a year late

Well its been over a year since i have blogged last.  and that's quite a feet in it self.  I use to find myself writing all the time in these things.  Noting my thoughts, suggesting behaviors, over using the comma.  But just like in life and especially my life things change, after typing that it actually makes me think.  Do things change or do I just find less time.  The only real thing that has changed has been less time to do the things I use to do.  But loads of time to do the things I need to do now.  Work, cook, play with my kids, work out and drive to and from different places.

I still find time to think in my head that has not changed.  About customers usually past memories. Sometimes how I really would like to handle situations or books among books that I want to write.  No different than grand central station where all these things are just moving back and forth never really stopping for more than  a few moments.  Sometimes I want to stop and catch one of these thoughts and put them into motion, guide them to wear I really want to go.  Just like a subway car the door shuts and goes on without me.

What really brought this blog today on is the impending 10 year anniversary of my mom's passing. and really its drew me to here.  In the thought of writing in here will spur my ambition and write letters to the people who helped me out during that time.

writing

I think I may start writing the novels I've been itching to write for years. I just haven't sat down and start putting the pen to pad.

Letters from Hope

about a girls who highly christian and her mom's whose not that passes away. They're estranged and she comes back for her funeral al la garden state style. Get's a letter from her mom (hope) and goes through a journey where she discovers that her mom was religious and it goes into religious tolerance and how there are different ways to express it.

so its been a while...

And that's not by accident. When it comes to write down thoughts about my life there seems to be no time or privacy. And this is a very private thing to do in a very public place. To put your mind in the spirit of sharing is hard to do. And if that's my biggest worry than I feel like I'm on top of the world. But feeling and reality are never really that connected. It's all about attitude and how you control that attitude.

Privacy yeah, i get 30mins of it a day. When I walk up to my store and slide in the key there is exactly 30 mins before another human being is aware of my presence. I have never really appreciated that until recently. It's amazing how clear I can think in that 30 minutes. About everything that has happened and will happen.

I've never really had dreams really all I've has was aspirations. Always wanting to aspire to do better, be better live better. I hate disappointing anyone. I'm not sure where I got that from but it physically makes me hurt when I feel like I've disappointed someone or caused someone trouble. And all these years I've worked so hard so that everyone would be happy. Whether it be my old bosses or my family. And now I've gotten there. And for some reason all I look forward to is that 30 minutes of silence.

Now that's not to say I'm not happy because really I'm ecstatic. I have my own store, getting paid very well. I have 2 beautiful kids and a wife that manages to keep everything together. Is everything perfect. Hardly but it shouldn't be. Something worth keeping is something worth working for.

Sometimes late at night I find myself looking at Face book and feeling weird. How can I be this old? When did I become an Adult?

I have lots of things I need to work on. For me and my family.
From working out to listening to music again.

It's just I can't throw on my I POD and go for a jog anymore it has to be a family outing. And I can't complain about that lot's of people I know are yearning for belonging and it doesn't come until you have a family. Til there is someone out there wholly dependent on you for their lively hood. It's quite a feeling not a day goes where I don't think about this house of cards falling down and what I would do. But I've come too far to let anything slide between my fingers.

I'm living in Granbury now renting a house. I have 2 kids and a wife. I have a great job that I love. I have family surrounding us. I have someone to lay down with every night. I have a reason to wake up every morning smiling. I have a chance for something better everyday if I can see it. And that's the thing you have to notice the way to get better. So often you blow right by it without a fleeting though because you become so complacent with your life. I have to stop at every chance and feel I can be better. I have room to grow. I can be more compassionate, more willing to accept failure and take a chance.

I think I can do that. Become more than just an idea. More than thoughts. More than empty promises to myself. More than my apathetic choices.

So that's what I'll do.

Starting with quite possibly going to bed now. since i have to wake up in a few hours.

Til next time.

so it's been a while since i've posted but not for a lack of trying. I use to be better at this buy life believe it or not stands in the way. I look at this blog and it's almost like it has stood still in these past few months where actually my life has been vastly different.

Another kid, a new place, promotion on the horizon. Things lining up hopefully not to get knocked down. It seems like everything should be on the right track. not that there is ever really a track, there is no carved out path for all of us to take. just a series of arrows followed by a series of trails followed by a series of diversions.

but we all walk along and get to where we are going. never the less it might not be the final thought it would be but it's all part of the grainy black and white picture. it's what you make out of it because when ever someone else looks at it, they will see something different.

So here I am, a family man struggling to find a way for him and his family to excel. so I will continue on with what is working now keeping in mind that it might not work in the future. but i just keep my head up facing the wind. Aware that sometimes everything will fill normal and happy and those times will always outweigh the times of disillusion.

craze

Craze is considerably like mange. bubbling on your skin and discoloring your very being. It happens to me every few months. after the sleepless nights and tireless days starting wearing my down. Everything just kinda settles on your soul never really falling off. It's like a lamp that collects dust, you can still turn it on and everything seems fine but the dust never leaves.

Adriane is 6 months pregnant now and addy is 2 and half. Everyone's stress level is peaked. Everyone's emotion is stretched. Try staying up 24 hours straight it's amazing how life doesn't feel as important. Your body has to be ready for whatever it is that your are going to experience today. Stress and moodiness restricts that.

I try not to get like that. I go to work tired early in the morning and work hard. I want to get promoted. I want to take the next step in life. I come home usually happy. Radio on ready for dinner that my wife always has ready. but life gets in the way and eventually something gives.

It comes with the territory. So i roll with the punches. It gets tough sometimes you can't always blow the candles out on the cake at some point you have to bake the cake.

so thats what were doing we're baking the cake.



I've gotten completely out of my normal routine lately. Gave up working out, and abandoning my no coke phase and not listening to music or writing. so what am i going to do!
i need to get back on that horse. I was just talking to someone that i really wish i could have been in the arts sector of work. alas I'm at Walgreen not quite the most creative industries. Do you really have to make sacrifices in life. Are dreams meant to be dreams? or is it because i'm not proactive with my own self worth. I have to be the one determining my own destiny. Try doing that juggling a family, finances, moody bosses and crazy drivers.

Getting older

It's weird getting older. My mind has already packed in whole sections of my life. It's amazing whole memories, things that at that time were the most important thing to me has been lost in the wind. and how how things are brought back into perspective. I never thought there would be a time in my life where I could not remember people places or things. whole entities.

forgotten for all time, until the time comes. where you meet that person. that place. the thing that has long been forgotten. and that warm feeling washes over you. the regaining of a memory long forgotten. whether it was good or bad. even bland and nonsensical. To have something come back from long ago is refreshing. I can remember at an early age thinking I don't want to get old enough to forget today. Now there are months missing. But that comes with the territory. And it goes to show you what the real impact ful things of your life truly was. It may not have been getting the keys to your first car or a date with your crush. Maybe it was swinging with one of your friends. Maybe it was a long walk on an icy road with no where to go. Maybe it was starring at the stars looking for something else. You'll never know what will really transform your life. Not even the moment it happens. Nothing is as important as it really was.

It's all just another day until your mind makes it something else. It always amazes me what those days really were. So what was today. A day with my daughter. Running around the park not unlike any other day. but what makes it so is my soul. My soul protecting a memory i can't give back. or give up. Because the time's your with the someone you love is never more important than the times you have long forgotten. Only you can hold the keys to the memories you have. and only you can appreciate the times that they were.

tired

i dont think i have ever been this tired in my whole life.

this new store is kickin my ass

but it has been improving.

little by little we are going to do it.