step back

Every now and than you have to step back and look at yourself. Who is this guy. Where has he come from. An out of body experience. To look at yourself subjectively. This progression of One year, 5 years, 10 years. All those times I've cut myself off from society friends family myself. Furthering a path blazed by no one mired in mediocrity but owning it. Accepting fates hand. To look at myself and know the person I'm looking at. Not that person in the mirror who does everything you do but that person walking moving interacting. To look at yourself and say I'll make it out of this alive. Living to die. A notion in the back of the wind, the darkest of the shadows hiding behind thoughts and hidden in actions. I do this now because I won't do it in the end. Change is everything. Willingness and acceptance can be forces to reckon with.

I prefer rainy days. I love how the sky changes. Clouds moving hiding away everything we take for granted. Washing away the worries of the earth. Footsteps from the sidewalk. Trash in the street. Everything seems to be hidden. Waiting for that moment where the sun returns and we discover a new place. Free of the dirt. the trash. time. A chance to start new. To redo the changing face of our planet. Storms is time. Time washes away the scars of our face. The dirt from our souls, the blood sweat and tears of our body. Every year a new me surfaces with new chances to live. To make a difference or submerge with life. Who's to say what is right. There will never be a map to life. It's always changing, storms move in and changes the landscape. of life. of actions. of everything. I am where I'm at not because 10, 5, 1 year ago I knew who i was. I took steps forward keeping an eye on my tracks hoping to not get lost. Rain washes away those tracks, time washes away those tracks. You can only keep moving forward, hoping to get to that white lights, that lit tunnel.

A man broke his leg climbing a mountain. He was set for death. He was angry. He was sad. He had hope. He didn't make it down that slope with one motion. He made decisions. He set goals. I will scoot this far in one hour. I will slide down this far in this many breaths. He kept active and kept moving forward. Little decisions are mired in life. I will get up today. I will live today.
I am where I'm at because I made decisions. I kept acting when everything was dark. When the tracks were gone and the map was lost. Am I happy. It's not a question. Everyday I can breathe I am happy. Everyday I can interact I am happy. Do I want to be where I'm at. There is no choice in that. You can not change where you are at. I can only change where I want to go.

I look back at who I was these many years ago and I am amazed. The adventures I've been through, the heart ache, the joy and wonderment. Do I regret some decisions. No because there will always be that what if. That won't change. To regret is to leave the blinders on. Is to see the one side of a wall. But I can day dream. I can bemuse myself. I can wonder about how life would be different. The different who I would be. Hindsight is always 20-20. Everything has a meaning and everything serves a purpose. Fate poses predicaments to show us humanity. To show us we are human and we have the ability to make this life, my life.

Do I miss you. To miss is to never had tried and life tried. Do I wonder of you. Yes, yes I do. Wonder is for memories and memories will be lasting. Life is but a mere collection of memories and how you weave them is to live.

Remember

Does anyone else feel like they're being left behind. I look at pictures of my forgotten friends, they have moved on, better things, more important people, a new life. I look at these pictures and i feel empty. Where have I disappeared to. Am I just a haze in someone's mind. A forgotten memory. Why have i retreated. Turned my back and sulk into the distance. Did I give up or was I given up on. For years that's all I had, my friends. They were my rock. through sanity. Now what, they create memories of their own. It's only fair for them. I see in these pictures the smiles. I remember making them smile once. Being that guy that could light up a room. Being that guy that everyone wondered when they would show up. Now I'm just here. never there. Hell bent on a life of isolation. desolation. I use to think that everything will find itself again. That we'll all meet up, laugh about the time apart, share the stories of our lives and be a family. a family of friends. I couldn't live without them for years. Now I duck behind pillars to avoid awkward conversations. Am I ashamed for what I have become. I hope not. I work hard, have a wonderful daughter and Adriane's a hoot. I'm not quite drowning in debt and I have my own place. And yet I have nothing to say. I just feel like I'm missing out. All these people are having fun and I feel like I'm not. I work and come home. What happened to me. I use to show up and do the craziest things. I use to not be afraid of life. To try new things and meet new people. To accept life's challenges and meet them head on. Yet my friends are continuing on, smiling and laughing. Making bad decisions but enjoying life and most importantly living in the moment. A moment that doesn't include me. A moment full of happiness, building relationships and enjoying being alive. Leaving only mementos of fun scattered through the internet. For me to peer at and reminisce. Reliving the empty feeling in my stomach. Nothing is as easy as it use to be. Everything has to be so damn complicated. I can't drop what I'm doing now and be that person. Come responsibility come sacrifices. Give up on a life you once had to create a life that you once dreamed of. Amazing how that works. To be the man you want to be is to give up the man you wished to be. Sacrifice at what cost. When did friends get pushed to the back burner. Why did I allow that. But that's part of the time line. Grow up and put away childish things. Give up drinking the night away. Give up driving aimlessly with your friends. Give up chances to bear your soul. Give up those memories you wouldn't change for anything. Give up on the chance to be remembered.