futures.

summertime has come and gone
all used with wishful thinking

if you want lies
i can tell them
if you want lies
i got them

all the pennies in the thames can not make it as it was



rebirth reaction redo redone

equal reactions equate equal reactors
my reactor is my soul
my reaction is uncertainity
but in a life where nothing is certain ill take possibliities of endless eacrches

for there is nothing better than the smell of the love than the look of the beautiful.


i'm drunk and i dont understand whers happening and thats ok bec ause you cant put an expiration date on life there are no ends only means to an end

the process is swhat makes us differenet from th apeas, the ability for me to judge whqa might be good for me in the future and my future contains someone who understands

do you?

A saying

I'm really starting to figure something out and as it may seen I am destined for lonely dark nights at the park with my ipod because... whatelse is there.

"I do not propose to write an ode to dejection, but to brag as lustily as chanticleer in the morning, standing on his roost, if only to wake my neighbors up." -- Thoreau

These past 3 years has callowed out my emotions to a point where why even try I already know the outcome before the start.

That's not even a joke, I have such a good tell on my people that I just know what will happen and why it will happen. With lindsay I knew she'd wrap me up real tight and leave me high and dry. With my friends I knew one day they would do something that I could not ignore. I knew my family would become business etiquette the second my mom died. I knew my mom would die. Really I called it in like 5th grade. Kinda morbid but I knew it for some reason. I also know that I'm frustrating. That I'm a masochist. One of my old manager use to call me a problem eater cause I have this habit of receiving a problem and just moving past it. Well I guess this whole time I forgot to look behind me cause I'm dragging. I'm slowing. Like the erossion of the grand canyon my aptitude is eroding. My ability to bounce back is jarring. I don't think my life is shitty or sucky by any means. I just think it's a mighty bit too lonely. I guess that's destiny. I guess that's what it must come down to. The modern day emotional Thoreau but instead of a forest I have a concrete jungle. Instead of rejecting society I'm rejecting it's reactions. We'll both reach self enlightenment, we're both self-aware, just in a world where I can't put my pants without seeing somebody it's hard to ignore human aspect towards anyone life.

I'm a fucking seer.


I remember thinking one day when I was walking the earth aimlessly in Alabama, that life is all about connections. That feeling you get when 2 souls from different backrounds, from different brought ups, different attitudes and different states in life are fused together for just one moment...everyone has them. Walking around and seeing somebody you've never seen before to gaze into the eyes. That connection is why we where we are today. We are born with thousands of years of prior knowledge, yet the single most important thing is the connection we make with one another. For no one person can be an island upon themself. That connection causes me to read people, and read people I do well. One thing is fallible though, our inherint idea to seek out happiness (within the realm of connections so to speak). We can have no idea what makes us happy because our defination of happy never stays constant. Our idea of good is different from the idea of good I had 5 minutes ago. Our eyes are decieving our brains and the brain is just going along for the ride. Happiness is only a word to express something that is so combustible that it is easy to label something we see as happy and good when if we just look at our blind spot we'd see. Alas I guess it's just so easy living in the blind spot, why see something when you can just accept it.

I guess I will join the masses and accept it. Accept that I will let my brain fill in that blind spot with what it thinks only for me to hit the steering wheel face first. Like a car with only front windows destined to miss the whole picture. But easy to forgot what we didn't see. I use to walk with blinders on, but not now. I find connections and take them with me cause if I'm going drag all this shit behind I atleast wanna remember why it was worth a try in the beginning.

Elaboration.

Maybe I should elaborate on my last post...actually I will due to the lack of people to talk to.

Sometimes I get so frustrated at myself. I'm getting to a point to where I don't know what to do anymore. I can't really call it depression because it's not, I am by no means so sickened by my own life that I can't function more to the point of I am so disappointed in my life that I'm just down to last nerves. Nothing I ever envision turns out. I go days without talking to my family sometimes friends. (well except a certain few) I choose to go play basketball by myself than to go out. I choose to walk around parks with my ipod instead of being social. There's this notion that inorder to be a philosopher you have to be lonely and I just think it's ironic. I've spent so much time in my head that there's no other place. As the sun hid behind the horizon tonight all I could think about was how nice it would be to jump into the shadows. Become part of the wave length of life. I have this tendency of just putting everything into life, leaving everything out, and keeping so much in.


i dunno i'm just kinda sad...about what I don't even really know. Seems like I should do something but what? What is there left to do. Admit defeat, admit that maybe I'm doomed to a life of tim zimm. An enigmatic character who will always be there but not as it seems. Whereas I'm not in control, maybe thats why I like shadows so much because it's only a faux image of something real. Dark and guiding. At the will of the light. Only to disappear too easily. The guide need guidance. What is the next step. Where do I go from here. Why is such a terrible question to ask. Why is only the given answer to any situation where mathmatical odds are placed . How. Maybe how is the question, how did this end up.



i dunno i'll continue this later....time to go have some human interaction and discuss all that is up with life.


it's almost amazing how all my problems can boil down to degrees of love and relationships.



but really that is everyone.

Novel Idea

Novel being a remembered new idea and not a type of book.


and the novel idea is how about a short entry.

here goes...


why do I even try at life.

Endless Visions.

I wonder if it's possible to have an overinflated image of self and feel defeated.

My eyes feel like velcro from my lack of sleep this morning. So as I lay there on the couch musing about events and actions thoughts and differences, I got up and got in my car. Put a friend's mix cd in, rolled the windows down volume up and my mind floated away like a gracery sack on a breezy day. The sun was coming up, but the cool night air was still hanging around like thoughts of yesterday. It's just nice to drive towards the horizon knowing no matter how far you drive you will never reach it. The metaphorical of life as we know it. Pursueing things never to obtain, striving for goals that mean nothing. Just like the horizon it's not the end that matters it's the pursuit. The movement forward, going as fast as you want looking around and knowing it's only you in the car and will only be you. I'll take solace in knowing that the road will end long before the horizon does.

There's really something about music in the car. Just driving. No where in mind only open road and stories to be told in the mind. Narrated by my soul. And acted out by my body. Cuts will happen rewrites will insue accidents and tragedies happiness and success till the final act. All in the parameters of a good song and the act of seeing beyond the eyes.

At one point I thought I could drive all day, drive to a place I havent been. Too many responsibilities are killing the dreamer. but it was nice to tickle the thought. Eventually I turned around and drove home slightly defeated and slightly intoxicated. But the spirit is a hard thing to break fully and there was still half the cd left. It's funny how things work out. How life never makes anything easy. No shortcuts, no freebies. I guess if there is something that is fulfilling in life it should take effort. Complications and Sacrafices are the scars of pride and hope. And i'll have a back full for something I feel. I did it for 3 years. only to be defeated. but there are always battles always something worth fighting something realized something good. I'll take my licks, get up and taste the blood and keep pushing. I have learned the fine art of knowing what to fight for and to not give up hope. And if theres one thing i have is hope. and knowledge of life and it's Absurdities. I like how music is so intoxicating to my soul. After that cd infatuation is the verb of life. and life is crazy.

I say life throw at me what you will because the story of my life isn't going to write itself.

Another entry.

Two days in a row something must be up, and not just me at 3am.

In my quest to capture the holy grail of all ideas (the idea that there is a meaning to life other than thinking you lived a good one) I'd have to say that connections are key. When I stop and think about connections in just my day to day life how many people I pass through (whether good or bad) it's astounding. And now there is this connection that rings vaguely familiar. Like the smell of memories past and the feelings long forgotten that goes with it. There is a purpose to where life takes and where it drags you along. Anyone can forge a direction somewhere but life will inherently take where it sees fit. Put you in situations it sees fit. Give you everything to question and little answer to work with. That leaves connections. A meeting of minds and the soul. It's funny that I normally struggle with even mentioning my mom but yet it's as easy as a leaf's fall. Openness is a path less walked and for a reason. It's only meant to be walked at certain times with certain situations. Really everything is confusing that causality is the only finish. I relish in the muster of the unknown. Forward movement to land ho.

I guess connections or just connection are a cause for ambiguity. This time I will feel with my hand instead of seeing with my eyes. Unfolding becomes the need for a life. and who's better than mine.

Idea.

I keep writing things down and I keep erasing them...my thoughts won't congeal tonight. I'm so scattered lately.

Nothing and everything are so simliar that in times at night no one can tell the difference.

I don't want to be unoriginal but tonight I'll let it slide.

One of my favorite movies is this little known movie called Waking Life (and if you do know it and i wasn't the one who showed it to you, please just go ahead and marry me). The whole movie (and use movie lightly because it's an experience) is about how life and dream life can be interchangable in the sense what is real and what do we let be real. I don't want to be sleep walking through life like a majority of people are. More along the lines of thinking and realizing that there is no realization. Dreamers are a dieing breed. I believe because most of this modernization is a feast for the eyes and not for the mind. And eyes are the test that no one passes. Eyes lie. Think about it and I'm sure everyone knows about one time where they thought they saw what they wanted and guess what it turns out it wasn't. Waking life as in closing your eyes and feeling your way through. Getting hurt, pleasure, instability and knowledge.

Socrates once said I know nothing except the fact of my ignorance.

I'd have to agree. Because my ignorance gets the best of me. Ignorance in the fact that I let my heart wander around my mind.



this probably made no sense, as i'm not even sure it does.

i think the jist was basically I can't maintain a single thought right now for longer than a few moments, and it's just crazy how things end up, and how things might end up, and how you want things to end up. and how inevitably there is an end up.

Departure.

So I'm going to depart from the normal philsophy schpills, complaining tangents and just general girl problems, to point out something i've noticed.

My sister, my brother and me are all single. It's not like we can't get someone to date, or find someone (well other than the sister). When my mom was alive all 3 of us has either been in or was in a relationship that lasted over 2 years. Not a year after she died we all were forced upon singlehood. None of us being the break upper but rather the breakee. Since than I have been the only one who has broughten a girl home (granted she was only my girl for a month)(Oh and my brother did date a columbian for a good while who ended up cheating on him who did meet the family). I was just pondering if this was some sort of subconscience mutilation we're bringing upon ourself, maybe some mental hold back that is deferring us away, or just complete coincidence.

My mom and dad were probably the most functional non-fighting people I've ever met. I don't have a memory of them fighting at all. Some bickerings about money but thats natural because money is what keeps us all alive. (in a sense) They put us before everything, brought us up with morality and humbleness. Even after time after time one of us fucked up bad, they were still there. Actually the only time I can even remember either of them yelling is when one of us fucked up bad. Which we did some more than others. ( i was an other.)

I say all this because all of us siblings have been close. My sister was engaged at one point, my brother lived with his girlfriend, and of course we all know my history with lindsay (read many of the past posts if you don't). And now I look at us siblings and all of us are back at home. (for many reasons though none of us are permanent.) (well other than my sister). We're single and as far as I know no real steady other in any of our lives. Don't get me wrong my brother has gotten around (haha) and I've done my fair share (haha) ....my sis probably not so much. (than again I don't delve that far into her life). It just makes me think has our mom's death given us a ridge to stand on. A rift that causes us to believe in the sanctity of lonely and the class of single. Does it go with knowing that there is no way we can match what our parents had. Does it go with us seeing the tragedy in our dad's face and not wanting to substitute that for us. Does it go with us having problems with love. In all actuality my family now has become state's in a country. We don't go into each others territory unless neccessary. Though me and my brother do have a good trade agreement. And the parent state does keep us financialy stable when debts can not be repayed. But it's all business. States of affairs. We're not dysfunctional really but we're also not the most personal of families. (but who is nowadays)

We never mention my mom's name to each other. Never talk about that year she had cancer. I've been to the grave once, Tom probably never. (except for the funeral of course) I have blogs to kind up spotlight my feelings but what do they have. Between all of us it's almost as if she never exsisted, that's not supposed to be mean (if you havent lost a parent than you can't really understand) Life just keeps rolling on and distance is the is the knife of time past. More distance less frequency. At least vocally. Tangibly. So has all this created a loves lost mentality for us. We project out what we feel, even if we don't know we feel it. Kind of an unknown life mechanism. Because life gives us what we need even if it's not what we want, those emotions we don't know but have, will be affixed upon our exsistence, will push us along in the cycle. I know all of us sibling doesn't want to be alone, frankly don't need to be alone. Yet something creates our situations (and who better to create our situations than us and our actions)

It's really interesting to take a step back and figure out life, because with all the theories with all the ideas synposis choices and aspects, it really comes down to a single person. sometimes a single action. that single person is you. that single action is live.

Actuality

Sometimes in life you just have to admit to yourself that there is happiness outside of your reign, however unpredictable, however deceiving it looks, however it shows up. There is no one way road to what anyone thinks is their happy life. I'm narcissist in the way that I feel like I have all the answer all the time and they all involve me and my conclusion of how anyone should live their life. How selfish is that. I'm lowered my life to a fortune cookie, thoughtless information that can be influential to someone's life just not yours. I'm not a doom type person, infact I'm not all that sad and lonely all the time, I'm content. I'm human. I'm jealous. Not because I envisioned myself in a different aspect towards me and numerous amounts of other peoples life. I'm jealous that I haven't found that one thing that keeps people inherently going. Whether it is art, or music, or finding that special someone. I do have being nice, and doing the right thing. It's hard to make that the one thing to keep me going because life is an obstacle course and it throws everything at you to see if you'll take the easy way out or hard way. Without even knowing I've been taking a short cut. Important is a degree of communication and honesty. and Inevitably it is up to the individual person to decide their importance. I chose wrongly. Life is emotions and feelings no matter good no matter bad. It's how I let them effect me that might force feed me my own misery. 24 hours in a day and I spend 1 hour a day for the rest of my life feeling sorry for myself in one month I've lost a whole day to my own inaptitude.
I guess what I'm saying is I'm wasting time and I need to show up to this game called life before not only I lose but I lose big.

So you win. You being every thought I ever had that made sense. That didn't taste just right. That wasn't easy to hold on to. Acceptance increases everones value, and I accept. This is a thing called life and everyone's is different. I can't always be in driver seat for the ones I love, sometimes I have to be out on the curb looking for a new car to hail.

Imagination.

Imagine this; the heart you once had was placed out right infront of you in the palm of someone else's hand and than just snatched away, leaving you lost and hurt. I don't have to imagine.

How unbelievable 2 lives turn out when at one time they were part of the same road. I may just be destined to walk a lonely road. A lonely romantic living in the wrong decade. Wake me up when the 50s come back and love really did conquer all.

A Letter.

So do you hate me, or just don't even care anymore. The fact that you don't feel the need to talk to me doesn't make my feelings of resentment, loss, discouragement go away. There's something demeaning with the cold shoulder, with the slow fade. The sun sets but it will rise again, knowing there will be no more rising is sad. I had told you that you would eventually tune me out, that it would not be something that you intended to do with malice and hate, just how the game of life plays out. But it is your ability to say goodbye. To say I'm at a point in my life where I don't need you around. Because you don't say that doesn't take away my feelings of being used, whether meant to or unintentional you were. It's funny how life slides in and out of ones ideas and bemusement's. It inherently gives you, puts you, shows you everything you believe you don't want/need. I have no hurt feelings along the lines of you pursuing what you want as the life that you foresee happiness, that's the goal in life. To breed situations that will lead to success. Life does need to appreciate the past to understand the present. Am I your past, hardly, but I do feel like I am owed maybe an apology, not even that. A simple thanks Tim I hope the best for you. Even if you don't feel it. I don't hate you and never will, because as hard as it may seem, I understand you. Sometimes more than you will yourself. It's like a present we gave to each other during our relationship, an understanding. I know what your doing is the best for me, and I do feel very much happy about my life right now. But obviously I have issues with loss and abandonment. I lost my mom, my girlfriend, and now my best friend. However unimportant they seem, I believe that they have bred the character in me now. I don't expect you to read this, for you haven't called me back, answered a simple text message, or shown any interest in I guess what you feel as reliving the past. I stick up for you to everyone, even if everyone is dwindling now. I'm sure you have done what you feel is the best, sometimes it's better to feel in someone elses shoes. When losing someone, granted in bad terms it's different, and it's in good feelings there is something to be said about saying goodbye and knowing that's what your hand was dealt. But to be sitting here with no dealer, things are not what they seem. I don't want to reconcile our friendship, I want a simple end. The ends defines the means. I don't want what we had to be left on the table to dry up and rot. I love you, in ways you won't ever understand, but more importantly as someone who impacted my life in the positive and whom I respect. Love the heart that hurts you, but never hurt the heart that loves you. I hope you do read this and I hope you understand the greatest power a person can have is having the ability to say goodbye.

Sincerely
Tim Zimm.













The funny thing is I really haven't thought about her in a long while, but today I hung out with one my couple friends and I was thinking. There has to be an end to everything. Finality is the fact of life. I feel like I deserve something rather than nothing. Too often do I lay down accept what's been thrown at me. Why should I put up a fight, why should I make a mess, why should I take a chance. I'm playing life too safe. Safe is not what I want, I want risks and failures, happiness and the chances it brings. I spend too much time keep the ocean calm, when the waves are what draws us to it anyway. The beast that is our life can not be locked up and hidden, for a safe life only breeds a life of unrealized dreams. I want to look back at my life not when I'm old but tomorrow, next week, in a month and say where I am today is because I took a chance and followed the waves, it doesn't matter where I end up just where I go after that. I spend too much time worrying about what could happen. Instead of what did happen. My biggest problem isn't my timing or bad luck, it's my inability assess. So now I'm stuck with wanting to be with Laura, missing what could of happened with Abby, and deploring my inaptitude. Realization is the password to a safe passage. Only when you realize where you are can you move in the right direction, my soul is the compass of my life I just need to figure out which way is north.