well well

well well what can i say. It's been a few weeks. A few weeks more. a few weeks later. Time just seems to wear me thin. It moves in and out of our life with no regards. no distractions. no demeanor. no prejudices. Just constantly ticking away. Awaiting another second. to another second. It's amazing how long you can go throughout a day with no conscience of whats going on. How often do I forget to think. Constantly acting and reacting. I've become a robot. A tired tired robot. movies books propaganda. pleading for better lives that rarely come. Instead bust through the day to make it to the end. to lay down on the bed and forgive ourselves with sleep. I can feel the sleep burning in my eyes. I wont bow down to it tonight. I have to fight the routine. I have to fight the path. I don't need to listen to my body. I don't have to great the night sky with closed eyes. I want to remember what its like to stay up late listening to music. To think of fond friends. and good memories. of playing with my brother in our church court yard. of sprinklers in the back yard and car washes in the front. of waking up early Saturday to act our dreams the night before. but time gets in the way. it reminds me that there is little time for memories. that life is just a willing participant in a game of unknown rules. I understand that. But why can't i enjoy the times of kissing in your parents drive way pointing out constellations, of aquariums and zoos of late night walks around the campus. of waking up in your arms. Is it cruel to the present to torture it with things it can't change. When there's nothing left there are memories and feelings. smells and tingles. a notion, a smile. Maybe my mom. before she was sick. before i was a bratty teenager. before girls, and grades. before curfews and tantrums. before chemo and promises. before jobs and bills. before field trips and report cards. there was just us. of comfort. it's the little things that time can take away before you realize it. seconds tick away into abyss and memories fade like old news papers. Thats why sometimes i like stay up late at night. when everything is still. where only the walls creak. I like to close my eyes and remember. as much as i can. as often as i can. as sure as i can. the eyes grow hotter with sleep. Will i grant them their wish. and give up time. time with out you. time with out smiles. with out tears. with out love and hope. to wake up or just push play. one more song. one more chance. one more time. one more whisper and wish. escape away from here. the pain the grind the grit the chores and the games. that time i saw coldplay. the first time i saw garden state. the old fort in the back yard. roller blades and kix. I'm glad to be alive, i'm reminded daily about the pitfalls of life. and I'm always happy to be with the people i have around me. Be it my daughter or the wife or half estranged brother and sister. or my dad. my whole family. I'm lucky to be born into the situation I have today. Many of the greatest choices of my life were made before i was a blip on the radar. And just like that the greatest of my decisions have already been made up. So time will keep ticking till there is no more time. and i will have to make the decision to rest my weary eyes or to keep dredging through the already late night. its already too late.