Life.

When it comes down to it all you really have is your life. and your decisions. Sometimes that's hard to remember.

Memories

It's the most amazing thing about life and our exsistence. Memories and our capability of holding so much importance to them. It can place unneccessary importance on anything and everything. Who is Lindsay. What does she mean to me. Is this a meaning or a defination. Turmoil swirling inside my heart and soul. I have always known but never accepted. Life moves on for everyone, but why have I stuck around. Who will gain anything from this. Not me, and not her. Is she becoming the undefined answer to what I think of as the life I want.

We don't get what we want, we get what we need. Why bend over to see if thats you, habit, hope, or desperation. I don't feel depressed, but I do feel lonely. How easy those feelings are mixed up and confused with each other. I love Lindsay but do I love her for who she is, or the idea of what she was or the idea of having someone there or just the idea of putting back together this ideal life I once had.


i'm too truncated right now to pursue this any further...

let's just say miss lindsay, but do i miss her or the idea of her. as much as i want her back is it smart. and the realization that all this really means nothing because ultimately it's not up to me. and there is no real decision. she has moved on and there is no thought of me. i am just stalled upon the third step of life. debating a non issue. i'm climbing steps that lead to no where. it's like the theory of energy. pushing up against a wall is not using energy not matter how much you sweat. only pushing something that moves is energy. i need to learn to be satisfied with life. i need to learn that there are no regrets, there are no redo's, just acceptance. and why is that so hard for me. why do i have stew about things over and over again. it's really my own fault. it's my own mind forcing my attitude. it's my own decisions that are creating these situations. why keep doing it, maybe cause i've had that taste of satisfaction with life and i want it back. maybe cause i have no one now, maybe because lindsay represents everything in my life i've pushed away like my mom.

my life is just like this journal. treading on the same topic over and over again not willing to let go. maybe thats my problem i'm just not willing to let go. maybe i never let go of my mom. maybe i never let go of this idea of what i was to now what i am. not willing to let go of love. not willing to let go of the past. too afraid to make new decisions. to new dark areas where there is no light to guide. a place i've never been. i have to make definative decisions. i need help. i need some to tell me to move on. who. has lindsay ever told me to move on. cause she has moved on. fuckfuckcufkcfasdf;asfdsa;fihsafdihlsfddf i jsut need to move on. from everything. everything has happened in the past is done with. all these expectations i put on myself i did not meet. all these things i've wanted and had is gone. your not that smart. your mom is dead. you don't have lindsay. your grades are that good. stop acting like your a genius cause your not. stop acting like you have answers for life when you don't stop pretending to be happy if your not. accept the consequences of decisions yours than everyone elses. expect for things to happen nicely. don't be so negative. things in your life isnt that bad. find some courage. do things your afraid to. like move on. move on. move on. with everything. take no more shots. get the answer you want. for you to move on. for her to say it's ok to move on. for you mom to say its ok to move on. for your old self to say its ok to move on. realize you only have a certain amount of time here and stop wasting it. you know what you want work at it. try to get it, and if you've exhausted all the ways to get their stop and move on. their is no secret to life other than living. say to yourself i'm moving on, than do it. don't just say it and not act upon it. accept that you still love lindsay but it is and has to be more to life. that you can still love her and move on. there is no defining anythign to maintain in your life. accept that no matter how much you just pretend like your mom never exsisted she did and she's dead. and she was your best friend and its ok to be sad and be not ok with. but move on. there is no point to just pushing something underneath the carpet cause it's still there. and its festering. just take a step and move on. move on. move on. you'll be much happier if you do. stop being scared of life. accept it and move on.

Final Bow

Sometimes in life you have to just know when to say when. You have to stand up and acknowledge defeat. Constantly failing is not progress. It is not the way to go about things. There is a lot to be said about perservience, but sometimes perserveance can get confused with ignorance. Blind faith is important in life, yet there is boundaries, there are limits. My curtain call came. Time to step behind the curtain and let lives move on. Lights dim, and the show is over. Last acts completed. Sacrafices settled. Obsessions left to die out. To be replaced with something new. I've put myself out there. Everything comes down to me. I keep slowly recognizing that I have no control over reflections of other lives. No control on who wants me to be there or thinks of me. I have no control over anything. Only my decisions, and I have been letting outside sources make them for me. That is neither smart nor wise. It leads to hurt feelings and missed ideology. Defeatism spurs creationism.

I took my last step. It's time to move on. Everyone else has so why am I lagging behind. This self contempuous dread that is so appealing. It's finished. I can't continue to expect something when I know better. I can't keep looking out the window when a car passes. I can't drive by to see if there's exsistence. I have to stop checking my phone. my email. everything. There is no time for after thoughts, life is too full of important thoughts to begin with. I will never know who or what anybody thinks. Why anybody does anything. I give them the best of intentions. No one lives up to them. I don't live up to my own.

This is how I think, this is what I am thinking

I am 21 and getting back into school, still in love with a girl who doesn't love me, waiting for life to breeze up and kick in. I like you, Abby, Stephanie, Christina, Nikki, Anita, Megan, and you may not even know it, you may not even care, you may like me back. Life is full of indecisions like that. Yet for each one of you I have something internally holding me back. Like my own being is putting requirements, prerequisites, stupid things in my mind holding me back. Which is most likely a good thing. Cause who I am to be in a relationship, when I still can't get out of one, mentally and emotionally. Or maybe I am out but refuse to believe that things are different. Or maybe I am just so confused about life that I have no clue what is going on. Everything I know or think is molding. The strains of getting old. The closer to reality. Is it possible for me to get any older when I feel 80 right now. One thing I know is I don't proclaim things I know I never will do. I don't idealize my life. I'm not going to do this in a year and than a week later change my mind and do this a year later. I'm going to do what I am doing right now today and in a week whatever I'm doing than I will be doing than and in a year from now whatever my life decisions has taken me I am there. No empty ideas, forsakened promises with myself and others. No self proclaimations of my life ambitions to everyone. No bragging about doing things that I know I never will do. I accept life. I accept that as much as you want to plan it you just can't. I accept that what I feel and what I think is not held to any guidelines of what a 21 year old should be doing. If i'm in love that that is ok, if i'm not that is ok. Either way is normal or not normal for a 21 year old. I have no guilty pleasure dream ambitions that will change my attitude towards anything. Only the acceptance of any given day. That I will take a day and use it as wisely as I can.

I don't talk trash about people. I like being nice to people. I don't like people not being acidic towards others. I don't like drugs, and I'm disappointed with people who do them. I like going to school and I feel accomplished being there. I like listening to music that I think is intelligent and doing things I think is intelligent. I like having a religion and have something to believe in. I like having faith in people, in ideas, in my soul. I don't turn my back on anyone and I do go out of my way for people. I am not perfect and I don't ever want to be. I know I have to live life mistake to mistake. I will try and learn from my mistakes. I will take what life has given me and not foolishly give up things that won't come again. I like reading to look smart. I like girls. I like many girls. I like a certain girl. I like blogging, plotting the map of my soul and life, where I have been will be important to me. I have gone through more than you will ever know. I am an adult and I am fine with that, in a time when you have to grow up quickly you must. I take what life will give me. I am not the fittest I can be, but I like who I am. and I know at the end of the day even though I have no one to talk to, I still have beautiful music to listen to and words to write. all the rest will be dealt with when their ready. Cause I am ready.

Obsession

Life is nothing but mere obsessions. Church, love, books, music, what have you. Am I obsessed I know I am. I want it to stop but it won't. Does it hurt, yes it does. Emotions can be hurt very easily. I just don't know anymore. I'm losing everything. All my faith. It's being completely drained from me. Small wins are neccessary in life inorder to keep up morale. I have had none. My heart hurts. My soul is tired. My eyes are done. My brain is finished. I may be depressed. but really who isn't.

Fact.

I'm lonely and I feel like I can't help it anymore. The feeling is so deep it's running through my bones. I wouldn't call myself depressed, or even saddened. More along the lines of solitary. I see everyone else's life moving and passing me by. I see me nowhere. Sometime I feel like I should just get up and move out of Texas. But what would that do? Instead of being alone in Texas I'd be alone someplace. I just expected something better of my life at this point.

What happened? I'm not even too sure anymore. All I know is when I close my eyes it's adark. I want to so badly to be a part of people's lives, yet not just any ole people. Certain people. It's so weird to know that anyone is easily replaceable. Used up and thrown away. This generation has become the generation of condoms. Using people for their purpose and than disposing of them. Not really wanting them anyway. What happened to that lacadasical attiude of youth. It's a shame, it trully is.

I feel i have so much invested in people. And once again not just any ole people, but certain people. I have so much invested that I sink or swim due to them. It's a terrible trait, but it's a true one. To put faith into people and give them your life. That is love, above and beyond the call of many people. I want my life to be shared with everyone, cause there is no way I am going to max out my life by myself. There is too much everywhere. I want my life to be with people. And I take their life with me. I feel bad when they feel bad, I don't judge, and I try to understand. I've done really hard to try to understand. But there is no reason code for love. There is no guide book that says the are the reasons to stop being in love, use these and only these. Love is not that user friendly, and really just isn't friendly. Love is biting. Acidic. It has to be. Something that pure has to be harsh. rough. hard to swallow. but when you do. and you clear you mind. Love conquers. It reaches heights you will never get on your own.

Why can't I understand people. I don't want life to be a Dr Suess book, but i do want understand the content. To brace myself for the forthcoming. Yet I find myself with a blindfold on walking through a room full of chairs. There is no route to take that doesn't involve bumping into something. Maybe hurting yourself. Someone else. Sometimes you might knock something over. Things break. I know all of this as a part of life. How many times do I have to hit a wall before I realize that I can't go this way. I can't keep doing this. It hurts and I need to stop. Nothing is being accomplished and I am being left behind. I need something to happen. I want this specific thing to happen. It won't though. and it can't. and if it does it's not real. it's the same path i've taken. I know where it leads. Nothing is accomplished walking in circles.

I just feel really lonely. I'm a creature of habit. That habit of knowing someone is there for me. I know this is important for me. I know that sometimes in life you have to be on your own. To discover who I am and what I am. I've done that. Remember those 3 months I was alone in Alabama losing everything I had. Remember 3 years ago when my mom passed away. That one person in my family, in my life that I identified with. Gone. Remember 3 months ago when I had the girl of my dreams. When I had my other half. Remember those 3 years. How great the good times were. How bad the bad times really werent. Just Like a square root I'm cycling myself down to 0. You have to get knocked down inorder to get back up. Who's there to help. This is my life and the only thing that can change how I feel about it is, my attitude. My attitude is the only thing that I can change inorder to feel happy again. Yet is it possible to feel happy and alone collectively.

I know I have to tell myself that I am better off without her. It's hard to argue with the judgements of the heart. I press on. One step at a time. I have plenty of time to sort life out. I'm just ready for life to begin. again.

I think to myself I haven't heard from her in 3 weeks. What does that make me. Barely and after thought. A trickle of snot after a sneeze. Something you can wipe off with little thought. I don't care if you don't like me. I do care if you don't think I'm important. Cause I am. I think everyone is. There is no one for me that has become an after thought. Even friends I don't like I think about often and hold no hard feelings. No grudges. Not pushing them out of my life.

This is the fade. The deadliest weapon in the areson of break-ups and goodbyes. The fade, brings you back to life and slowly sucks it away from you. Everyday you know you are becoming less and less important. An after thought. A fleeting thought. A glimmer of thought. A fading Image. Things get darker and things disappear. Like a shadow fight for life during dusk. No matter how much I fight, the sun will sink lower. Draining me of light. more light. till I have nothing left to hold on to. I will fade into the backround. The sun sets and everything turns from grey to black. With me no where to be seen. Alive but forgotten. The sun won't be coming back up tomorrow. There will be no more chances. Destiny and Fate has a plan for you. You can make your decisions. Decide your attitude. But there is no controlling others. No telling them what decision to make. How to think about things. Nope. My life is in the hands of so many people. In the dark no matter how much I move nothing changes. I will be forgotten.

I look at myself and I like me. Sometimes I like me a lot. Yet I am well rounded and I acknowledge where things, actions, ideas come from. I can acklowdge the logic but I don't have to understand it. It's not my choice to let me understand. Tkae the decision and make the next step. Life beyone love. beyond lindsay. beyond my mom. beyond the life I thought I had at one point. Roads are ahead of me. And i'm too busy kicking rocks to pay attention. I will wait. I will walk. Make a choice and roll with the punches. I want to call her. I want to say everything my heart feels. But it's understood. it has to be. nothing else can be done. Acceptance has to happen. Can't always ignore problems. I will understand. Until than, I feel alone and will wait for someone to lay down with me. To hold my hand. To tell me things will be ok. To reassure me life has it's twist and turns and you can only do your best. To let me feel love. Something that great is hard to find. But when your locked in the shadows, time is not constant, only living.

Ultimately

Have you ever found yourself on the outside looking in. Wondering to yourself when you will participate in life. Constantly I find myself mulling over life so much that is passes me by. So busy in life thinking that I am forgetting to act. But I'm at a point in my life where I am so afraid of actions that I will accept status quo. No matter how complacent it is.

I have to learn to deal with change. It's a driving force in life. Change and your reaction. Lately I have no reaction. I see change and I continue to go about the way I was. Repeatedly running into this same wall thinking to myself that this wall shouldn't be here. But what right do I have to say what is and where it is in my own life. Too many outside influences for me to control what is going on. Instead I should be like a surfer and ride the wave. And like a surfer nothing lasts forever and what wave will end ultimately. And you will be stuck on the beach. With a decision go out or stay. I am so afraid of the water I want to stay.

Life seems to lose its ferver when you have no one to share it with. Day by Day I find myself getting more cynical about everything. Family, friends, love, hope, respect, responsibility all things that come standard issue with life but all things that I see no one appreciating anymore. I am obsessed with things I have no control over. I don't want certain things to end, cause I they end I have to admit failure, I have to admit that hope failed. I have to admit that love breaks hearts. I am so hell bent on seeing the bright side of love I force myself to forget it has a dark side. The sweet doesn't taste as sweet without the bitter. You have to have the bitter. You have to make a decision, you have to act. I am getting there. I think about her less and less. Yet no I think about how less and less I am. It's funny when someone leaves you they almost leave with everything you have. All this self worth and esteem seems to go the way of their life. Sabotage amongst myself or just nature running it course.

It's harder to admit defeat when you have no where to go. It's harder to let go when there no one around for you. It's impossible to give up on love with someone when there is no one to take their place. For me. Love is so fickle with people. Everyone gather's their own ideas about it. I haven't decided yet. I'm a hopeless romantic and not easily swayed from that perch.

Ultimately, I am here alone in my room. It' sucks. a lot. I have no one to look to. No one to say I can go after her. There is no chase. Only bait at this point. Only the slow waiting game. Lindsay hasn't called me in about 3 weeks what does that make me. Forgettable. I am just so bitter how she has gotten off the hook again. How she just jumps right back into the pool. It doesn't hurt that she's beautiful. Cause all I have in life is medocrity. A life full of it. Never to outshine but can't fade away. This purgatory of indecision, indecisive of eventuality. Stuck in between forgettable and memorable. Easily swayed either way. Easier swayed to forgettable. It doesn't take much to forget someone, but it takes a whole lot more to remember them. And in a life of medocrity there is no path to the halls of impressive. Only brief glimpses of crucial and a life full of trifling.