Slightly Dis-Sheveled

ah so as i sit here sobering up my hangover slighty dis sheveled slightly confused slightly unnerved listening to music no one else will like alone in my room eyes closing ever so often body tiring ever so often face sunken ever so often nerves rattled ever so often i can't help but reminisce on what 2006 year was. what 2005 was. 2004. the years are stacking up like layers in a cake.

who am I. what am I. why am I. when am I. fuckin questions. that is all they are. just questions. never meant to be answered. just meant to rack our brains about. just meant to distinguish the living from the dead. you can sleep when your dead. when can i think. the more I do the more i believe in the latter. my fore head is warm and my face is numb. reservations of the liquor. my emotions are warm and my soul is numb. reservations of the mind. What have i become over the past year. A role model. A friend. A sympathisizer. A thing. Unknowningly and unwittingly. my eyes fight to remain open.

What happened this year. loves lost. loves never had. a reawakening. an akwarding. independence with a dependence. Friendships held at the beginning of the year. Strong bonds. Strong ties. faded like the night sky. like the sun on a november day. was the common tie me. the bonding. new friendships forged. identities cemented. the pursuit of self apexing. to whom i know myself as.just some 22 year old guy who doesnt know left from right bumping his way down the path forging a history of who I am who will out live the me who i am.
sometimes when you talk about life as you live it you eyes want to scream and shout what i lives giving out and you should know should I know. so then you tried to turn around and figure out what life is alla bout some simple lullabye some happy lullabye.

and you will find. me. in the main of the melody. and you. in the heart of the harmony. timing the time that we start to sing. along with the time of your heart beat.


2006 is over soon enough. and 2007 is fast approaching. i've been to the lowest lows been to the highest highs. contemplated life. death. hopes. fears. best wishes. furthest falls. I fell in love with the world. i fell in love with a girl. and i will end the year like i started it. wondering how i ended up like this. this time no excuses. no woah is me. no violins. my life is the song i've written. i don't regret anything about this year. other than how quick it came. how quick it went.

the process of getting old makes time go by so fast. time doesnt change. just our understanding of it. as kids time was just the point of the day to go to bed. we're ruining our life putting so much pressure on time. on deadlines. on days. months. years. time is not tangible. neither should our life. i wanna spend 2007 living. I wanna make memories. have remorse have happiness have mistakes. it seems life is just cleaning up mistakes. but how can you know if your living right if your not making any mistakes. I am who I am because i dared to make mistakes. dared to question. to live life the way i feel is right. I may love too much. I may get walked all over. I may be too nice. too willing. too understanding. too much with too little.

I'm not sure what path i'm walking down. who's walking down with me. if god is watching over me or if he's already written what i'm going to do. a kid with an ant farm or a fate intervention. I went from the person i love being pregnant and engaged to loving girls who move away. time and space how integral they are to life.

sigh. just tired really. soo much to say with little room to say it. thoughts provoked. eyes still closing. fighting.what will I chalk up 2006 as. passing failing meodocre exciting intruiguing. how about...just a year.no more and no less than last year. no more no less than 2000 no more no less than 1993. another etch in the date book.another year on the life span. i'm in the same spot i've been for the past some odd years. confused. befuddled. some guy trying to get everything straight. stuck someplace confusing. at nights scared of what might come and at day fighting everything in my way. tripping just short and falling down. getting up and dusting off just to walk through life. like a stroll in the park. unaware of what might could should will happen. getting blindsided. living life with eyes closed. open up and get out of the cave tim. be who I want to be. know what I derseve and deserve it. this isnt a waiting game. finishing last isnt as good as just competeing.

goodbye 2006. i awaite 2007 with wonderment. a slight hangover. bemused about this past year. dazed from the prospects of the day. dis sheveled as i learn i'm dispensible from one more person. perfect to be around not good enough to stick around.

eX-Mas

What joy is it to run downstairs, look at your family in the eyes than see a tree full of presents and a house full of warm love. It'll beat waking up early to go to work. Coming home to nothing. Not one present. Nothing. Like it was March 12. Just another day. NOthing from my brother or sister. Nothing from my dad. Not a stocking with my name on it. How can you have a christmas with not on present. You would think the ties of a family would grow stronger after someone dies. Nihilsts. Nothing. Not a hug. Not a merry christmas. Even orphans get a little christmas spirit. Maybe a coloring book. A little meal with a slice of pie. Ugh. I know i have plenty. I know I make pretty good money. Am I that hard to shop for. I guess with everything going on right now it's easy to forget christmas. Forget to buy socks or underwear. Forget to buy a giftcard to target or barnes and nobles. Forget to buy sheets for my bed. I guess it's not neccessary. They say christmas is all about the heart. Hardly. It's about reminding people you love that you do love them. Going out of your way to get something even if its beyond your means. I'm willing to do this for you because I love you. My family wonders why I'm a ghost. I'm sure my mom is spinning in her grave for the way my family is now. How can you go a christmas and not buy one present for someone. A card. 5 bucks. A meal. A simple it's been a rough year but i'll do anything for ya. Maybe santa just forgot my house. Or we've been bad. I'm not materialistic. I don't need a gift. or hand outs. or favors. But i do need a present even something simple on my birthday and christmas. I got nothing on both days. Merry Fucking Christmas.

Repitition...

Another day, another death, another moment, so many left.

I dread phone calls with wavery voices, with emotions pushed back, with eyes on hold, with shortened breaths. There's a different feeling when it comes to death. Mortality is never tangible but its breathable. It's stench is unique and bitter, abilities to shake the strongest trees and rust any metal. Voices tremble mind wanders lifes on hold while another pauses.

I'm the youngest, i'm the outcast, the loner, the idealist, the son. Death is such a weird thing to me, i have been able to grasp the concept, i understand what it is but yet not quite the brevity of it in itself. Finality is only a word. Not an action. But i've had practice, I've been the adult, the back up for my dad. Having the ability to feel human in front of me. Scary thought, to think that your parents are human, that have emotions like pain, discomfort, unhappiness, sadness. Never fully understand it till you see it, but than it's fleeting. So much of your life you depict your parents as super heros. as people with no boundaries doomed to a life of happiness.

I've been there for my dad. I've done things to help him that would make any person fall into a real depression, seen things that would scar. I've seen my dad as a human a few times. I've had the role reversed. I've had him crying on my shoulder. Situations kids aren't prepared for, don't think could ever happen. I've had practice. My emotions are on lock down. Only here in words. Only here in the late night voice. Only in moments of time where being human is intimate. I've heard my dad crying on the phone. I've had practice. Hardship is a lesson well learned with the zimmermans. How my family has grown apart. Siblings in a work enviroment.

I pick up the phone and strangely I already know. My poor dad, such a good man. A great guy, a great person, a great dad, a great husband, a great son. Doesn't deserve all this. Doesn't need his mortality tested. Doesn't need his emotions tinkered with. No more emotional connections. No more women in his life. No longer a husband and now no longer a son. I've had practice but i'm never prepared. My heart would break had it not been damaged already. He asks for me to come home. What else am i going to do. No hugs, no i love yous. Emotionally afraid. Emotionally tinged. Like frayed wires.

Death for me is something else. Ironic my dad's 56 and now lost his mom. I was only 18. I havent decided which is easier. Alone in the dark listening to music and thinking. maybe thats easier. picking up my phone ever so often to see if anyone is there. just writting. useless meandering words. little do they mean little do they impact. but it helps. it works. I just feel bad for my dad. No one deserves the bad things that happen to them, but especially my dad.

Not sure the ruin that would be brought upon me if he died. I owe him a lot. Im honestly not a good son. Not much of a good brother. I've checked out of my family. Not really on purpose. Not really sure why. I'm not doing my best. I'm skidding by. Doing good. but not my best. am i trying to figure things out. am i caring. am i just letting the bricks hit my face first before i react. before i do something. it's a life. it's something. 22 years is a lot, but not enough to figure it out. am i stalling. dragging my feet. I feel alone. but who isnt. i know i didnt use to. i'm only alone emotionally maybe. maybe thats ok. it helps me cherish the time i do have with people. it helps me be such a nice guy. who knows really.

time will always march forward. never stopping. we all will stop. it's destiny. sometimes it's just much easier to fall asleep next to someone. to have someone to feel there. to rid that feeling of being alone. to hear the breath. to open your eyes and see your not alone. to close them and fell that your not alone. a piece of mind. a peace of mind. to wake up and feel loved. to wake up with a partner. a back up. someone who you know will be back in the spot tonight. that no matter what happens that day that won't change. cities could level and money could be made, yet to fall asleep with the smell of the hair or the touch of their skin is more home than a house would ever be. for a place where you soul can feel shelter. time for your soul to dance. play. smile. and feel loved.

you play the hand that was dealt ya. no chance of winning when you fold. i just feel bad for my dad. only human. the confines of sleep helps. dreams to be made, dreams to come true. tommorow is a friday that can be certain. what happens may have aleady been penciled. I may only acting on what was already written. i can feel though. sometimes, everytime all the time you just wish for more. for that feeling you know to be real but so unattainable. thats life.

Hrmm...

I wanna say that this has been a year of change, possible reknewal, interluding connections of love, friendship, betrayal, heartache, rememberence, and all of that sort of stuff. I wanna say that this transition between the kid, the teenager, the young adult, the adult, the person who I am right now, currently-has been transformed, molded by the events from the recent past. I wanna say that this year the learning year of life, educational interactions of people and lives. It's all muddled. A morning shake in the blender. Ready for the taking. Sliced, diced, puraed into this non distinguishable substance. Stuff happens. you react. events occur. you gauge. you react again. it's process as simple as a synapse. one electrical node spark from one wire to another in the brain.


I need sleep. Why must I continue to be awake at this hour. Am I trying to stretch myself out. Ridding the last of the nerves i have. Frightfully fighting this unease in my stomach.


I like the way things are going mostly right now. How can I not be. I have this wonderful apartment. Gives me a new outlook on life. David is a great roomie. I have good friends (when i see them) work is getting better, no longer a closing slave, schools out and i'm proud of my semester it's lackadasical but damn good for working full time. (closing everynight too) I need to shake this funk. I need to realize life isn't reciprocal. However much i wanna believe that I wasn't given a chance, I wasn't allowed my full potential, I wasn't able to do what I could. All taht doesn't matter. I know who I am. where I come from. and what to do.

i need to sleep. but i need to write. push everything out of my head. put it on paper so i can think.

but i'm too tired. and tomm.s too long. i know what to say but how to say it is difficult.

i know the future. i know what lays ahead. were all in a book that has already been written. gaoodnight.

Ease?

I've had this feeling in the pit of my stomach. One of thos ones you can't explain.
I figured it was from the lack of sleep. or maybe the abdunance of cafeine. or maybe just stress from school and work.

There's a lot of change going on right now. My life is spinning around, moving, running, falling, not stopping. Is that feeling the feeling of not being able to breathe. Like a sucker punch. I'm out of my families house, and i havnet once thought about them. I feel bad. I think sometimes about if my dad died how much i would hate myself. Is that a normal thought. Is that sane.

New place, new peoplem, new events, new problems, did anything get solved. Do i just have layers upon layers of stuff to wade through. these thoughts i think than move on from, to they have more meaning than i think. Am I selfish? What do I have to say up against the millions massacred, the millions starving, the millions disenfranchised. Friviousl am I?

I'm full of all this un easiness. Today i talked about my mom non challantly at work. Why do I have to be aware of everything going on around me. Why can't i skid through life not understanding people. I'm so compassionate because I feel what people are feeling.

I know where I will be in 10 years. It's a scary thought. I see everyone around me settling in, getting ready for the long ride. Should I be happy that I'm tredging through, going my own way. Not settling. But is it not my decision to settle. Am I doomed for a life of wanting things that are unattainable. Do I even have a league to play in. Is it just winter. Is it just the cold air, lifeless earth, disjointing sky, it it fueling my uneasiness. Maybe I'm asking too much, or not enough, or not the right questions. Am I not supposed to ask?

Dare I live a life of reactions. Only being the part of the effect never the cause. DOes that make me any better than an ant.

Am I uneasy because I know whats going to happen. I'm afraid to face it. To scared to realize it. Unease is being uncertain about the uncertain.

Am I uneasy because i feel like chances are slipping away. Away and out of my hands. Chances that were meant to be taken. Chances that had a life. Chances that were taking its first breaths. Stomped out. Never given longer than a second. Do i feel regret about the things I care about the most. Do I regret the things i trully want anyway. Do I want these things I need. Do I need to breathe.

Is it all out of my hands. Was i never given a chance. Am i character in a book that has had its past present and future pencilled.

What do I care about. Why do I care. Am I forcing things. Am I not even trying.

Do I already know the answer.

questions of life. the questionable life.
the unexamined life isnt worth living
the examined life makes it hard to live

so what do we have as middle ground...

uneasiness.
unease.
uneasy.

time...

There are people you just know,
the kind of know that is beyond experience
beyond remnants of life
beyond the arbitrary instances
the kind of know that is felt before feel
the kind of know that is known before know
the kind of know that is loved before it is love

people you'd do anything for fight armies
rescue cats in trees, jump for a bullet
rescue from sadness,

you so desperately try to find good in life
to find some meaning that is more than hurt and despair
you find people to show you that there is a god
he is good, he loves you

because how can the concept of love even be known
for it is unknowable to humans, it has to be
love is the cure for all ills and can rescue the soul
even if but for a minute, a moment, an instance, a heartbeat

a rescue that can be felt for a lifetime, time has no concept.
space is not physical. yet time and space seem to be the glue to life
the main reasons we do the things we do. time and space creates dire love
but destroys the soul.

this weekend was perfect. who needs an ocean when you can swim in deep blue eyes
who needs to see a movie when theres a million dollar smile smiling at you.
who needs clubs, bars, drinking, dating, when theres a touch that can melt your soul

skin so smooth you feel like your touching heavens clouds
a soul so good that inherently makes you feel lighter, happier, better.
the smell of familiar and the heart beat of comfort. desires for a better life culminating in moments for a lifetime.

lifetime. 6o years. 70 years. cancer. car crash. accident.
soul. everlasting. forever.

moments that echo in the soul to breathe for eternity.

you don't come across beautiful women everyday. you dont come around good people everyday. to see the both and to float away with that person is worth a million miles, a thousand heartaches, hundreds of stammered words, and one soul.

spain is far away. time is far away. 6 months is a blink of an eye. but a lot can happen in a blink of an eye. people change, lives move on, movement forward. the only thing you can hope is to be there when that eye opens up.



dedicated to emily moore.

for the love i have of her is so high that i would stop a hurricaine so she could see the stars

indifference...

life is full of choices and where you go is up to them, why is expereience built off of decisions we neverf expect to make. where my life goes why it goes, when it goes where it goes is most important. people places events built uponh things beyond my knowledge built beyond things beyong my control, i am in no more controlt than the wizard of oz. i am the pawn of the game of life, and there are no life chips there are no guarneenteed winnings, nothing is dependent on a giant spinning wheel, i am in control of my reaction. newton says all reaction have an equal and opposite reaction well in life there are only reactgions, and tghose can be up to the believer, the denier, the disbeliever.n
i believe in love, inbeautiful girls, in the smile of the person you like, in the deep blue see of the eyes of a loved one, in the revelation that everything is up to fate and i give everything to it


i believe in you
e \

i believe in fate


i believe in the3ings beyond my control


i believe in the feeling of having someone close and keeping it


ibelieve that whqt you need in life is given to you

and what you need is not what you want

i need someone to show me the path

i need someone to show the way

i need someone to prove that there is an end a beinging a middle
and all the rest


i need you.

and will end all wars


love is the boundaries in dispute

love starts wars

Walk along to another day.

You ever want something to change your life, ever banked on it, put everything you have in it, hopeing all that you have. Hoping this change in your life would set off a chain of events culminating into this life that you had once envisioned but somehow lost track of. Seeing all your wrongs , right. Just hopeing, hopeing that this can bring a peice of mind. Settle all the unsettles. Calm the worrisome in yourself. The erosion of the soul fading. Put so much into this one action that it has to work, for the mere fact it has to work.

It's a crossroads, but it's simple. Theres a moment when your home that you grew up in , isn't your home. The feelings not the same, the comfort, the safety, the love is different. or indifferent. It's a metaphor for life. Leaving everything behind and experience something new, life.

This move is simple. It's nothing new. It's not innovative, original, creative, unique, important, extreme, different. But it's something. Something that needs to happen. It's the cause to all my effects. It's a movement towards what is my life. It's a place where my belongings can be mine, my rules are law, to try something new and keep the same. Find myself in who I am. and who I am is in need of this.

I just see all these things that can come from pulling in responsibility, living on your own, force feeding yourself into living instead of skidding by. I'm tired of not excelling, of not applying myself. I feel like I can do anything, but something is holding me back. I'm holding me back. Why, well thats a question we all ask ourselves. I feel so smart and capable. but i'm never sure if I am. I feel medocre because I am. Is taht my destiny or am I holding myself back. Or am I holding something that is holding me back.

I'm never to sure, but who can be.

Sums

THRICE LYRICS

"Stare At The Sun"

I sit here clutching useless lists,
keys for doors that don't exist
I crack my teeth on pearls
I tear into the history
Show me what it means to me in this world
Yeah, in this world

'Cause I am due for a miracle
I'm waiting for a sign
I'll stare straight into the sun
And I won't close my eyes
Till I understand or go blind

I see the parts but not the whole
I study saints and scholars both
No perfect plan unfurls
Do I trust my heart or just my mind
Why is truth so hard to find in this world
Yeah in this world

'Cause I am due for a miracle
I'm waiting for a sign
I'll stare straight into the sun
And I won't close my eyes
Till I understand or go blind (till I understand or go blind)

I know that there's a point I've missed
A shrine or stone I haven't kissed
A scar that never graced my wrist
A mirror that hasn't met my fist
But I can't help feeling like I'm

Due for a miracle
I'm waiting for a sign (waiting for a sign)
I'll stare straight into the sun
And I won't close my eyes (and I won't close my eyes)

Due for a miracle
I'm waiting for a sign
I'll stare straight into the sun
And I won't close my eyes