late

I'ts 5 and my eyes feel as if they've been open for a hundred years, i have to blink just to move them around. Lights off and wind in the backround. Why do I stay up this late. Slow thunder in the backround pacing the thoughts in my head. I can feel a thousand words creep down my arms yet fade away slowly before they can become real. I've come to realize many things. about myself. My pursuit of love. Whereabout and catalysts. The hardest part to find is one's starting point. The pursuit is enduring the end can be in sight. How it all began fades faster than an old man's shadow at the park. I know who I am, and I never try to be anything I'm not. To be real in this checklist life nowadays. Each year crawls and another check to add to the list. I feel deafening silent when i'm alone. My mind racing during a nothing hour. No one's life is harder than the next. No one's had it the worst. I'm not drunk. I'm not high. I'm only thinking. Maybe the worst opiate. Has the ability to make you feel on top of the world and bring back to the depths the next. But to think is to be alive. and to be alive is living.

I'm off of school this semester, a forced vacation. I can feel my mind melt. I need to learn, to be the sponge with this life. Understand that I might not get everything I want and thats ok. It's beyond medocrity, it's normal. It's how things are. I can do anything i want to do depending on my situation. I feel interesting though. or maybe thats me tired.

I wanna be on top of a roof right now. Feeling the wind and watching the clouds. Counting the rain drops and smile at is absurdity. Talking, smiling, laughing. Finding constellations and making up their story when it's unknown. Musing about life. Feeling like a raindrop. Hurdling towards the ground. 2 minutes maybe. well 70 years is 2 minutes in eternity. I want to feel the thunder. Hold someone close and feel a moment of alone. A moment where 2 people can be themselves. Can withgo societies restraints. Parents control. Ambitions and anxiety. Laying back on the shingles with that someones head listening to your heart beat. Feeling that thunder. that warmth. Hazards of a vivid imagination. Hazards of feeling too much and stay up late.

Pipe dreams. Never gonna happens. Lost ambitions and unrealized potential. Vocabulary of the modern soul. All is not lost and that is not meant to be depressing. It's a thinkers caution. It's a dreamers caution. Imagination can bring about anything, it's amazing. Reality is not so bending. Which is why when dreams to come true, it means so much more. I like movies. It's a dream you can watch, good movies that is. It's a dream taking shape. Getting lost in it and feeling those emotions. Pictures for the soul.

I have this poster. Above my bed. or the contents that use to be my bed now merely a matress. It's my heart jumping out my chest and exploding on the wall, showing everything i feel and dream and hope. It's a boat ride in a familiar place long forgotten. It's the sun dipping below the sea, hiding it's face in the blinding love. It's a wind blown hair and a guys nervous shy look. It's a woman's smile and her wandering thought. It's a moment that may never happen but is alive. Worth hoping for. It's giving love a chance with all the anxiety of the future. It's a moment worth more than the unseen future. It's a moment worth dreaming about. Worth thinking about. Worth living for. Worth dieing for. Love is always in the present. I'm a romantist. I am who I am.

A dreamer. Stay up late to dream hard. Occupation of a modern day philosopher. That's how it goes and thats how it is. It's not bad I like it. It gives me hope in everything. It makes me see the good beyond the bad. Makes me see character not personality. soul not body. It lets me on the roof top. counting raindrops. following clouds into the distance. feeling the breath of a loved one. close my eyes and taste the rain. holding their hand and never letting go. moments where a thousand words could be said. but nothing would do its justice.

Sooo....

so that last entry might of been a little sloppy, it might of been a bit outhere, a bit un nerved and a bit honest

thats what it takes in life, an open honesty to yourself...everyone thinks of suicide once in their life, it's a fact of mortality, its an idea of finite...we are predestined to not understand what it means to die, so who isn't going to think to themselves of the most ultimate power, of that most undeniable truth, that i can control my own death, that i can take it out of everyone elses hands and put it in mine. It's life but its your life. It's death but it is your death. It's cowardace and weak, vial and dirty, yet there is no greater power than the power of deciding when you are going to die.

Sometimes it takes to be sloppy, its important to understand that life is unbearable at a point that life is unmistakeable that life will kick you in the throat and ask what your name is. only short breaths and a feigned attempt at words will come out. It's an honesty many wont condider and many wont confront. Theres a certain rebirth that comes from understand your own mortality. Of letting people know that you could go right now and it would feel better, it would only feel better because you would no longer feel. Like the absence of a thought.

It's stress at its worst and really at its best. It's all these things berating at your mind. making it numb and unwilling. I'm not afraid though, I have thought of such things and I am more human because of it. I am more feeling due to it. The moment you realize I want to kill yourself is only beat by the moment following that says I am in control. I am in just as much control over my death as I am in my life. As much as I can take a gun and blow my brains, i can suck it up and accept she may not love me, she is already dead, school is hard, work is hard, stress is too much. For when that bullet enter your brains there is no turning back. The moment you accept that your life is in your hands there is no back to turn. Only the horizon of the future to walk towards and the path that you decide to take.

I feel better because of an entry like the last. To put what was brewing inside of me and lay it out there in print. Tangible words for intangible feelings. Something i can read and remember, remember in the past. A past that is growing further and further away after every passing moment. I know life isn't as hard as it seems but i know that my mind will never be able to grasp that. You will always feel the kick to the stomach more than a kiss. But that feel though more inducing is just temporary. The kiss is a memory of lasting.

There is a point to it all and plan. I feel better. I know I am human. and mistakes is the game we all play. It's a learning process and i'm ready for it. I guess i needed to write that entry. I'm sure it scared some of you, worried the others, confused the rest. but i'm ok really. soemtimes a little lonely. sometimes a little worried. pensive. just got to take control of where i wanna go. now is the time do it. and i think i will.

how many...

who has thought of suicide who has thought of on comming traffic correening ionto you blasting your brains all over the wind shekld wondering who would mourn for you wondering what is the whole pont of this sometime this late at night this dunk this wonderment of who i am of who i should be of who i am of who i should be of who i am and who i am really

n othing. an afterthought i called 3 pwoplw answers by none an agfter though really just an after thought a blink of an eye like a homelesss person a street walked except that i have a home to sleep in bnut no home of the heart which is worse really


seolmteimte whent there is no one to talk toyo0ur by yourself i'm always by myself during the afternoon during the hieght of businness at mystore i'm by myself. sometime i just hate where i'm at. hate it. to death. e3q5h. death. whats the point of it all. to feel the b urning tears down my cheeek to feel the humanity of it all running down my n4eck to understant that i will never get out f life what i deserve to understand that i will never get out of oollife what i want. who wants what why wants what. i udnerstarntd all too welllllll that i'm dead. that no onews knows it including myself that i am dead. no more feeling left in me. an empty shell of a person. far to gone to realize what i had have to have. because i don have much i have m myind buyt where does it get me

no where just runnin hot tears down my cheeks and an outlook that is b leaker than space itself

i should close my eyes and hnope for the best wondering what will bring me nbect. i know what w will come the same that has always come heart break and fucking wondering ment heart break and wonderment. tears hot as hoil tears as hot as the tempoer of a thousand angry parents tears as hot as an austsust day but to what...

to me wanteing to be dead. to mea having no reason to live to me wonderingt what is the point of it all obviously not to be my f4riend obviously not to be mny boyfrend obviously not for me to care at all...

obviously for me to die... for a fiegn death that acknoldledges the hyumanity of it all to know that i lived for the reason of love and that love has no chance in this world. that no one owes me any love at all. that i am mearly a person that beaqrs no witness to humanity only external feelings that mean more than a penny slot at a casino.

for once there trllly is no one for me my mom is long dead and she is the only one who understood who brought ou tthe best in me who knew who i am

and she is gone

juist like me


hoping oncoming traffic correens into me hoping that i die a painless swiftless death hopingf that maybe iun my afterlife someone loves me that someone realixes that i am worth a damn but im not

and thatsok it really is. i am only as good as i can be and obviously that isnt good enough... maybe someone else can do better thab me maybe somone else can understand what is going on
all i know is that sometimes when i walk down that trail of dust and dirt i hope to not return from it hope to not besiecve from it hopeffully not toi fain the full fornce of it hopefully to sweep by it and under stand that i am not worth all that i think i am and that sometimnes

\just sometimes

...

i am worth more dead than alive

and that maybe that car

on the opposite side of the free way understands it too that hs life is meant to end mine

te sunffer8ing. the painn. the enduring the fuckingf solitude of it all
t eh fucking linstany hightshoes the emmallee the s adraines the all of it the paint that is unfair and im balanced of it

why not die die young and live full maybe 8i'fve fone all i can who knows i know the earth doesnt know and tthat no one cares

goodbye

The Pinnacle

The apex of it all. What does it all mean. Who cares really.

Lay it all out there on the line. Leave it for the air to toss, wind to move. Let it breathe in and suffocate the insides, confounding your heart and mesmorizing the mind. Ideas of never ending realities conjured from that air, that artificial self created beyond the mind, enamored in the soul, berated by things of want and desire. brought down by the realities of it all. physical tangible involved. The path ahead of you is how you made it. The rocks, the guises, the twists and follys. Process of that battle that is within everyone. Your life creed and creedo. How you live and why you live it. It's as dark as a place as you want it. darker than a cave at night with your eyes closed. darker than the dreams that you can't remember. Darker than the untouched parts of your being.

But whose to say what your doing. Isnt any action just a reaction. Is there any true cause. Is every cause and matter of effect. Is anything i do solitary to the point. Point where I am acting solely upon that act. Stand up be original and know that what I am doing is what I want to do.


All this cryptic talk of the heart. and its happenings. Maybe i need to be less of a wordsmith and just shed the humanity that i am feeling. To write about what I am feeling in its honesty. For the longest time i have convinced myself that I'm confused. Never really sure if I'm happy or sad. Alive or depressed. like lillie pad i'm just jumping from one to another. pursueing the thoughts of better lives. as for now...yeah as for now. I'm frustrated.

Frustrated how things can seem so good but yet I feel so torn. I can see the road infront of me but no idea where it goes. I'm dragging my foot along. why. why must I feel like i'm being chastised. why must I feel like i'm being held down, pushed back, cut short. I feel as if things I love must disappear from me. Friends, family, girls, loved ones. Fade away. Nothing in life seems forever. I'm going to say it, 2006 what a complete shit of a year. Everything I wanted came back to throw up in my face. Everything i wanted to accomplish went down the shitter. School, love, music, family blew up in my face. and me forgetting to wear my safety gear. putting my heart out on the line too willing to get hurt too willing to forgoe all the precautionary efforts. a daredevil humanist. watch tim jump over burning cars and fall in love with a girl out of his league. watch him tame a lion and recieve nothing on his birthday...than push it further to christmas too. not for the weak of heart and the ease of faint. watch his dreams get dashed and push ahead. a product of his own philandering.

I know my fate. I know my ending. Is it the product of my intentions or the product of my enviroment. Doomed for loves lost because well i'm the one whose losing. but like i said its all a game of reactions and i've had practice. I know what to expect, i know what to do to hold on to to hope for to feel for pastuering for things i know.

so heres to say this. My love feels expendable because i feel that way. That inbetween guy. The person at ease to like but just at ease to know there is something better. I guess that doesnt make me a bad person or anything along those lines. I accept my fate. There is something better than tim zimm for most. I'm not sure really not anymore. but who cares really. at this point. how has being observant gotten to me.

I'm ok. with whatever happens. i can hold my chest up. keep walking. I understand that sometimes the sour is great and drowning. the bitter is immense and over beaing. lyrics to a song, words to a sentence. fallibility of life is interesting. no one lives it perfect yet everyone tries. no one wanting what they need but getting whats in their path. layers of god. layers of god? Whose to say. Fate and the cycle. The id and the sub conscience. the who i am and the what i hate about him. Why I feel great except when thoughts of those appear. Reactions to undersirablness. Reactions to loss. Reaction to my nihilist approach. Absent emotion and lackadasical approach. Is it time to turn things up. To grab it all in my fist. To realize that it is my path i'm on. and up to me how i cross it. To take responsibility for my life. I understand trust me. When does the line change from emotion to bitching. Who has the right to bitch. Why let unpleasantness ruin. When did i get so afraid of sucess. Ambitions swept away. Letting exterior motives run my interior directives.

that's life though. only as tough as you make it. only thing you can trully control is your attitude. all else is the weather. i can make it rain no more than i can make someone love me. make someone want me. make someone understand me. guess that is the beauty in it all. The damp of the soil and the mist of the grass. Drops on a leaf and smile of a stranger. smell of familiar and the feel of love. it all swirls and swoops like the breeze on a summer day. no longer to die than to blow. all life is a stack of papers blowing the in the wind. sliding across the ground dependent on the wind the sky the clouds the moon the sun the stars moving up towards the sky and floating back down to the earth, solid ground. reality. the rubbed eyes of morning splendor.

Stance...

what to say about the recent going ons. about mixed emotions. confused reactions. and everything in between.

muddled middle dirty days. what is the end that i am on.

replaceable. how easy we are. how much convienance plays a role in our life. how easily we change just for the act of convienance. how much we don't like difference. when did same become so admirable. i know who i am. and i may be in no way perfect but i like who i am.

i'm not sure whats going on. i guess growing up. becomes an ease to erase that which we don't find important. like pictures of a digital camera.

i'm giving things a shot. kickin around my heart. realizing that in the end it'll be me. only I. we are never destined to get the things we desire. only that which we need. but whos to say what I need. i dont think god has an idea.

massive amounts of inferiority complexes I welcome you.

since your already here and made yourself home.

let me buy you a drink and drown in unforseeable seas

far off dreams.