Looking Glass.

What am I supposed to do. How am I supposed to act. Who am I supposed to be. I am constantly preening this image of self. How often I think of myself as just an Idea. Nothing tangible. To some a funny guy, to others an intellectual, yet to me a fool. I move about life as if it owes me something. As to say place what I want in the palm of my hands and move along. Nothing works that easy. Why should it be any different for me.

With love. school. work. life. I wait for others to be the catalyst for what I want. I am a natural leader but I can't lead my own life. I can make decisions but i can't act upon them. That makes me nothing more than a statue with a heart. That is not to say I am learning and progressing. I am not who I was last year yet I am. Last year at this time I was pineing for Lindsay, wondering where she was and how she just wouldn't fall into my lap. I am not now, but I do want a girl. I am waiting for the magical god of accidental love to let her fall into my lap. I feel confounded by love. How do I know what is right and what is not right. Should it just happen or do you have to work towards it. I have a girl who is pretty and knowingly has feelings for me but I am nothing more than a deer in headlights. Frozen within time as everything else moves forward. Except love won't be hitting me it will be regret, remorse. How can I move along life wanting things and doing nothing to attribute towards them. Life isn't as easy as talking to someone over the internet (though i wish it were). Is there a waiting game for love. for life. Is nerves a factor of life or a factor around life. Everything is a game of wants and needs. I want Abby, badly. But do I need someone else. Someone I feel more freely to talk with and about. How can I know with out giving it a chance.

Something is scaring me away from life. Not as in becoming a recluse and wanting to die, rather something is becoming a road block from me furthering myself in my life. Is it me not wanting to let go of the past. Is it me not wanting to grow up and grow old. Is it me wanting things I can't have. Sometimes I feel the latter. It's so much easier when you know the answer is No. When something is unattainable, there is no harm in trying, in goofing around. The second I have a chance I freeze. Suddenly it is in the palm of my hand and I'm having second thoughts. Is it that I don't want it. Is it that now I want something else. Or do I just want someone I can freely talk with all the time. When I come close to the answer only more questions pop up.

There are so many things in my life than I need to grab the reins for and take control. Ultimately it's up to me. No one else will be at fault. I have so many things I want to accomplish in life that I need to start now. I can't stop and expect it to fall into my hands. Because when you stop everything else keeps moving.

I Suppose.

I'm not even too sure of what to say, but I know of what I feel. A mild hangover and a swollen foot. Complications of love and matrimony. Love blossoms and the booze flows. Love is more intoxication than booze will ever be, but it does help. How love drunk people are at weddings. It comes down to the idea of forever. How grand, how great, how perfect would it be to have something forever. To live on beyond the normal means. The idea of having an end beyond an end. Love is intoxicating because it blinds the senses. Marriage is absinthe because it numbs your life. The wedding ceremony is a shot of Jack. Girl's sniffing out the idea of not going at life alone, and guys sniffing out the girls to just have some fun. I sit in the sidelines wondering when the sands of absent dreams will run through the fingers leaving only the rocks of reality. Love is not binding. Marriage is not certain. The only aspect of real is yourself. The only certain is you. Life comes and goes. Marriages fade and blossom. Love is fleeting. When is love guaranteed. Do you have your soul mate. Will they be there for you. If it comes and leaves than what is left. Just a void. Easily filled with the sands of Foreign love, somebody's wedding, and the fruits of the labor. Love is a game with no clear winner, just points. I guess you could say I scored.

haha.

How much?

Sometimes (or like always) I sell myself too short. but now how am I supposed to know what is acceptable and what I can reach. Life is toying with me, and dreams are too sobering. What reality am I supposed to accept, what reality is right. My dreams, my ideas, my perception, my eyes, other peoples views, other peoples eyes. Whose to say which one of these is right and which one of these is easy.

Which one is the path that will lead me to the road.

They say in the land of the blind the one eyed man reigns, yet the eyes are decieving. In the land of the blind, the one eyed man created his own demise.

Editing.

So I've been thinking...As I do often enough. Accomplishments are hard to come by. I'm 21 years old and should I feel accomplished at a young age, and if not than how does a life full of failures make sense. I am noticing that all these grey areas, the unknown, the quasi failures, parts me from everyone. Am I slowly becoming disconnected with society, with people. Really it's not so much me feeling disappointed or feeling as if a failure, I believe more along the lines that I try so hard to be true, to do what is right, to turn the other cheek, to look at people for the good they are no matter how bad they are. In the light of everything this is good and right. I don't fault people. I do what is best. So when a situation occurs with me having a chance to excel or have an opportunity I see what only the good can happen.

Reality hits, and what is good and what is right and what I want doesn't happen. So now I'm scared, I'm frustrated, I'm nervous. I don't put my emotions out there in the open cause of what will happen.

Everything is just so tumultorous. I study life so much. Interactions. Beliefs. Cause and Effect. I have my idea of life that is ever changing. There really is nothing concrete about life. Nature verses Nurture. Life over Love. Religion and Science. Nothing is certain in life. Everything is ideas. And with those ideas the people who choose them. Affects not only the idea but themselves. I'm laid back cause I know the mortality of life, you don't watch your mom die for 10 months and not learn a lesson or 2. But it has also made me calloused about the intangibles of life. Especially coupled with the notion of losing love (my mom and my long time girlfriend).

I know I shouldn't feel as an outsider in my own family, in my own friends. I don't put up an act infront of them but I also don't feel like I can be myself. The person that was myself had invested so much into 2 people that when they left huge parts of myself left too. Left or disappeared. or fogotten.

My life has been live, learn, and forget. I don't hold grudges, I'm not purposely mean to someone to bring them down. There is too many outside forces doing that already, not including your own personal demons and bats bring you down. I have no right to do that to someone else. No one is perfect. No one deserves not have a second chance. N0 one deserves to but adrift in this sea of unknown. So much uncertainty. Why can't we help each other out. Why can't someone help me out.

My own fault and demise. Slow and very slow demise. When you put so much into people sometimes i forget about myself. I forget how to express my emotions. It's just hard to not realize that there are no walls. no dead ends. nothing stands still. No matter how much I want to stand still and fret, the world, life keeps moving. The longer I stand still the longer the world grows around me. Like a fence with vines. Vines will take over. Life will take over wether you move or not. Why not move and have nothing holding you down. Make you own path not have it go through you. Sometimes I just feel like well if the best year of my life is 19 what else do I have to look forward too. Why did I have everything I wanted than and nothing now.

I need to remember that life, really everything in this universe, is a cycle. Everything you do, i do, we do, they do is a process, with a start and an end and a restart. You gain everything you lose everything, you get little by little back, till you have everything than you lose everything. Nothing in life is a straight line, everything is round. You can look over the horizon and see everything that looks great and continue to move and you will notice that horizon will disappear because you are not moving forward you are moving around, but the same thing goes with out on that horizon of everything bad. if you keep moving around the circle things will get better. You, I can't stop at the good or the bad. Either way will lead to a demise.

I am just ready to hit that cusp again. To get to the next horizon, to get to that point where I can look forward instead of behind me. Everything is a process and nothing happens overnight. Things have to occure slowly and moderately, until you get that catalyst to push you ahead. What will be my catalyst. I need it, I am ready to move ahead. To pursue my life. The uncertainty of life is good, it keeps me guessing, it keeps me realizing that life is not a book. It's a journal.