i guess most people are saying to themselves where has Tim been lately?
or perhaps not, the lost silhouette of someone you have known slowly fades.
I've been here doting around life.
Stuck in a process...
I'm 22, I can remember a time playing in our church garden wanting to sneak into the cafeteria to play around, to plead my mom for a snack, to sneak into their science room to look at their guinea pigs. I don't think I could imagine 22. I should have been graduated by now. With a degree in Political Science making waves in austin. Moving to NYC with Lindsay.
Amazing how one summer can change everything. Not that I wouldn't take that summer back for anything, there's a lot more i learned that summer dealing with myself than I ever did learn in a class room.
But who's to say what is successful. Who's to say what went wrong and how it went right. How can I judge my own life when everyone around me is so unsure.
I can remember growing up and seeing my parents and thinking how strong they are, how they had some higher finality about themselves. It's almost upsetting because they distilled this deep sense of sure-ness in me. This idea that they have it figured out so I will too. How could have my dad thought about being with other women, how could have my mom hated something about him. To think they could of been unsecure about adventures in their life was not plausible.
Was i so self-centered. To think their lack of problems was only because they had to worry about mine, my brothers. Maybe it's every kid, who has some inflated personal self. I guess thats not hard to imagine.
Maybe this is a time where I would talk to my dad about what to do (if only I had been a daddy's boy)
A time to ask my mom where do I go from here. It's different at 22 than at 16. Life isn't about having a problem than getting it solved. There more complex with too many layers. How can i go when i have too many responsibilities. How can I quit when there are too many bills to pay. Sure there are small battles to be won. But there always will be yet the war will loom on.
So here I am. That is the easiest fact there is. I am here. I am thinking. I am doing these things.
So i've been missing lately. But I haven't been gone. I've been here living my life.
Going to work, coming home to Adriane, reading books watching movies indulging into the lives of adults.
Late night get togethers have been few and few in between. All nighters binge drinking wondering what i did and how come my pants are off have disappeared. Spontaneous trips to nyc austin san antonio dallas anywhere have become rare. Thats the life of responsibility. Do i hate it? No I don't believe so. Do I yearn for things to be different, Yes but who doesn't.
You can't spend life not wanting something new something different something hot something sexy. Life isn't supposed to be placid. I think you've grown up when you can transcend those things. Move past my urges. To stop living in my mind and start living in the moment. Realizing those things are for other people I am doing what i can with what I can.
I enjoy the moment I'm at, life isn't glamorous, it's not how i imagined it. It's not quite how I've seen it. But it's here and so am I,
they say theres no use crying over spilt milk
I like where I'm at I enjoy the time I'm here.
I have issues with love and commitment but who doesnt at my age. An age of options of indecisions.
In a life where i've watched my mom die. Seen my dad move on. Watched my family grow apart. And had their heart forgotten on lay away.
Everyone's got issues everyone knows it.
I just hope that I am making the right decisions. I don't want to turn 35 and look back and feel deflated.
I don't want to perpetuate the stereotype of regretting my life's decisions.
but here I am.
A soon to be dad.
