Talk

Conversation, questions, comments, answers.

Really we all strive for this.

I've realized i've lost the people I use to talk to. Spill my soul to. Releasing heavy thoughts from my soul. Everything has been adding up. Love, Life, Work, Pain, everything. It's like i've become a master of self loathing. My cynicism has engulfed me so bad that I fool myself into that I am happy. Have I been lieing to myself for a few years now. I'm not sad. I'm not mad. I'm not upset. I'm not depressed. I'm not here. Have I been denying myself the ability to feel. Only imagining happiness. Ignornace is bliss, and i'm blissfully ignorant.

Maybe I am mad. Everything seems to be culminating into this month. I've managed for years with this attitude of I'm okay. Maybe I am mad. I have the right. Why do I feel so alone. Is my image of everyone to inflated. Do I expect too much out of everyone, becuase i expect too much out of myself. Am I so afraid of love that I fool myself into it. Poking around, getting lost, getting hurt, enduring throughout.

Am I afraid of love because i'm sure it fades. It disappears. It dies. Have I been burned too much. Too callous to notice reality. To shallow to know its real. Setting up myself for failure, disaster. Destined to call my own fate. Loving things that wont love me back. Loving things that are out of my league. Loving things that won't love back. Loving things that are unloving. Do I not love myself. I'm sure i'm a great guy. I know i'm funny and smart. Aesthetically maybe thats what it comes down too. Sad.

I'm confused I know it. I'm lost and I know it. I'm sad and I know it. Can you know something and not accept it. Do I need this. Does my head hurt and my heart heavy because I havent felt sorry for myself. Because I havent blamed others. I havent yelled out to God why are you doing this to me. Do I need to shed tears over a dead mom. Do i need to be angry at lindsay, at girls, at girl. Have I given out so much compassion i've burnt myself up on me.

Am I expecting too much when saying I want someone to rescue me. I hope not. Shouldnt there be someone out there destined to grab me by the hand and pull me out of the water. Banging my chest and saying breathe. How can I save myself when I'm drowning. Doesn't God know this. Can't he hear me. Doesnt he understand my soul. Am I not a lost sheep. A lost sheep who wants to be found.

I guess i should shed a tear for myself. Drop my selflessness and become an asshole. Going after things when I shouldnt. Taking things that dont belong to me. Having no feelings or remorse for actions.

I'm not even sure anymore. God says I am everyone. The poor, the unfortunate, the incarcerated. He is people, and I go to extremes to help. When is it my turn.

I guess it all comes down to I want to be loved. Primaly that is all we have. To have worth. To smile. I've lost the people that I loved. I know there is people that love me, I guess I just havent gotten over the fact that I lost people that I love. How do I do that. How do I get loved again. How can I not be the passed up person. The your great and I love you but.... You've saved my life yet.... I'd marry you except.... I'm a cause with no effect.

I was a mommas boy. No one will ever understand that. Even understand what was there.

I know I dont.

I don't understand myself. Sara was right I don't.

I like myself. On many occasions i even love myself



Maybe I'm just sick.and lonely.sad maybe depressed.needing love.and everything else.and to be held.to be touched.to be told everything is ok.to know everything will be ok.for that breath of air you take the moment life has just turned.turned for the better.when will you come.how can i get ya.God is waiting.So it's a pride game.I'm calling for help.

Maybe I just need sleep. or a gun. i'll take sleep since theres no 3 day waiting period.