Marry Me?

As this being the last weekend of the perrenial summer I should make a comment about whats going on mentally, which is tada mostly nothing. If I haven't been working i've been sleeping or couped up in this house for my fear of social anxiety...I know kind of an oxy moron

Time, what a waste.




School starts on monday, what am I going to do. Really. It's already hard enough to maintain a bit of sanity now, add lots more stress and lots more to do, a recipe for insanity. Seems like I have a knack for creating bad situations, ruining chances. Repression what a silly defense mechanism, yet so useful.


I have no idea what I want, no idea where I want to go, no idea what to do...i guess we're all in the same boat. A generation lost in the shuffle I feel, we're so doped up on medicaine and propaganda that no one clear cuts a path to eventuality. I want to be something eventually, but how do I know when to begin.


I'm the last romantic...it's true. Mainly because I feel like my soul was meant to be in the 50's being a beatnik poet. Wooing women and treating them like they deserve...and they deserve alot, I mean c'mon we owe our exsistence to them

But whats wrong with me. nothing. I'm so busy wanting my life to be like the movies not realizing there is no director. well maybe god but i buy into the whole free will ideaology. Why do I let a girl like Abby slide between my fingers like sand from the beach. why am i so in love with life that i get so in love with potentials. potentials are like faded writing on a love note. you want to read it and even though you can't it's that love is intoxicating. even just the idea of it, even that of family love, friend love, love love. is it because happiness is love, i hope it is, but who can really know what happiness is.

My dad is dating a girl, which i think is awesome, but is love replacable or is love just a feeling and we all know i can be happy with a good grade or a box of donuts. Everything is in degrees nothing is absolutes. That causes all the strife and misunderstandings. That causes remorse and hate, love and temptation. Nothing can really be replaces but everything can be hidden behind a shadow. I'm thinking for a few months my heart was hiding behind a shadow, the shadow my thoughts make. You heart should not need thoughts to explain what it's doing. Is that why I develop feelings for girls because i'm free willed. free spirited. put your life on a limb and you'll see the world but you'll fall hard. Makes it hard to climb the tree again, but whats the point of the night if you can't admire the stars.

An Afterthought

I sure don't feel like a guy who almost died last week?

Disconcerning

Let me take a second here out of my vacation which is slowly disappearing to comment or rather moderate to you all what has got to be the craziest night of my life. And actually for emphasis let's Tarantino this and tell the ending before the beginning and work our way backwards. In the hospital soaking wet, puking up everything, passing slowly in and out of conscience states. Yup sounds about right. The ending to a night that was too much drinking and not enough food in the stomach. My poor brother I feel bad for him, he must not of been in that situation before. To tell you the truth I have been a lot drunker in my life, a lot drunker and a lot sicker. All I needed was a huge glass of water and something food like in my stomach to cushion the loads of alcohol that were swirling about in it. But no one is to blame other than myself so I understand. I'm smarter than this, but I let my other half get the better of me.

That's all i'm really going to say i'll talk about it more later but i still feel a bit unnerved. Here's to a safe trip home and a vacation with lots of memories already.

Bloc Party

Easily the hottest, sweatiest, dirtiest, bawls out, rock your fuckin face off concert ever.

Picture 100 degrees beating down on you by the sun, waiting in line for 2 hours to get in the door.

Picture 2500 mass amounts of bodies pushed up against one another creating bdu's that could melt metal. Picture you up front at the gate one foot away from 4 people you respect and idolize screaming your lungs out feelings tense from the gel of intelligence flowing around. Feelings sweat drip off you like rain from a tree. Clothes drenched, hair tossled around, eyes burnt, shaking hands with the devil, and letting it all out. fucking bloc party. i was sore after wards, shakey, hot, sweaty, bloody, and tired. Like having sex with a cougar. It was worth it.

all in all greatest moment in the history of tim, was being 1 foot away from greatness.

Vacation.

so i'll be back in about 2 weeks with lots of photos'
lots of memories

lots of everything

i hope you miss me.

i hope everything is the way it's supposed to be.





nyc, here i come.

Adieu

Wow I got probably the drunkest i've been in a long time last night and managed to punch a wall that was fun!


no real philosophical banter or life lessons, life bitching to report on.

i'm just dead in water, waiting for my vacation to start. I have been working solid for the past year so it'll be nice to have a few days off and spend time in New York City. I seriously need to live there. For one main reason (it might be a bit contrived and selfish) to spite lindsay's dream. She talked constantly of moving to NYC and become a writer. It would be nice if I could do that not because I'm mean spirited more along the lines that I want her to know/see that I am a dream maker.

The accomplisher. To prove to this world that want you want to happen can happen. If you fight long enough get bruised and battered you either give up or you muster enough strenghth to stand your ground. I'm standing and ready to walk.


ok I'm just rambling on. mean while I should be getting ready for work. but work can wait cause life can't.


That tim zimm is a silly bitch.

Internationaly Tongue Tied

In one weeks time I will not only be seeing my favorite band in concert but i will also be on the road to my favorite place in the world NYC.

And the more i think about it the more fitting it is to this summer because let's face it people, summer is just about over, i think maybe one more week (of course i'll be nyc) and than bam full blown life. With everyone going to school, working, spending time with their boy/girlfriends.

What can I say about this summer, I can say everything is totally different now than it was in the beginning. I have new job, a new store, new friends (and some exclusive old friends) People have broken up people have gotten together people are just being people (in the depeche mode style). Good news is that Lindsay doesn't even enter my mind anymore, which is kind of sad, but she has a life of her own accord, and from what I can tell she is happy, and well who doesn't deserve to be happy. Rob and ashley have a place of their own and no one saw that coming. Brandon moore and company have disappeared randomly (maybe because I disappeared) at any rate the scenery has changed.

As for me, I'm still at home but close to moving out, closer than I ever was. This summer has given me a really good friend (and a co-worker). I have less friend than I started out with but the one I do have mean more, which I guess in turn really getting older that is what's supposed to happen. The triple Z got reunited for one night and that was the best feeling since High School. I have money and health and a virtuous lifestyle. The lack of a girl in my life is still the more disheartening but I understand in the reasonings of life that being my biggest worry I am well off than most.

As for family divorces, molestations, and new dad girlfriends have all been served up on a platter atleast showing me that there is fallibility to life and it can reach us at any time no one is immune. I feel lonely in my house yet it's understandable, this house represents everything of a time that was extremely happy and joyous ( a time where my mom was alive, dinner was served together, I had someone to intelligent with)( a time where everything was ahead of me, I had a steady girlfriend, prospects a plenty), now it's just a shell, shells of time that has been passed up. But that's what happens you grow older and lifes you led shed off like the skin of a snake. The only way to happy is to constantly reinvent yourself. Striving to be the best Tim Zimm I can be (stiving to be the best you, you can be) that doesn't mean you'll reach it or even if it is the best tim zimm I can be, it just means I inherit the struggle of life and I will cherish the growth from it, and I will push forward with the knowledge I have to do what I think is needed to be done.

I remember at the beginning of the summer I told Rob that I want the summer anthem to be Always New Depths by Bloc Party (that being when I didn't really know the song was about suicide), and now I think of what song best describes this summer and it is Always New Depths.
I don't condone suicide, I think it's just a cop out and weak. But there is something powerful about controling your demise. The biggest aspect that clouds every person is the uncertainty of death, not uncertainty as if were going to die, but when how and why. Ultimately I will have no control over it. I won't be able to say ok now I want to die than die. Power of having to control that is which is not supposed to be controlled. In anthropology I read about a tribe where the chief would throw a party for 3 days than he would lock himself up in the cave underneath the ground, where he would starve to death. The idea was the cheif knew that he was no more use to the tribe and would kill himself. Giving him the power to decide when to let go of this tangible world.

All that to say, This summer has created a new me, a new you, really a new us. A self image suicide. Us using our control to become who we are now. Maybe a bit hardened, maybe a bit self realisitic, a bit sadder but a lot more appreciative. We killed the optomistic youth image we had of life and moved onto the closer adult version where life is going throw whatever it wants at you, you have to accept but learn to move past it, wether it means acception of what it is or acception of taking it and fixing it. I know i use to want and wish for the life that I use to have even creating situations that were similiar but it doesn't work like that. So to say, All the pennies in the Thames will not make it how it was.

Always new depths, that is what I strive for. I feel bad for people who are skimming the waters of life. Dive in, hold your breath, and keep going out of your comfort zone, out of the standards of life. Push yourself till your about choke on the waters of life, and than you will reach the point where you breathe water and you can feel the act of living. You will have understanding, you will have ideas of what you need, you will have the chance to do things which is not part of the norm of your life.

Summertime has come and gone
All used up with wishful thinking
Get sussed out, get cynical
In this world there are no second chances
Crawling round on all fours
Curl yourself into a circle
I will tear myself apart
If you promise to paint me
As a work of art

if you think about it, no truer words were spoken.

I hope I find someone who will paint me as a work of art.

I will paint you as a work of art.

Buzzed.

Mildly buzzed and midly entertained. What is there left to do but blogggggggggggg even though i have already written one today, but why not. And really I have nothing to say yet the need to say something. An absence of words and full of content. Mysteriously interesting. Clueless about everything and strung so deep that I'm perplexed. Maybe I just need sleep and a reinvention. Maybe I need to release all my woes with this world. I guess I'm just really tired. I can tell cause my mind is screaming at me but nothing will come through. I do have this problem of thinking of myself as being not good enough. Everyone can do better than me. Mediocrity is the stench of a sweaty nothingness accomplished day. I'm full of akward responses to things I know nothing about. I'm glad I have this vacation coming up because I felt this way last year (of course when I came back from nyc linds broke up with me) I guess I have that to look forward no one to break up with, (it's already been accomplished) shot down like a missile who didn't have a chance to know where it's going.Yeah I just need sleep. and a wake up call. A call to tell me to stop dreaming and be reasonable. accpt that which is what you are. My eyes are forcing its way down. Shutting me out to what is neccessary. Life doesn't owe me anyhing. I don't need a special pass. I would like something, someone, nice o go my way. who is fulfilled with understanding. sleep i guess off to where i usually excell, sleeping. Maybe to have this reoccuring dream I've had twice already, where i meet someone and i think it's going to be just fine than she pulls out. dogmatic.

Pioneers

What were we hoping for.

what a long week. long month. long summer. yet incredibly short year already.

are you happy with your current situation? It's a question I ask myself everyday but I was thinking to myself how can be happy when happy evolves every second.

Am I doing what I think might be good for me? A better question.

yet the answer is an enigma.

Skeleton.

Not that I enjoy doing this or even feel the need to post lyrics as a structure for an entry but alas bloc party concert in a week and my thoughts are quite mixed up and mashed all over so here goes....


All my thoughts are all lies
All my thoughts are all lies
All my bones are so tired
All my bones are so tired
So young and so handsome
So easily led
They told me to wait
I said

It makes a man out of me!
You take the fun out of me

And I've been consistent to the fucking dream
And I've paid my dues
Justice is a poor man
Simple man, simple desire

What should i have said?
What should i have done?
The horses are here
The damage is done
So just take off your shirt
And just take off your dress
We can go dancing
On a Saturday

It makes a man out of me
You take the fun out of me

And I've been consistent...

I'm just a skeleton

And I've been consistent...

I'm just a skeleton.


I'm fried. My eyes are burnt, my head is swimming, and my body's sore. School starts in a few weeks, and work is full swing. Friend's are thinning and so are my nerves. Everyone I know has someone by their side, a soul to confide in, eyes to just gaze at. I have numbers on a screen that mean nothing to me. Everything I do is to the best of my ability, i rare short change because I take respect in any endevoure that I pursue. I've spent so much time cirlcing work that once I stepped back I began to see the whole picture. I know I have become a hermit, but the way my subconscience sees it is that when I do go out of my way there are no returns. 20 years of pushing everything else forward no wonder I'm tired. Tired of putting it all out there on the line. Tired of putting emotions into people for no gains. no returns. only apathy. apathy is the bitter taste of life. I have fun, I put a happy face on, I throw my worries on my back. Fact remains is that with a house full of people I feel alone. Maybe that's why my heart is so easily swayed, the second i feel a kindred spirit I become enamored. Is that a bad thing, am I setting myself up for failure. The way I look at it is I give hope a chance. I should know by now what hope brings. A sense of belonging followed by a sense of rejection. The latter being not something i neccessarily bring on myself. That's the whole fallibility of life. Chances are taken, resolutions are followed, the end result is factored so many times that it's not really up to you. Status quo and distance are the bread and butter of life. The ability of keep life exactly where it's at is the black plague of today. Why change when the cost of misery is nothing. vice versa with even happiness.

What am I getting at. What is all these words saying. I just write and any sense that was once there disappears. Life is about taking chances, I guess. (If there was a concrete answer to the life question that could be a plausible answer). Going with something that you don't normally do. Saying something that is not normally said, being with someone that isn't the idea. As much as our mind thinks it knows what it wants, it really has no idea. Your mind can only tell you what you want now, not what you want in the future. It can hint at what you need. Want and needs so similiar they're indistinguishable yet worlds apart. You want something to happen but you really need this. It's so oxymoronic that it creates every problem in life, but thats the best aspect of it. Internal conflict creating external memories. Aspects of the uncontrolable life. Yet what do I do...I give risk a chance. I go out of my box feel uncomfortable get burned and return to safety. Maybe I lack in the pursuit, I hope there is a pursuit. Maybe I lack in character. Maybe I have too much character....maybe just maybe I will be forever doomed as Tim Zimm. Nothing more than nice guy best friend no worries use em up and let em go, Tim Zimm. Lindsay started that mess and it just keeps repeating. I don't really think it's that dire straits but i think it's not agreeable.

More words and more words. Like the hair that keeps growing after you die. I'm not really that worse off. I understand the circumstances of life. Nothing goes according to plan. No possible way to plan the unpredicatable, trust me i've tried. Actually I still try. Hard headed, maybe. Rational, not really. Realistic, absolutely. My heads like a construction work zone too much noise and not enough results. Actually my head is like my life. Which makes sense because your life is only what your head makes out of it. I need an exterior event...,person, to get me out of this funk. This acceptance. Someone who doesn't mind walking parks at night. Who doesn't mind listening to good music while driving around places we've never been. Someone to count the stars. How about some just to hug. Someone to smile about. To talk to hours on end about nothing and everything. With understandings and confusion. To talk philosophy to talk religion to talk life. love and everything else. Connections I guess really all it comes down. Connections and Acceptance. Accept the given or take a risk. Bear through the headache or try an aspirin. How about a change. a charge. a chance. a challenge.


boo

Generally

all there is left to do is close my eyes and feel the soft burn of the days substance burn off on the back of my eyelids, knowing that this will be one of many and i say bring it on.

enough.

enough of the drunken half philosophy entries man, wtf what are you trying to do, seem intelligent when your burping wine, thats like a blind mute trying to find her dog on a highway.

just accept that you need to go to sleep and not write anything, nothing gets accomplished other than already long run on sentences, i mean sober look at the run on i just did.

though i have liked the usage of equate, great word to bad wal-mart had to steal it and market it, fuckin tyrannist. Your already keeping my wages down and now you want to steal a great word and slap it on a bunch of sweat shop migrant worker bottles of robitussin and dimetap. I call farce on you and your image. wake up and smell the depends worn oldie greeting me as I walk in, you are not one with the community you are not helping me out by keeping these prices low, you are only hurting small business and the ingenuitive mind of the what was once the biggest small community owned stores with entrepeneurs growing the corn they were fed.

in conclusion......wal-mart = north korea and drunk tim writting = kim jong il.



also i have no idea whats going on with somethings and yet others i think i do. really i dont have any grasp over whats happening other than my attitude about it, and my attitude is whateva. How ever the wind wants to blow i'll be ok. We're all dust in the wind so to say, and farts in a car. i leave you with this metaphorical slightly funny quasi philsophical closer analogy that ties up the whole entry. Life is like a cup of coffee it's black until you sweeten it up.

gooh!Q

i fyou want lies i got em

nyc in one week
love in another.

lost flames and rekindled connections

wine and beerr equate good talks

with duke ellington and the wonder osf strabeery soup

not much beat an evening of wine and jazz records

nmot much can top that, the sound of real musi8c and with movies of feelings hidden


sounds of violins strumming the feleings of my heart teaching me that in life nothing is gibven and everyhthing is taken
only when you can accept the beauty of life can you understand the carna, insticnts that it takes

i will pass out on my bed but i will pass out remembering why it is that i pass out


the the passion of herat of a trumpet blowing the high d on his horn i sleep cbecuase i know not of the unexspectec bu5t yet i will wait with ahands out open for tha which i do not know.