Remember.

I had this dream once where I would take my girl for a stroll in nyc, walk to the met, sit down and eat a hot dog, and as the sun setted and nyc fell to the shadows, ask my girl if she wants to make this a forever thing. and as the faces of hope and despair walked pass us to their own destination, i would be able to fall into her eyes into a world known only to grandparents, where love isn't the only thing it's the everything.

consistency

There's this girl, that told me she liked me, and I got happy.
Than I got sad cause it would never work out.
Realization is demoralizing and the killer
of all our dreams, realized or not.
But she is beautiful and full
of potential. No doubltly
go on to better things
than me, and my
non - whimisical
mind. I'll keep
that picture
because we
will need a
dream. I
think.
cali.



other news, i'm moving to denton if everything works out. and visiting nyc with my brother again. and continue to lose the poundage. listen to good music. work hard. read boooks. get smarter be nice and dream dreams until i have my waking life.

Sleeping In.

On a night like this all I have is my thoughts, my thoughts and my soundtrack. More and More days are growing together, weeks merely punctuate the month. This June I gave myself some goals, and told myself that I will do these. To shed some pounds, to stop wasting money on food, to not indulge in the craziness of life, to surround myself by people who I think are successful (in the means of life) and to take risks. I have merely tickled the surface but I already feel so much better and there are yards to go.

Taking risks is hard to do, not knowing outcomes creates disarray in the mind. I've had too many chances to move on (with girls) and what has happened I froze, faster than a deer in headlights. I was afraid. Afraid of what. Happiness, belonging, touched. Scared that there is life after love. I keep setting myself up for failure, and that I complain about how my life never catches a break. My break should be that I'm still alive and have the chance to feel comforted. Maybe it's because I feel like there is so much more out there better than me, fiter, smarter, funnier, more handsome than me. Why should anyone settle. Am I selling myself too short? Well who doesn't. Is it costing me more than I want to realize, yes. I spend so much time analyzing everything in my head that it passes me by. Why can't I be this guy on paper in real life. The guy who knows what he should do and does it. I pour myself in here in hopes it will mutate to life. In way it has.

Belonging. I haven't felt that since my senior year. I know who I am, I know where I came from, I have an idea of who I want to be. Yet I always feel slightly out of place. Usually I can look past it but lately it's grown. I come home and I don't leave my room. I say 2 words to my dad a week, I'm scornful towards my sister, and i rarely see my brother. I'm not quite a stranger in my house, but my house does not feel like home anymore. I miss that feeling, because it's a feeling not a place. Home is where the heart is, but more over home is where love exsists. I feel loved, but it's bland and general. There's something about sincerity that can life the soul. I think I've just come to the point in my life where I need to venture out on my own. No more safety net of familiar comfort. No more coming home to the same place for the past 21 years, no more routine. Life needs to be shaken up like a bottle of Yoo-Hoo, other wise everything you like will sit at the bottom while your stuck up top wondering why life isn't as sweet as it was.

Sometimes all I really want is a hand to hold. Someone to hug and say things will get better, they always get better. That special feeling you get when you hug someone and your chest starts to burn a little and you don't want to let go, cause you feel like everything will be alright. A kiss goodnight. Just knowing that I have someone to call. To talk to. To feel for. When you have someone you can go to bed at night knowing that tomorrow there is someone who can't wait to see you, who will want to talk to you, who will be there. However good the relationship, how ever rocky, that statement is true. Just the degrees can vary. Wow I kinda got tear eyed with all that. Lonliness is settling in, now I know why I work so much.

I talk to this blog like it was a real person, like it understands me. Just like I listen to music as if it's talking to me. Wrapping the world around me.

emptiness.

The more and more I think about it, the more and more it stews, the longer it wakes, tosses and turns in the pit of my stomach in the front of my mind, the more I just ignore it the more it screams at me. My ex is engaged and getting married. It's like staring at the sun, it's bad for you but it's euphoric the way the light blinds everything to darkness. I try not to let it effect me but I guess if I think about it, it just hurts. Hurts cause it almost feels like i'm destined to solitude. Cause I feel like her being engaged causes no means to an ends.

There are plenty of girls I like/love. Some more than others. Few so much. I forget that life is a series of events, and the causality of them is sporadic and unequational. Life just flows, like a rived moving in and around blockades, eroding rocks, dirt, everything to smooth than to nothing. As time moves on, erosion will cause my life to be smooth, but when will that happen. I'm patient but I'm also a bit lonely. I need a balance. a full circle. a hand to hold, a cheek to kiss, a shoulder to lean on, eyes to look at.

Thinking.

Cute kittie. Cute girl.


maybe I should expand. I decided a long while back that I was not going to force myself into any situation. I was not going to go specifically looking for a girl. I was not going to put a description in my mind and match it to that...really for anything, because life does not follow your rules. or my rules. Life follows life. It does thing unpredicted but planned. It gives you commons but throws you off base. It says you believe this, you want this, you think this but here's that. It's not a test but a reaction. No life is meant to be "safe" in that color. Where nothing disagrees and the grass is always green, life is differences but more along the lines of contemplation. The thoughts that were provoked. I always wondered if life really was puzzle pieces and ultimately it was up to you to piece it together. Now I think life is a coloring book. Where there are lines but you don't have to stay in them, it's a duck but it can be a purple duck. Yet the end product is what it's supposed to be...a picture. (a life). Life (which once again is interchangeable with God(or what have you)) gives you situations and lets you free to react upon them, for who you are is nothing but reactions of what happened and what is going to happen. So when you find someone that you can talk to, that you tell pretty much everything to, things you don't really talk about ever, you become enamored with that person, because talking is the soul. Nothing is as easy as baking a cake, guidelines and rules, nomenclature and society locks are all weighed upon what you do and what you want to do. Every girl I've liked has had something about them that made it hard just to say alright let's do this, whether it be having a boyfriend, living far away, moving away, confusion of feelings, strife is life's work horse. Comes down to doing what is easy or what is right, and both are hard to figure out. Nihilism is a bad approach but the most accessible. Not just in girls but in life.

Every problem I've had or situation that has occurred I have acted and reacted in the ways that I thought were accordingly. I didn't cry when my mom told me she had cancer. I didn't cry the day my family stood around her and prayed. I didn't cry when she died. I didn't cry when my dad was on my shoulders. I actually almost didn't cry at the funeral but i caught a glimpse of this uncle I really like and he was cry so I guess it just made it easier. I just accepted what was in front of me. Adversaries are there to test life and death is the final answer to it all. The second you are conceived you are dieing. Just the time may vary. Which is why I really don't mention my mom too much, not because I didn't like her au contrair I was a mamma's boy and I am intelligent today because of her, I have an excellent work ethic because of her. But something like that happening at a pivotal point in ones life forces you to think about what life is and what life means. It's been 4 years and I still haven't figured it out. Other than I find it pointless to hate in life, to treat badly people in life, to do malice, because Life is inherently already hard who am I to make it worse for others. Who am I to think and act and talk in ways that make other people seem inferior or wrong when there are no wrong or right answers, only answers to different situations with different minds, with different reactions, with different variables. I just act upon ways that I would want for myself.

I know that was a jump off from my main point, but I do that, also there is an ant crawling on my ceiling. Kind of amazing that gravity has it's exceptions too.

back to the point, point of the cute kittie, cute girl. Which are 2 of my favorite things, and upon themselves at the same times is a wondrous thing. All I do is just take life what it's worth, and it's worth more than anyone thinks.

what?!?

funny how everything is different a week later. a week that started out with hope and happiness exuburence about life and it's plausabilities. Now at the end only looking at what could have been. My ex is engaged and that shattered my bones for a few days, not so much the fact that i wanted to marry her, but more along the lines that it's not fair that she has someone. and I don't. Or I might have had, excecpt like always she has perfect timing to to forge a valley in my movement forward. I don't even neccessarily want to get married, but I do want to have that someone to have the chance with. no matter how slim. margin of error is only in the eyes of fantasm. I've been shell shocked all week really. cause now that linds is engaged it is obvious that it is me who is messing up with life. and for once i thought i made of had a new start, even if it didn't go anywhere it was a start. i guess i was so at awe that i didn't put the car in gear, just sitting their on idle. So what started off as a week of up lifted self hope and self image to now which has made me painfully aware of how inadequate I am at with what i hold dear to the most. girls. girl. you. everyone.

recent developments.

after recent developments in my life I might be edging closer to moving away.

for someone who can talk in and about life, i sure can't figure mine own out.

maybe retirement is what i need. or a jazz club in nyc where i can mc and just be.


sometimes i just wish i lived in the 50s or in the time of the royal tenenbaums.

Alas,

So what am I supposed to do. Why do I feel so incompetent. Last night I just got this rush of sadness over me ( prolly cause I forgot my mom was dead for a brief moment). I walked to my car and just didn't understand. Than today after work I came straight home and just laid down and closed my eyes. There is nothing worse than sleeping and not dreaming. Life has become so boring my soul can't imagine anything. A product of my own creation. When did I become so Afraid of living. Why am I so nervous about the unnecessary things. Why do I feel so underserving of everything. Has the nice guy in me fully taken me over to the point where I deserve nothing and everyone deserves everything. Am I afraid of change. Well really who isn't. Status quo is life. It's sustainsion. Do I read too much into things than don't need reading at all. Have I replaced intution with indication. Is it cause I want to understand the things I'm not supposed to understand. Is it because I'm weary of idea that my life can and will get better. Likes it supposed to. Am I to think that it is just unbelievable that a beautiful girl has feelings for me. I have always said 18-23 is a rough time. So many things coming at you, so many things that are life changing, that are personal, that are important. Which one's do you take, which ones do you sacrafice. Life is about experiences and adventure. Respect and gratitude to those who do take chances and do things beyond the realm of our usual situations. Experiences are so key. I have this reknewed sense of self-esteem, that i owe so much to you. Life (i say life but it is interchangable with God) is interesting in which it breeds situations that you need not want. This is what you need make your decision and play it out. Ultimately it's and individualistic sport but it helps to have a great coach, sometimes it's just hard to understand him. In the time of need eyes are blinded and trust is tested. Hope is the heart that'll beat when you take the first step.

conundrum.

how do you distinguish the future your going to have and the future you should have.

Point Taken.

What happened to the nice guy. Did he get lost in the shuffle. How can that be when I look in the mirror I'm still here. I'm not picture perfect but I act like everyone else is. Is this a shattered look at life. Peering through leaves on a tree, seeing only what the tree lets you. Is optmism better than pessism. Where does blind optmism lead. I don't pretend to be perfect but I don't pretend to be things I am not. We're a dieing breed. The unattached nice guy. The non-crux person. I'm not nice because I'm uber religious. I'm not nice because I have an addiction to drugs. I'm nice because thats how I want to be treated. How great would this world be if people just did things in the lights of themselves, we're already shallow enough to make this life all about ourselves. Why not think and act like everyone else is you. Or maybe everyone in life is blinded by the sight of indifference towards getting what they want. Karma. Karma has more science than anyone would like to think. Life is a cycle. Everything in this world and others live lives in a cycle. Born, grow, die. Things have to come full circle. People wonder why everyone is out to get them, but maybe it's because their out to get everyone. I'm nice. I put everyone else in front of me, in the hopes that maybe they will do the same. It's getting hard though. Everyone is so pre-occupied with themselves. Understandable to a point. Because in the end it is just you. But life is not about you. It's about people, nature, moods, thoughts. You can not be independent of the cycle. Yet I do all these things for everyone, and nothing comes my way. I'm nice to everyone to no avale. I'm nice to you doesn't mean that you can be not nice to someone else. Forgiveness, is about as tasty as regret. Yet hand in hand do they walk. I do my best for the most part, is it hard for this world to do the same. Grudges and prejudices are so trivial that it's uncomprehendable why people depend on them. People will always be people. Mob mentality is bad news, and everyone is doing it.

So what should I do. They say, you should surround yourself by successful people inorder to be successful, Now I don't mean in the light of business and fiscal. What's the associating with people who are self sufficent to the point of self dependency. Why should I devout all my breath and life to people who don't appreciate the ideas of life. Empty hopes and pipe dreams are the drugs of self sufficient people. The laws of life need not apply. I will not understand hate. Though I can play with fire, I won't get burned. Stick your hand in it enough you will get calloused. I don't want to be calloused. Callousness loses the grip of respect. And I hold that too close to lose it. For myself and others.

I do all this for what expectations, should I feel obliged to have things come my way. Why is that people who don't appreciate the fine lining of life get things handed to them. Is that the cycle. What does this all mean to me. Why do I feel like I'm getting shafted. You can't always have the best hand in the game. Is it time for me to bluff and take my chances. Or should I say i've won enough I'm bound to lose. Streaks happen, winning or losing. Yet everyone feels like I'm losing something. Is that the fact of life with the process of growing. When a tree grows does it lose branches and roots. Branches maybe but not roots. I guess you can't lose your past.

Sometimes I just feel like I'm going at life alone and all I want is just someone to be there. Knowing that this problem isn't unique doesn't help. Knowing that this problem when it come's down to it, is my own created demise doesn't help. What does help is being aware. I am grateful for so many things in my life that it makes this one thing feel so much more important. I know I am lucky by all means, within the sprectrum of the universe it's almost wrong for me to even complain. But strange how love is the most curable disease that we're all dieing from.