Resolution

I think everyone is going to die of hypocrisy.

scared.

my biggest fear in life is never finding that one person who will be there with me.

Introspect.

Contemplation of ones thoughts, of ones emotions, of ones life. I find myself everynight before I lay down and go to bed, that my mind spins the wheels of time. It's busy figuring out the past and piecing together the future, cause I mean everything we do is for the future. You don't grab a twinkie because your hungry at that moment, but because you will be hungry in the future. Moments don't last long enough for you to live and act in them. It's just a constant battle between the past and the future, and obviously caught in between is your present. Interesting how it's the present. It's your gift. The present, cause ultimately you can't live in the future or the past. So here is a gift that is so precious that it changes lives. Life is supposed to be about the present. Yet the present is you one second from now or one second ago. I work hard in the present so I can have a good future. I want a good future. I just want so many things right now. And I just want one thing in particular right now. But no one hands you wants, only needs. My best relationships are with people i have no chance with. I don't like those odds.

Beer.

Drunken philosophy is not only fun but entertaining, so that last messy philosophical life banter is nothing but a drunken rant on how feeble love is and how much I want it. Minus the grammatical errors, spelling errors, incoherent sentences, illogical content, non neccessary english literary tools, it was a pretty good entry. ha.

Trickery

Love what a crazy thing. How we are all tricked into it's web of deciet and happiness. I state this because love is futile and certain. Why we pursue it when we know that it won't end to our death. Why we continue to love and endure it until it murks our thinking into things that are all not coninsiding with life. It narrows our views and creates situations where bliss and depression are not just interchangable but are independetnly connected. Love creates monsters of us all. In the sense that when we have we will obtain all things to keep it, for when you are without love you are wihtout yourself. LIfe is lonely but life is supposed to be lonely. Without all these considered with faith and the lord above, when you die you are dieing for yourself not anyone else, you are dieing your life and not anyone elses no connections needed if it they are present. I am finding out more and more that you can not count on anything other than yourself. People will inherently let you down because people dont inherently understant anyone other than themselves. I am no stranger to this, the people I let down in a day in staggering, just like everyone else. Life consists of letdowns and recoveries, oh how we can judge our life on the ability to recover from things. Accountability what an easy thing in life to discourage and discredit. How many people a day do we see push onto other that they themselve need to say and show that they are all fallible like all humans. So what does love mean. what does life mean. does it mean the ability to count on someone through faults and failures. does it mean knowing from the get go that that paticular someone will be there from the get go, or does it mean some sort of numbered equation of decimals and remainders till one fits the criteria of being an exception to the rule. if so how many get to reach that exception and how many reach that exception without the ohter party partaking. No matter what if love doesnt work out one part of the party will move on and the other part will stew, for no one will leave a relationship without have some sort of knowledge some sort of clue to easily moving on(having the next in line ready). Someone is going to feel hurt and remose. it's just the way love moves. creating wounds and us having the ability love learn from it, to heal it, to make it sting and stew on feeligns that will not push us any further in life than we can go with a negative atitude and cynical outlook.

This all stems from a friend of mine being in the situation where he can move on, and the other party will no doubitally stew, there are no such things as a commonlaw break up because if 2 people can agree to break up than they should by all means get married. For if they can agree on one major issue than the ins and outs of life and love should be cake to a bakery. And me in a situation all to familiar, where i put faith into people who dont deliver, where I let life and people run all over me, being too nice being too genial being too personable. Inevitably life will let you down, i.e. my ex after a month of me calling her every saturday said she would call me today ( but to what avail, she has moved on and let things go) and she never called. To what suprise, none. SOmeone likes me puts everthing they have into people, into the common knowledge of people will inherently do the best they can and put themselve last instead of first. Like I said though in the end it's just your life, so why not. Why not...beacuse life isn't about forgetting the past. It isnt' about being selfish and ruling out everything in life that can cause trouble or harm. Into tricking yourself that raw emotions are not important. We are all stuck between the unforgetable past and the unrelenting future. Each tugging at your emotions and soul. Each wanting you to pursue things that will not so much appease the present but soothe the parth/future, because the only thing real in life is the now, the everchanging now. Past creeps upon us too fast and the future is an endless amount of ideas flowing towards you unrelenting. Life is full of non linear equations, nothing is as easy as a square plus b square equals c squared. It's all actions and reactions, cause and effects. LIfe doesn't own anything to anyone yet it wont make deasl with anyone ithe3r. but life know swhen to play and card and when to move a pwan.

I end with this, that life can never be full of suprises bvecause if you open up your eyes than you can see the oceans blue adn the winds cut. but life has never made it easy to open up wide, when the wind blows and the sunshines and objects off in the far distant creates distress on thing left to do is squint your eys and move farward hoping that you trust life enough to not pull the land off your feet.

Music

If I did not have music, I do not know where I would be right now. Everyone in life has to obsess about things, wether you want to agree to it or not. Wether it be love, grudges, anger, movies, friends, beer, drugs, whatever. Life is not agreeable if you do not have something that can be the focal point of your life. Not as if everything in your life is determined by that thing you obsess over, that's called an addiction. I keep my life free of addiction, I do not need cruxes, I do not need things that rule my life, it's hard enough for me to keep my life straight I do not need something else pulling me in another direction. Obsessions are good. They give you something to look forward too. I obsess over intelligence. Not in the sense of a squared but b squared equals c squared. More along the life of keep in touch with the pulse of life, knowing as much as I can so I can not only participate in conversations but lead. Not only to look like I know what I am talking about but to have confidence in what I say. Music is the main part, it was independent movies last year and still for the most part is. Before movies and music, all I had was loss. I could obsess of loss, tracking my ex (not in the stalker way peeping out her window) but finding out if she was seeing anyone, and such. I call it personal mutilation as in the sense I know if I find out she's with someone it will hurt, like knowing she doesn't pick up the call from me. I know it will hurt but I pursue it anyway. I know thinking about my mom makes me feel like I have been cheated but sometimes I do think about it, and I do feel cheated. Doing all that doesn't accomplish anything and just creates non healing wounds. In the same sense I like to press Bruises on myself cause I find it amusing to see how big it can get. Except emotional bruises do not heal as easy as physical ones. All this to say that I have replaced all that non-sense a long while ago with keeping in touch with the pulse of life, trying my hardest to be interesting. Yet I keep feeling this resounding feeling of dejection lately. I feel like I'm not good enough for people, and when I do find someone I find all these details for me not to pursue it. I'm sabotaging myself, almost as if I want to feel hurt. Or maybe I just want to assure myself I can still feel.

Recreation.

Sometimes at work, when everything is flying at me a million miles an hour, and everything is bombarding my brain, and i have too little time to think about what is going on in my life and everyone elses, i get nervous. My brain creates this slow process of realizing things in my life that is not what i want, creating suspicions of situations that I would not want. It's like I have so little time to think about myself that the thoughts that do come out are the more important, prevelant ones in my life. I get so worked up about the feelings of growing up alone that my head starts to hurt and my stomach starts to ache, my body begins to feel weak and my self wants to shut down, because what good is a life if you can't share it. What good will be my life, if i'm stuck at walgreens for 50 years bossing kids around and getting let down. I get this feeling of what happens when the one you know what yours is gone, and theirs no chance of getting it back. I have always been a member of chance, a purserer of fate. A habitual hoper. Give me an inch and I'll take it a mile. I don't have an inch right now, all I have is an infinate amount of choices and limited amount of resources. A point of too many options and not enough certains. I want to be certain that I will enjoy life, I want to be certain that I will have someone there by my side, I want to be certain that everything I do right now is for that person I envision myself as 20 years from now. 10 years from now. 1 year from now. I do not want to work hard and fail. I do not want to grow up alone. Yet when I'm at work and having to deal with everyone's problems and not mine, mine get unsure and upsetting. I love life and all it's situations, but I loved life more when I had situations within some one dear. Life seems more determinable when you have someone on your team. Life can grow pretty daunting when you alone in the outfield.

I Suppose.

I don't understand today's mentality of being short sided. Of being narrow minded. It's like everyone has ownership, protection of what they think, to the point of cutting people down, belittling ideology. No can just say one thing about what they feel or think, without someone aiming for the knee-cap. Contradiction is that the way of life. Socrates says The Unexamined Life isn't worth living, what he didn't mean was to cut people down. To have obscure imagery. No one trully knows each other, I may have known your for 20 years or 20 minutes, but who you are is buried so far underneath that who I am to say you are not what you say. Granted I don't mean extremes to this. I don't mean if you walk up to me and say you have wings when you obviously don't. I mean the subtleties of life. The insignifcant but meaning full attributes that everyone feels. and needs to feel. I have spent my whole life (even before my mom passing away) of giving people the benefit of the doubt, and yes I know people can be inherently mean or downright evil, yet that might be a risk I take. I look for the good I don't dig out the bad. I can't escape this, I go to work and people constantly picking people apart for things that in reality to really matter to my or their lives. Even if they lied about how much money their husband makes, do I really care? I care enough that they said what they said because there is a reason they said it. Insecurities, uncertainties, I'm not immune to them, why should I feel the need call them out, or belittle them behind their backs. I respect the point of what they say, the inbetween the lines. Nobodies perfect. So what's the point of having skewed minds about each other. What is their to gain. You say you love pirates and you want to move to the ocean, well great, that's awesome, no matter if you get sea sickness or never been on a boat before.

Everyone has the right to feel what they feel as long as it doesn't affect other peoples right to feel what they feel. That is the most inherit thing in modern philosophy, and what governs us, and what should be the way we treat each other. Lindsay has really taught me more than she will ever know, cause she goes on and on about what she wants to do and what she wants to be, even if it changes every few minutes. Her point was that it's her life and she has the ability to do all that. I admit I use to say no you can't do that, and have a blunt attitude about it. Point being was that she feels what she feels, if she puts out a little bit of effort about what she feels than who am I to judge. If you show me a sign that you want to do this or be this or go there or feel this, than exactly.

I've just been so frustrated about people lately. I try my hardest to adapt myself to people. To act and say thing thats I would want to be done to myself. Than I do and there is no reciprocity. I hide my emotions but that doesn't mean I don't have them. Do I put a mask on sometimes and play the part, yeah. It's the political science and salesmen in me. I give everyone a fair chance in what they think. I use to feel protective of my ideas, of wanting people to match up to them, but now I look back at Lindsay and people I thought I knew, like Laura, no one is as clear cut in your mind as you think. I try not to pass judgements anymore extremely large judgements and small judgements, those are the ones who hurt the worse. I know it's hard to tell what someone feels, nearly impossible. I also know that when someone says something that I shouldn't always cut it down and dissect and give my contradictive opinion on it. There is just this strict feeling of being individuality with my generation. So individual that people don't want others to be individual, or go near there individuality. I did it too for a long time with Lindsay, I didn't want her near my music and books, and just general talk. Cause I felt like it was mine, and Lindsay did the same thing, that is why she was always changing what she thought and felt about the future. Fact of the matter is no one is that individual, everyone is unique but not individual. I've had a blog for almost 5 years now (granted it has been spread out between 3 sites) yet I don't call people blogging now adays following a trend, I call it people doing what they feel like they want to do, more people doesn't mean what it is, is now less. or they are but mere sheep, their just doing something they like, really simple as that. No want's to be part of an idea to be alone.

Sometimes I just don't get it. I keep telling my friends that you get out of life what you put in it. If your mean to people it'll seem like people are mean to you (if not just mean). If your depressed about life than life will be depressing. If you don't give people a chance than what chance do you have. If there is a problem in your life there are connections of you causing it. It's simple as that, I feel like girl's aren't into me and i'm afraid of them because I'm lonely and deep down I don't mind being lonely. even further I have issues with me being alone because my Mom dieing basically meant that i'm alone. I have ownership of it. The only difference is that I understand my problem and it in no way controls my life. If I wanted to get a date I could but right now I like sitting at home and listening to music. All this to say that people get the wrong ideas about each other so very often. and the reason is they take this idea and wrap the person around it, rather based on fact or fiction. Opinions don't matter, in the fact of having a life changing moment, but they do count if you put a lot of yourself in people. I try hard to be a man of geniality.

I'm just frustrated at life, because I'm frustrated at myself.