Capricious

I accept in life there are uncertainties. Things can get ambiguous. Unclear. There is always 2 set paths. Set only in the way of, good and bad, happy and sad, yes and no. That has slowly transfered over to love. Or the idea of "love." There is this theory that i hold to be true, especially for the time of today. Convienance has slowly transferred over to "love" This whole idea of well to have it here and now. It feels good. I might not get this feeling again or so much as I forgot what this feels like, let's give myself a gentle reminder. The only problem with this is that one person is going to be a victim.

I might be at the crossroads. On one side is this idea of me and lindsay working out great. and yet the other side says i am just conveinant just a commodity for the time being. One path says go for it and the other says pick up the pieces and walk away while you still can. One says I love lindsay and yet the other beckons the fact that lindsay has maybe changed. Things are different than they were. She's done drugs. She drinks. She's been with other boys. She's in school and more goal orrientated than before. She's anti social. but in retrospect I have changed. I have an affinity for people and For that sake movies as well. I party often enough. I have too been with a few girls. Things happen.

But i can't help to think that this is what we needed. We needed life experiences without each other. We needed to be apart to come together. We have to realize on our own independent from each other what we want in and out of life. We seperated. We endured pain though other people. We expirienced life without the safety net of each other. We grew up. We became closer to who we are. We had our great times but more importantly we both had times to hit rock bottom. Though believe me I hit so much harder than she will ever realize. At my worst i was far away and alone. No comfort. More importantly you have to hit bottom to remember how great the top is. Why in life we cannot take the good times for advantage. You never know when they will leave. Or even worse. Maybe i'm thinking of all this and yet nothing on her end. To her all I am is just Tim Zimm the person who will always be there. Why not just have the old feeling back for a while. Nothing more. No more thought process than that.

With all that what does it leave for me. Nothing but uncertainty. Is this real. Is this imaginary. Can I afford to fall hard again. Can i pick up my peices again. I told myself after that last time i wanted to get back together and she said no I told myself to let it go. It's done. She doesnt see you like that. And the second I act like that what happens. Things go crazy. All i want to know is what the hell is going on. I love the normalcy back in life but i also want to know what this is going to be. It's just frustrating as hell. it really is. Lindsay is important to me. But im not going to sacrafice myself. I want this to be solid and real. I want these emotions to be pertanent and not just available.

I don't want this to be a certain marriage. I dont want this to be an automatic relationship. I don't want this to be given falst pretenses. I just want this given a fair chance. I just want this to be whatever it is. I just want this to be real. If it's just dating than that's fine. Though i'm not a big fan of dating other people while dating me. that actually wont fly. that idea is not good. but even i can try it out once. why not i have a few girls i can date. I just want this to be me and lindsay having fun. feeling good. making memories.

We needed time off. We needed time to realize how much we appreciate each other. I just hope she appreciates me. I just really don't want to be used again. I know she won't. I just want a fair chance. I just want to know what is going on, in her crazy head. I just want to be a little more certain and a little less uncertain.

Lindsay.

I am not too sure how it happened. Or even why it happened. There is no understanding. No one can understand life. and it's predictaments. Life and Love. They are always combating. Life doesn't want love to be constant. and Love wants life to realize the importance. They can and will come together. At time when you don' even realize it. Stuff came out of no where yesterday. Unexpectasies. Things I just believe wouldn't happen. Things i got told from her wouldn't happen. Happened. Alas the misunderstandings of life. You can't tell life and love what to do. They work seperately from any one person. They always move forward independent of our lives. The only way we can participate in either is to take a step. To make a movement. To risk it all. I told myself not to fall again. I reminded myself of everything that has happened. I let go of emotions that were locked in. I let my brain win. I told life I'm ok with where I'm at. Love is great but it's not a neccessacity. Once you accept your situation in life. It changes. The ever constant moving scenery of life. That's what i love about it. You never know whats going to happen. I try so hard to plan life. I put forth small idea's of what i want to do. I envision little futures of what i want. You can't tell life where you want it to take you. You can only move in that direction. And if life is stubborn enough it will force you to take that path.

Things with lindsay has changed. On friday i spent all day with her. The night before she told me about a terrible date she was on. We've all been there. Somebody who seemed interesting. Someone you though you could connect with. The only problem is that they connected with you while you were frozen in fear of them. They are not who you thought. You don't enjoy them. Get away fast. Nobody want's to be stuck with anyone who tries so hard and only ends up being fake. I've been there.

We hang out. We have fun. We laugh. and smile. see each other Eye's. We cuddled. It felt good. Love always feel's good. Love makes all the wrongs in the world seem bearable. You can walk a mile on glass. Make the game winning shot. Love can back you up. She's beautiful. Love. Lindsay is love to me. We made love. It was merely incindental. It wasn't contrived. It wasn't forced. It was relaxed. It happened. We fell asleep. She was unsure. I was unsure. This whole situation hadn't played out in either of our heads. She thought she was over me. I knew she was over me. But there's something serene when it comes to Looking a girl in the eyes while making love and tell her that she is the most beautiful person in the world and mean it. I did that. It wasn't planned. At that time (and for anytime for that matter) I saw in her blue eyes everything that was beautiful. She really is the most beautiful girl. She's not perfect. But no one is. Life wouldn't be life if everyone was perfect. The ticks of life make you realize why the good is so important. Yet even things than was uncertain. She was confused. As was I. I thought those emotions had long left me. I was content with life as lindsay as a good friend. I always knew i love her and want her back but I knew it wasn't my decision. Love can not be one sided. Love is a partnership.

Tonight. Tonight. Things were normal. The normal of us. She sat on my lap at the computer. We played around. We cuddled on the couch. We felt what was important. What was and had always been a constant. Us. I never left her side. I had plent of chances to lose her forever. I didn't want that. I pushed through all the muck to muscle a friendship. I was there to help her out. She let me in. She was afraid. She didn't have to. She let me in cause she knew I will always be there for her. Lindsay means so much to my life. And that is why I believe success is imimenint. Life and love have to co exsist. One can not out weigh the other. Life is what you make of it. Love is how you believe in it. Take chances. Be bold. Grab that uncertainty feeling and accept that it can only be temporary. Life can be good. Life will be good.

She kissed me goodnight tonight. Life is good.

Fake

The more and more I see people. The more and more I start to realize. When did fake become part of the norm. When is it ok for anyone to pretend for be something there not. In life that sickens me. It makes me angry. All these people boys, girls, all put up a front. When i meet a girl or start to chase a girl I let them know upfront i am who i am. i like who i am. i am not going to change who i am. is it because im stubborn. or is it that i just trust my character. but these guys I just dont trust them. and for that part I dont trust most girls. The difference between them is that girls will accept the flattery and not tell you what they think, they like the attention. Boys are just trying to get some ass. Flat out and simple. All this macho man bullshit drives me mad. Who i fucked. How many times. How many girls. It doesnt interest me. Why does anyone want to have that number so high. What does that say about a person. It says you can make a girl believe you are something your not. Cause for the most part girls will have relations with guys the believe are to be true to their heart. (true as in the sense of what a great guy is). I dont like girls who will give up themselves. Give up that one piece of a person that is supposed to be owed to the person you love. I've had 3 lovers and i feel like thats already too high. I would be embarrassed to say that. but I will.
I will admit most of this stems from Lindsay. I see a girl like Lindsay, and hey call me biased if you may, but she is just this picture of a girl who doesnt need to be tainted by what guys can do to a girl. She had a little taste with the clingy manapulative type i dont want her to meet the other side. It can hurt. It will hurt. She has self respect and i'd hate to see her lose it. But all these guys are gunning for her. Maybe not neccassrily on purpose to have sex with her or anything but just after her. But it just drives me mad that she might find a boyfriend and forget about me. and that worries me. Cause honestly the way i look at it, she forget about me with the manipulator it will happen again. that scares me. i dont know how but she just gets to me. she's at my core. I can't fight it. i've tried. we mesh to well. alas thats something else.
as for these fake people. they all have agendas. they all sacrafice themselves.
Ughhh i just wish i could get over her.

I really wish I could. I just can't. Honestly this weekend was quite possibly one of the best one's ive had in a long time. I know it was a fluke though. She likes cuddles. She likes love. She doesnt want me. She just knows she can have me. and she's not even doing it to be cruel. by no means.
I was there. and willing. why not. I would of done the same thing. but man how nice would it be.
To me I feel like I never got an apropiate second chance. I dont know if she's just scared or just doesnt want me. I think its more along the lines she doesnt want a relationship. I think she realizes that she's beautiful and can get any guy. why not play the field. why not change the scenery.

She thinks a relationship would destroy her ambition. I think refusing one destroys her possibilities. A good relationship gives you so many opurtunities. I think back to me and lindsay and i believe i might not have even gone to Texas State or Taken my Internship, or gotten over the death of my mom. All those things i needed someone to help me. I wish I could help her. I get so worked up about her. and i tell myself time and time not to get worked up. To just let things drop, take it as is. But why do i let things light as a feather cut me deep. I read into things. I just set myself up for disaster. I know the best thing would just stop being friends. Forgetting is the easiest way out. I dont accept taking the easy way. I want to live life. I want to make mistakes. And no matter how much of a mistake this might be or is, I accept the consequences. I will gain knowledge and learn about the situations of life. I like fate. I like where it might take me. Life is a challenge. I accept it. I accept who I am. I can only be me. And I can only live the life i am living the best i can. I refuse to be fake. I do not want to be an atypical male. I dont want to sacrafice my mind for my body. I dont want to refuse philosophy to discuss cars. I dont want to lose my self respect to fuck a girl and leave her. I want to treat people with respect and give everyone a chance and most a second chance.
I want my second chance. I really do. I want lindsay back. There's a difference between wants and needs. You dont get wants it's not a neccassary. Needs are important. I need to feel loved. and Loved by someone i appreciate. That's hard to come by. It' s Sunday and the memories of friday are disappearing. That's what life boils down to. Fading memories.

This is life.

This is life. This is what it has come down to. Regrets and idea's. I feel like that's all i have left in me. Change is so difficult. And yet it seems the most integrel part of life. Everchanging. Nothing stays the same. Constants are few and far inbetween. and Constants are only things that I can control. If i can control them than I can mess them up. let's just say i have a tendency to do that. I've been listening to a lot of depressing songs. songs with lyrics about love and love lost. i relate to them. Love is a very elusive figure. Lindsay is a very egnamtic figure for me. she represents everything i had. everything i think i want. she represents i life that i had that i enjoyed. but life changes. and so does attitudes.

I find myself retreating further and further from people. family. life. I like going to work cause at work i have all these faux friendships and they dont get mad at me often. or let me down. i like work cause i can make myself busy. i can keep myself from thinking. or make myself think of something other than crap that floats around my life. It's real easy to think of the bad things than the good things in life. It takes less effort and the whole depressed state is somewhat desirable. I know I feel more intellectual, my guard isnt down, i get to feel sorry for myself. It's just desirable. I by no means think my life is useless or even not worth living. by no means. I just put some much weight on love. Not so much as I Love You, wife or girlfriend. but just love. That bond between people. The feelings you get from it. That knowledge of knowing you have someone to come home too. That idea of having someone to kiss at the end of the night. The feeling you get from a Hug. Those are important to me.

I have always been a people person yet recently i have myself more and more disallusioned with soceity and people. Things have gotten so fake. and it's contagious. it's rather depressing. Nobody is Living. Everyone is aimed at a purpose. I talk to you so i can get to that other person. I talk to you so I can get in your pants. I help you out only so i can get a favor from you later. I get the sense that no one is being unattached. That's how i want to be. Unattached. I want to do my act's only for the fact to do them. I want to help you out cause you need to be helped out. I want to talk to you cause i think everyone deserves to be talked to. I'm nice to you cause that's how things should be. I just want to live. not be defined.

I try so hard to not contradict myself. I try hard to live outside the influence of everything. I want to be unique but i know no one is truly unique. It's hard though. nearly impossible. I do things for me but also for everyone. I'm seperate but only enough to stay inside the net of humanity. Mostly because of love. and how ubiqitious it is. Everyone anyone goes there are images or ideas bombarding your every move of sex, attraction, and love. Everyone wants and everyone knows it's elusive.

As for me which is what i have. My one main only constant. Me. My soul. My ideas. My knowledge. My past. and My present. I by no means am living the perfect life. or even a less than par life. But there is one thing true. That I am trying my hardest to live a life that i think is good. I am giving it my best shot. rolling with the punches. at the least making desicions no matter bad or good. just as long as it's a movement. Status Quo is never good. Complacent is not a way to live. And i will never be complacent with where I am. I'll keep moving. And hoping for the best. There is always hope. Nothing is lost. If you put hope into something than you give fate a fair chance.