tired, just tired

for once my body feels like my being... incredibly tired.

my eyes feel hollow, what an odd feeling to have. to feel like there is nothing behind them.
glass mirrors for me to see out of. Have I been looking at life the wrong way, or am I just so tired that i feel empty. No ones fault except mine really, pushing myself to the edge with little regard to who i am. Going on with no sleep, having 18 hour days, little to eat and not enough to drink. Even in a non tangible way i've pushed myself to the edge with friends, family....and all the rest. I put myself in so many people that maybe now I feel a little lost. Well I'm always lost, as we should be because there is no map to life.

I know what your going to say, I can hear it now already. God. He feels you up. (that sounded dirty but never mind that) (well actually i'll take what I can get)


I can hear your thoughts, you miss God, his Grace, Jesus.
and I'll say what I honestsly feel, maybe your right. Maybe i've gotten so mixed up these past few years with the absurd happenings of life that i've forgotten the solution. Do I want a solution. Tangible. I havent forgotten about him, i still talk to him sometimes. The conversation seems to always be one sided. I'm not looking for answers, I don't need proof. I don't need proof that a parade of elephants isn't going to come out of my butt right now. But I do need to know that he still cares. I've lived this life the past few years that involved self sacrafice, friendliness, respect, care, soul, and listening. I've been my brothers brother and his keeper. I've been friends with people that have hurt me, hid my heart in the crevice of my body to be friends with girls who've blown me off. Gone out of my way to be the person someone needs. I just need to know he'll do the same for me.

Please do not quote scripture btw if you feel the need to comment, for one this is about God, not the bible and for 2 life is always more interesting than a book of words.

So all this to lead up to what I feel is my main point, and the one i've discovered to be true. God (we'll say God, but in the same sense I'll be using Life) as we all believe

give us not what we want but what we need.

He's like the parent swatting our hands at Toys R Us, saying santa will be coming you don't Need that.

Yet everyone is in the pursuit of what they want. I want this great sexy, respecting, nice, loving gentlemen to sweep me off my feet (I'm right here! haha) but you don't get him. You say I want this guy who will have the same view as me when it comes to religion, politics, life. I want this guy to be like my dad (creepy but real).

Who gets what they want. I just think everyone is confused in what they want. You really can't peg down the human race. Most of the time i hear about people getting together and being sucessful it was chance. Some sort of events occured to lead to another to create this cataylst of life along the lines of love.

Everyone can say what they want, because it's so easy to want. I want money, I want a life, I want to be sucessful.

Who knows what they need. I need air i know that, food and water is important. Need calls out for the rule of necessity. What does God percieve to be necessary for me. It doesn't take someone to have the same ideas as you for you to be sucessful. God doesn't want you to become a housewife when he see's a future full of sucess. God will give you what you need because it will be more important than what you want. We want with our eyes, we need with our soul.

So what do I want. I want to feel loved. I want to be able to look into a girls eyes and just know life is ok. I want to fall asleep knowing theres something on the other end waiting for me. I want to know what it's like to be important.

but what do I need. Million dollar question. God knows what I need, but is he going to give it to me. Or is he going to let me make mistakes, get hurt all inorder so I can find it on my own. I know I need a girl who is smart. and funny. The lack of those 2 gives the relationship a rather short shelf life. I need air. What is air to me. How can I breathe. My eyes feel hollow because I'm not breathing. I'm not dieing either. I know what my air is. It's always that one thing that is so close but if i open up my eyes it's so far away. I hope it's my eyes playing tricks on me.

Well since this feels like some theoligical life narrative essay I'll summize and end. Life is a game of wants, when all we really have to do is need. What do I need. It's not a question because you already know the answer.