having no feelings or remorse for actions.

I'm not even sure anymore. God says I am everyone. The poor, the unfortunate, the incarcerated. He is people, and I go to extremes to help. When is it my turn.

I guess it all comes down to I want to be loved. Primaly that is all we have. To have worth. To smile. I've lost the people that I loved. I know there is people that love me, I guess I just havent gotten over the fact that I lost people that I love. How do I do that. How do I get loved again. How can I not be the passed up person. The your great and I love you but.... You've saved my life yet.... I'd marry you except.... I'm a cause with no effect.

I was a mommas boy. No one will ever understand that. Even understand what was there.

I know I dont.

I don't understand myself. Sara was right I don't.

I like myself. On many occasions i even love myself



Maybe I'm just sick.and lonely.sad maybe depressed.needing love.and everything else.and to be held.to be touched.to be told everything is ok.to know everything will be ok.for that breath of air you take the moment life has just turned.turned for the better.when will you come.how can i get ya.God is waiting.So it's a pride game.I'm calling for help.

Maybe I just need sleep. or a gun. i'll take sleep since theres no 3 day waiting period.

Renewal,

today for 4 minutes I felt alive. My heart beat with life. My mind cleared.




only because he will always say it better.

101

101 posts.

i dont care that their all about misfortune, brevity of life, goings on, and the goings in.

sometimes i just wanna say thank you god, but for what.

other than a nice job, clothes and a roof. i should say thank you dad instead.

tumulturous.

the weather and my being.

i think everyone neeeds to stop saying that i'm a) in love with lindsay or b) that i'm still going to marry her

it's done, she's preg and engaged.

i dont wish that on my worst enemy.

it's ok i've seen someone close their eyes for the last time.

i've had my dad cry on my shoulder.

i dont have anything.

nothing more than liquid fire, burning a path down my face.

i know what I am, I need not to worry about destiny.
nothing more than a game of cat and mouse in ahouse full of mousetraps.

please sir get out of the way, please sir don't touch, please sir don't talk, please sir another time.

i'm a shadow without the benfit of the sun.

don't worry about oblivion, i don't have to sink there, they've had my reservations.

confusion

remind me why i do anything for anyone...


my eyes feel as dry as my soul.

my stare mimicks my heart, blank.

myself is a mass of wrong ideas and barking trees.

what is left.

nothing more than an empty shell, like a glass beer bottle lieing in the street
that once had its share of fun and memories but left for blank stares

Goo...

I'm exhausted. I can close my eyes and the room will spin. an axis indpendent of me. I have a headache with the pressures of life closing in. Decisions Decisions Decisions... I just wish we could live in moments.

I love moments. They have a tendency to freeze time but if only briefly. Time which seems to be against all of us. 2 days ago i was riding my bike now i'm 22.

Can love be forced. Can love be a pursuit. How do I know whats for me. How do I know if she knows. Can love be wrong. Can i be wrong. Does God have a plan or is it up to me. To find love. Happiness. a pursuit of life.

My mood. Does it really matter. Does any of it really. I have this awful feelings i'm going to become Descartian. Acknowleding anything i do or perceive is wrong.

I guess i really dont know what to even think, my mind is more mashed than pototoes. It's tired and exhausted. It has a million things going on ontop of another million that is important. How am I going to keep going in this world when i feel like i'm stumbling. I can take solace in the fact that atleast i'm moving.

I have 2 hours to sleep. And all i can think about is I can perceive people so much better than myself. I can intuit things outside of my life. I know what everyone wants except for me. I'll always know other peoples moods and thoughts yet left shadowed in mine own.

Maybe all I need is a kiss goodnight and a everything will be ok.

I tell everyone else their going to be ok, i've just assumed that I may not be.

atleast i have my family. my extended family.

I'm still looking for the time where people go out of their way for me. Still waiting.

i guess thats the whole point of life, is waiting. waiting for that oppurtune time. where your mind fuses with your soul and you realize what you need and love.


i'm just tired more to come later.

inspired

i feel all this inspiration to write, it's actually quite accomidating. I'm always on this constant journey of self discovery. I know its some sort of never ending quest, the search for the holy grail, the search for finding true love. Never ending passions never ending trails. But there is something in that last example. That holds true to self discovery. How can anyone know true love with out knowing true love of themself.

I know some of you are going to say having true love in God will help me find my true love on earth. I say not quite, it might help but really i dont think so. Finding true love in god is putting your love into a contextual situation, relatively outside yourself. I love god vees a vee my true love will have the same ideas of god as me. But is it really right to put love in a context. It's not a word you don't know but trying to figure it out. It's a word you know but the meaning is generalized. How can I love someone with out knowing how to love myself. I think that falls into God giving you wht you need and not what you want.

I have to know who I am. why I am. what I am. To know what is right for me. How incredibly hard. It's like hitting a grand slam in the world series 3 balls 2 strikes with 2 outs and bottom of the 9th. Not impossible but however daunting yet incredibly plausible.

Do i think you figure it out than find the person, nah thats to formulaic. And life isn't a formula, it's a cycle. It's cause and effect. A pursuit. That other person falls your way and helps that self discovery. It's an amazing thing, i have to believe.

What does this all mean. I'm not sure yet i know. Maybe i'm afraid to say it. Maybe you can't hear it.

I know a few things about life. I've felt many of them. Experience is the knowledge of life. it can only get you so far though. I don't hate. It's useless and not practical. I hurt but not for long. I dont hold grudges. Doing so makes no sense. I am genial. If thats wrong than what is right. Does all this make me niave. Nah i'm realistic. I have a healthy dose of cynicism. Nice guys finish last. However cliche it is, it is fairly true. Life is forever owed to the assholes and insolent people of this world. I do my best though. And however assumpterous it is of me, i assume the same for others. Love isnt contextual for oh my life is. Life is context and no one can understand the context except for that person himself.

Life is a circus house of mirrors forever skewing the way you see yourself, when all you need to do is use the one in your hand.

It's funny how easy it is to forget in reality all the power we have is in our hands.

I'm aware. but i'm not perfect. I get caught up in the house of mirrors all the time. Sometimes i swear i'm seeing myself. I look so ugly and skewed. It's so disheartening. Than it gets to the point where i can close my eyes and remember that i am in control. I know that everything out there is exactly that out there.

I dont want to say all I have is me, but thats maybe how I feel. Which is why i need someone to help me with this whole God afterthought. (not someone to quote scripture or to try and "save" me) but someone who doesnt just mean well but has perspective.

Really i guess i'm just amazed at how life turns itself up. Everyone ends up where they really didn't think they were going. Doing things they maybe didn't think they'd do. Maybe not everyone but i think mostly. No one can call life like picking the winner of a horse race. but i guess you can bet on it.

I bet you 150 dollars the horse tim zimmerman doesn't get first, but i know he did what he did because thats what he was supposed to do.

cryptic language looking around the lines


i dont want to say the end because there is no end in sight. just a constant struggle and a movement forward. I see the best in people maybe because I can see the best in me.

Maybe i can see the best in people because i can see with my soul and not with my eys.

i prefer the latter, because i dont see the best in me but i know its there. just like you.



and everyone for that matter.

the commence.

tired, just tired

for once my body feels like my being... incredibly tired.

my eyes feel hollow, what an odd feeling to have. to feel like there is nothing behind them.
glass mirrors for me to see out of. Have I been looking at life the wrong way, or am I just so tired that i feel empty. No ones fault except mine really, pushing myself to the edge with little regard to who i am. Going on with no sleep, having 18 hour days, little to eat and not enough to drink. Even in a non tangible way i've pushed myself to the edge with friends, family....and all the rest. I put myself in so many people that maybe now I feel a little lost. Well I'm always lost, as we should be because there is no map to life.

I know what your going to say, I can hear it now already. God. He feels you up. (that sounded dirty but never mind that) (well actually i'll take what I can get)


I can hear your thoughts, you miss God, his Grace, Jesus.
and I'll say what I honestsly feel, maybe your right. Maybe i've gotten so mixed up these past few years with the absurd happenings of life that i've forgotten the solution. Do I want a solution. Tangible. I havent forgotten about him, i still talk to him sometimes. The conversation seems to always be one sided. I'm not looking for answers, I don't need proof. I don't need proof that a parade of elephants isn't going to come out of my butt right now. But I do need to know that he still cares. I've lived this life the past few years that involved self sacrafice, friendliness, respect, care, soul, and listening. I've been my brothers brother and his keeper. I've been friends with people that have hurt me, hid my heart in the crevice of my body to be friends with girls who've blown me off. Gone out of my way to be the person someone needs. I just need to know he'll do the same for me.

Please do not quote scripture btw if you feel the need to comment, for one this is about God, not the bible and for 2 life is always more interesting than a book of words.

So all this to lead up to what I feel is my main point, and the one i've discovered to be true. God (we'll say God, but in the same sense I'll be using Life) as we all believe

give us not what we want but what we need.

He's like the parent swatting our hands at Toys R Us, saying santa will be coming you don't Need that.

Yet everyone is in the pursuit of what they want. I want this great sexy, respecting, nice, loving gentlemen to sweep me off my feet (I'm right here! haha) but you don't get him. You say I want this guy who will have the same view as me when it comes to religion, politics, life. I want this guy to be like my dad (creepy but real).

Who gets what they want. I just think everyone is confused in what they want. You really can't peg down the human race. Most of the time i hear about people getting together and being sucessful it was chance. Some sort of events occured to lead to another to create this cataylst of life along the lines of love.

Everyone can say what they want, because it's so easy to want. I want money, I want a life, I want to be sucessful.

Who knows what they need. I need air i know that, food and water is important. Need calls out for the rule of necessity. What does God percieve to be necessary for me. It doesn't take someone to have the same ideas as you for you to be sucessful. God doesn't want you to become a housewife when he see's a future full of sucess. God will give you what you need because it will be more important than what you want. We want with our eyes, we need with our soul.

So what do I want. I want to feel loved. I want to be able to look into a girls eyes and just know life is ok. I want to fall asleep knowing theres something on the other end waiting for me. I want to know what it's like to be important.

but what do I need. Million dollar question. God knows what I need, but is he going to give it to me. Or is he going to let me make mistakes, get hurt all inorder so I can find it on my own. I know I need a girl who is smart. and funny. The lack of those 2 gives the relationship a rather short shelf life. I need air. What is air to me. How can I breathe. My eyes feel hollow because I'm not breathing. I'm not dieing either. I know what my air is. It's always that one thing that is so close but if i open up my eyes it's so far away. I hope it's my eyes playing tricks on me.

Well since this feels like some theoligical life narrative essay I'll summize and end. Life is a game of wants, when all we really have to do is need. What do I need. It's not a question because you already know the answer.

Hrm...

remember when you realized that searching is only good, when you know what you want to find.

what do you call it when you don't know what you want to find.

we'll call it an adventure, why not i guess.

i like my adventure

life is love

my mind is incredibly tired and drained, with so much to say and no way to materalize
like stars in the sky all i have is constellations, groups of thoughts and ideas
i put together into something that never exsisted
healthy or not it makes for entertainment
i'm a nice guy because
your a nice girl.










side bar i hate walgreens managers who are grump old men the end. love.

5 minutes...

How about a 5 minute blog whilst on my way out to head to school.

We'll say this, rather I'll say this because it's me with the opinions,
It's rather odd and a bit befuddling how life is always turning, there is this constant motion that goes beyond any of us. Inviting new situations, bringing a long new people. Past judgements thrown away and new ideas bubbling up.

Maybe I should make this blog funny, i have the context to do it in not sure if i can put in the effort at any rate my xanga has some funny stories on it

anyway...

the times have change and so have my friends. never neglecting the old but always looking forward to the new, i always worried about the eventuality of hanging out with the same people for 4 years now...it worried me, i love those guys but can't i suceed in more than status quo

recently yeah, me and davey are back to best buds (roomates soon) scott is fully integrated into someone to call and hang out with. My baylor gals have shown me the kind of love that guys only wish for. Emz is a sight for sore eyes and i will always have sore eyes for her. than theres abby, wife to be only to be rarely seen but immensly in love. i still talk to lindsay (though I have moved beyond loving her and put it all in girls in general) I'm a non poet poet at heart. The lack of free verse but the casualness of heart. Most oddly and most genial sara menix whom i am finding out to have so many layers of smart, funny, silly, reaching far beyond her obvious unbelievably gorgeousness. The other lindsey has far suceeded to be my favorite lindsey in the world.

The old is still there rob, ash, tiff, danny (though few and far inbetween)
i just like the way things are going, maybe because i have no idea where they are going
the road less travelled is scarce and being plowed over for a cookie cutter life highway. do this, act like that, be here dont do that and you get this.

thats scary, i dont want to be a product of generalized math problem. I wanna do and act be and feel like only I can. I wanna make mistakes, feel the pain, smile and laugh be proud and try it again all in one breath.

I've never said my life sucks, just sometimes it gets really hard, but look at the other alternative,death. no thank you not just yet.

to summize because i'v exceeded my time,

I'm not in love with girls in general, but i love beautiful girls. and to hold one just for a few hours is the best feeling any man can get, for there a few things that are so beautiful and can be held. And anyone can sleep easier, and wake up more energized having held beauty if but only a few hours.


aka you gotta swing the bat to hit a home run.

Human Investment

There really comes a time when your sitting at home and wondering why it is that your the one sitting at home. I am finding out (probably already knew) that investing in people is risque, unrealiable, and for the most point disappointing. Why put so much into people when life today is self absorbment. The I before the praverbial we. Me before us. and no you. Somehow the earth is busy revolving around everybody on their own instead of the sun. Sorry galileo you obviusly were a humanist. ( i can tell )

So were left with people, the majority, who spend 90 percent of the day worrying about themselves, an ends to a means. Respect has been replaced with pleases and thank you's.
Respect is no longer putting others ahead, cause if you did that where would you be...in the back of the line counting heads, it's a long line might wanna grab a pencil.

So where does that leave me. I wish I could gush about living the right way, having all the answers. I try my best. I invest a little bit of my soul in everyone I meet. More in friends. Even more in loved one. The most in love. I mean really why should I hored this all to myself I already love myself. You know what I don't love...disapointment. I invest all this love, I see something and build all this hope, I feel something and I make the mistake by getting happy, than just like bidding a 100 dollars over on the final showcase for Price is Right, I'm struck with reality. Rules says 100 is correct, but being over never is.

It's a capital investment with gains prospected out the roof but reality is well reality affects it. Romanticism is out. Having an image of people in a good light even with them in dire straights.

Do I set myself up for disaster? possibly. Do I get my hopes up too easily? usually. Do I go through life hiding disappointment? absolutely. Impossible situations make life worth living.

So I find myself alone. Wishing for things that I want and hoping for things I need. My camera is stolen, how fitting. Pieces of happy is contraband in this life.

I dont what to say anymore. let alone doing. I'm in love with life but just like the rest of the girls, life lives too far away. I'm out of life's league anyway. all i got is this shitty blog where it looks like all i ever do is complain. who cares.

i'm tired of being a carpet for humanity. I'm not life's welcome mat. I'm not God's go away housekeeping sign. I'm just a kid trying to figure out what to do with his 6o years. My heart is weak. My state even weaker. Hazards of loving too much, makes the cut even deeper. I'm reacting to my own imagination. I need someone to rescue me. To give me love. To suprise me. To show me that I am worth a damn and that they are my friend. I big hug. A kiss. A pat on the back to say Sorry. For people not to steal my stuff and for people not get caught up so much in their own life.

what will I end up doing...sleeping and dreaming of how life should be.

New Rule

if you read this than you must leave a comment preferbly constructive criticism, rationalization, real life embodiment or something just so i know where i'm going with this thing.