Supressed.

I think for the most part I just really miss my mom. The fact I don't talk about it makes it worse I suppose. Lindsay thinks I'm just this great guy who gives her so much love she can't give it back what she really doesn't know is that I have no one else to love. I have no mom to run to when I'm sick. I don't have a night solid tight relationship with my dad. Or want to love on my sister. Or have a pet to continually to love all the time. I have her. And I put all my effort towards her. I depend on her I really do.
She told me today that on some days she doesn't want to be with me on other day's she does. How does that work, how do you choose to not want to be with someone only for one day. I go through those thoughts but I don't act upon them cause that is exactly what they are thoughts. and truths. Why won't she love me. Why does she hve to feel trapped. She wants me to trap her so she can break up with her (verbatim). What does that mean. why would she want that. Does she want to be depressed. Right now she feels weird but in reality she's depressed but has no reason to be depressed. That is what breeds this notion of confusion. I only want to be with her if she wants to be with me. I don't want to be an option. I don't want to be just there. I don't want to be around cause she's just afraid she wont find anyone else. I want to be with her cause she trully loves me.
She doesn't know but if this doesn't work out this time than I'm gone. Long gone. I have to. It's a survivalists game and I have to survive. and I must get out. I really hope it doesn't come to that though. I really don't. I love her too much to feel that pain and regret again. I know she's my soul mate. I know she's still trying to rebel and she still even though no matter how many times she denies it she has this urge to fit in. It's only natural we all do. She's a beautiful girl and I'm still afraid one day she will find out who I really am. A fat ogreish loaf. It's life
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that about sums it up.

Callous

Is it wrong to think that maybe she doesn't totally love me. Is it wrong for me to be upset that if she is that she forgot how to show it. She can hang out till 3 a.m. with people she barely knows but with me i have to be gone or she has to be gone early. Does she not find me attractive. Does she like me to even kiss her. She pulls away when i go for a kiss, what does that mean? It doesn't matter what it means what does matter is it hurts my feelings. Why do I feel distance. Is she telling me the truth. Do I trust her. She has to regain trust she should know that. I told her I trust her like I did in the past but she should know im appeasing her. She has to earn it. She needs to remember she's lucky to have me. I didn't realize that till recent. She's the lucky one. I do love Lindsay dearly. She is the most important person in my life, but without that feeling come back to me, why on earth should i try so hard. Why must I be the one constantly putting forth energy. I have been putting forth energy from Sept. 1. Why do I feel neglected. Why do I feel this air of Fragileness. Does she Accept me. She says she loves me. But she also said she loved me in June of last year. I would do anything for that girl. I would. Sometimes I wish she felt the same way I felt about her. I just want to know for sure she loves me. or if she doesn't. But if she doesn't things are going to get cut. No more talking. No more seeing her parents. It's done. Is that why she's keeping me around.

There is one thing for sure. I love Lindsay. I trully do. I always have. I wish she would just not snap at me so much. I wish I felt her wanting kisses. I want her to stay out till 3 am with me. I do. I don't know what to do. I don't. I'm tired. and blank. I need a vacation from life. I do. Things are going really well right now. that doesn't happen to me. things will mess up surely. in time. I'm just not going to fall flat on my face this time. I'm going to be ready for it. accept the situation and move on. and I hope Lindsay is there by my side.

Fate and it's Unprecedence...

So much has happened, in what a month. Life maintains a constant motion even when you don't. I questioned Lindsay's motives. I was shocked by her falling back in love with me. What was it that changed her mind.
She told me a number of factors. Factors. I have been reduced to factors. Not gut feeling. Not fate. She means well though. She said no for so long that she had actually believed she wasn't in love with me. How odd. She said No to me so much that now I'm not even sure if Love is really what it is. Alas I do love lindsay. and all her idiosecrencies. I understand that she has to say aloud all the time how much she thinks she's grand to hide or atleast mask or even just to disagree with as much of her insides that says she's not. Sometimes it's overbearing. Your good at a lot of things. Quite lucky actually. But modest is where people succeed in life. Or atleast i think so. What can I say though cause i turn around and do the same thing sometimes.

I have understood that she is most definately not the same exact girl I dated what would have been our 3rd year a couple days ago. She's more independent, she doesn't need physical love as much (cuddling, kissing, or even sex (which i actually couldn't care about though it feels great it should never be the defining point of a relationship)). She still want's to do what she wants to do, unless she looks over and see's me toughing through it, in which i appreciate. But none of this means anything. It's nothing more than a few things that can get a little unnerving. not a big deal really.

But I'm here left thinking what is going on with all this. I know she loves me, I really do. She knows what she did wrong and she also knows im not mad at anything about this past year, It was a growth year for the both of us. We both did our own things. I mantained contact with her and made myself a constant for her. Cause I really do think Constants can make a person's life more enduring.
I'm not sure where all this is leading I really don't. I think it just comes down to me wondering am I setting myself up for disaster again. Am I the one who's going to get hurt. Are things going to be great for a year and disapate. 6 months. 1 month. who knows. We don't fight. We're back to where the good times were. Well not even that it's like we have a happy medium between our first 2 years right now. We're loving life and yet being grown up. Joking around but being serious. I have always known that I love this girl. It's been the only thing i have ever been certain of in my life. A part of me just wants to make sure that this is True. I feel it is. I just haven't quite convinced my brain to think that way just yet. What can I say he's stubborn.

Fate is a magical and odd entity to life. It can give you the dreams you have always envisioned yet all the while in La La Land, it mixes things up and make sure that there is strife and work. Nothing should just be so easy you wonder if there's more to it. Fate, the good Fate requires work. Attention. Attitude. Involvement. Ideology. I'm putting forth so much effort. Well I wouldn't even call it effort so much as putting somethings ahead of others that I just wonder if Lindsay is doing the same thing. I think she is. I really do. I'm just still a bit confused. I really am. This is everything i've wanted and hoped for the past year. All the tears and tension lead me to her. I have her now, it's still a bit daunting. I'm just still in shock. I asked her out back on the 3rd again. I hope we have many more anniversaries to come.

I dunno I'm just tired and the tired brain loves to churn the wheels. Tired bodies make the brain push forth things you should have laid to rest. I'm fighting the good fight. but i feel there are casulaties. I really love Lindsay, and I want to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her. I need that.