Heat

As I sit here blazing and sweating not only from the heat of
my decisions but from the lack of a functioning Air Conditioning Unit
I can't help but stay awake. As the sweat builds up on my neck it feels
like every decision I've ever made is weighted by the indecision i have
ever occurred.

The crossroads of life has come and gone faster than I ever wanted to imagine.
I feel like all there is now are questions. Unanswered questions. About me
life others sex love attitudes happenings ins and outs and the universe. Why
can't I be that guy with answers. Who sits alone in their basement spewing over
life's questions with only a pen and paper, jotting notes on exsistence and filling
in the blanks of habitation.

I am me because of this.
You are you because of that.
We are here because of these.
End results of things and those.

Does that mean you are living the good life when you end up with more
questions than possible answers. A life full of adventures can only
produce confusion and exhaustion. But at least it was a life worth living.
How would I know only at 22. This is an age of facts. of discoverment.

I get to where I want so I can have what I need to be this idea of what I am.

I've come to the point of what I am is a predicament of decisions around me
pushed together by actions I have failed to take.

I am here because I didn't wear a condom.
I am here because I didn't follow through.
I am here because I didn't go back to school.
I am here because I didn't have the strength to move on.

How can I be what I am from a lack of will. I've unwittingly found myself
in a predetermined mold. From which i will be what someone wants me to be.
Useful purposeful member of society with a decent job, a wife 2.5 kids
a mortgage and a minivan.

What happened to this dream of me I once had. That's what the problem is
with society presently. My fictional dream direction was acting like the
real life position i have reached.

Never to say where I am is bad. I could be at the bottom of a lake with
cement shoes. I am glad to be alive and glad to be able to make decisions
how ever aesthetic they are.

I just have to wonder how I've gotten to this point.

but I am not unique to as where I am. This is not a problem just
plaguing me:
It's everyone finding themselves at that point of no return.

A young man's decision to be the adult he is supposed to be.
I don't think anyone willingly makes that decision by themselves.
Situations occur that bring rise to the ever fabled question.

Am I man-enough to follow through.

Do I have what it takes to put away my childish things.

Can I be responsible for my actions and my decisions.

To take the heat of what I do and say.



I know the whereabouts of where I am. Not to sure where to pin point it.
But I can approximate.

Because with decisions like

Is she the one?
Am I ready to be a dad?
Can I be responsible for who I am?
Am I capable of being this person?

There are no solid answers, no multiple choices, no re-do's or make up exams.
I can't practice and there is no routine.

I can hope and wish want and worry but I can only accept what life has given me.
A chance to live. To appreciate. To pick a path and start walking.

All those thoughts of is it right, can I do this, why am I here, and it's not fair
take the proverbial back seat to action and reaction.

Processes of 'Love' and the ideas that follow is only what the head can imagine or what the heart desires. But neither are fitted for tangible responses.

You can only go with what you have now and hope. Hope for things to come and hope for what you have now is what you will see in the end.

You take what you have and start walking the heart and mind will follow.

Fill in...

I want to write. I really do with so much stewing in my head
I need to write. My mind moves but my hands don't. Maybe
I need to keep a journal. No more typing.

who knows.