interesting

that blog was literally written minutes before i passed out, ah i love the raw emotions and terribly spelling and syntax.

i'm feeling in the mood to write some john keats style love letters who wants one?

weird

i dont even remember writing that post last night

Sometimes....

when you come gome drunk alone all you can do is think about yhwhat you had and wjat hyou couldhave. I realize all the stuff i coul have and iut makes me t hink

for one i hate being alone or sure!!!!!

for 2 i hate being alone i reallyh do love is to be shared.
buit what is there to do i guess other thn take waht life gives yhou. and live gives me chaces

fucki it blue eues do me in everyhtime and the only wish i have is too look blue eues in th eyes untill i fall asleep remembering the great i confce i had and th3e fuckin demoished i do have...

fuck it whats the point other tahn remembver ing once was pne mine b ut now anymore.

Fluster(red).

I'm disappointed. In people. In family. In love. In hope.

My family's attempt at a birthday party was unsuccessful. Everyone shows up late, none caring. No cards to hand over, no second thoughts to make. A hand shake and a dusty smile. Personal life prying and prejudices abound. When did everyone's life become more important than others. A single card from my dad. A week late. A weak late. Coconut on the cake explains it all. Personal agendas and self ideas will overshadow the rest. I hate coconut. They said it was my mom's job to remember those things. Than what's the point of celebrating. No phone calls. No stops by my job, well other than my sister. How feeble is it that she's the only one who made an action. I wonder to myself why have I become a stranger in the house I've grown up in, realization is the dreams you don't remember in the morning. Happy Birthday, a celebration, a fiesta...a fiasco. I play it off like an actor forgetting his lines. Oh no worries, I don't care, no big deal. I'm not that callous to shrug off remembering. No one wants to be shadow. It was my mom's job...I laugh, because it's true. Being Understood isn't half as important as being noticed I guess. Who's fading who. Is there fault to blame. Who can blame fault. I see underneath it all, the love they have what and what they won't do. The same scenario with the same ending. Alone, shadowed, confused. Friends are the close family I once had. No one's fault really.

Life is never really as bad as words. But they hurt the same way. You get what you give. There is no balance. She's the type of girl that makes you remember what love was once like. The encompassing love. The verb, the action. There is no capitalization. We are all products of our environment, shaped by our surroundings, steadfast by our beliefs. Sometimes it takes a real good looking at someone else's beliefs to understand your own. Faith is an important thing.

I don't know where I'm going just as much as I can't really know where I've been. It's weird how the mind can develop a story with brief moments of experience. The catch of a glimpse, flick of a smile, subtleness of a kiss, the warmth of the future cooled by the relics of the past, making the present bearable. I have a vivid imagination it might get the better of me sometimes but I'll choose this before I choose that. That is not important.

I don't pretend to understand people, I try not to hold anyone to a moral stand point. I do the best that I can. and really that is all anyone can do in the brief time we have here. To make mistakes, to fall, to hurt, to imagine, to seek, to solemn, to know, to forget, to naive. I love people and I love the infallibility of them and I don't judge, I don't prejudice, I may be more religious then the religious. I turn the other cheek and move forward. No grudges, no bitterness. Only love. Love for the family who doesn't succeed at a birthday party, love for the friends who don't know what to do, love for the people who have hurt me, love for the people who might not love me back. I put a little bit of my soul in everyone I know. Because I don't want to just touch people, I want to leave an imprint, a piece of me so that I can rejoice in the happy and help the burden of sad. This is all theory, hypothesis of the playing of my life. You can't test a test. You can only test your heart, and know what you can do. what your willing to do, what your willing to not do. Than what you do and sometimes more important what you not do.

No answers. No form. No idea. The mind on paper is letters confused with each other. Don't be the pot calling the tea kettle black.

Hardest thing to go up against in life is reality. I have faith in love. I understand my reality. A few things I can take home is the few things I cherish. Blue eyes are like the waves crashing against the beach never too sure if your eroding it or producing it, only the present is known and all that is needed to be known, the beauty of the blue wave and the ability to get lost in it's gaze.

Birthday Blessings?!?

As it is today, I'm a score plus 2. 22 almost a pointless age, beginnings of adulthood has already occurred, yet not quite fully an adult, (though I feel like I am)

22 years eh, 22 years is a long time, I can remember thinking how far off it seemed to be, yet now I confront it like a bear charging it's prey. 22 years has show me a lot seen plenty and felt everything.

so how about 22 things about my life that have shaped or are important to me. I remember all sorts of things in my life, digging through the churches youth closer for posters, pretending to be sick to stay at home, being sick way too much in middle school. Family Vacation to the Oregon Trail, and the education nerdiness of our family (the thing I miss the most except me and tom do it often)

church on Sundays with the family, Christmas eve with my extended family and handing out presents. The uncomfortablness of middle school, to the coming out of my shell of high school. Loves and Loves lost. Natalie the untouchable beauty of 5th grade to the undeniable beauty of Waco and biola. Ideas and emotions circulating and circumventing. Best friends never go away.
Death is a common enough theme in my family, from my grandpa in 5th grade to my mom my senior year. Going to work with her and reading books. Doing reports for fun and memorizing the bible. Christmas' in Iowa and 4th of July at my uncles. Life is a firework. And Christmas morning. A trip to a happy ending. The trip is pointless but the finality explains it all, the smile of a good present or the colors flashing in your eyes from a firework.

Tears, and smiles, fear and loathing (not in Las Vegas though), Garth brooks and Michael Jackson to sufjan stevens. Broken arm from football and ruined ankles from ...walking ha. Ninja turtles and ghostbusters to myspace and xanga. A summer away and 21 at home. Trips to Barnes and nobles with good conversations a bound.

So many things have occurred in 22 years to shape my life and mold me into who I am today. When I look back I see sadness but more importantly I see the exuberance I have about life. Mysteries to not be unfoiled but adventures a plenty. I have many many memories with my mom, I was a mamma's boy. So many happy enjoyable than in the end everything changed. It's all sad and unplanned but so are the reprocutions of life.

I have garnered my traits from these past years, my unrelenting love. I put my heart into everyone, maybe why I get sad sometimes. I have faith in people. I don't just love out of neccessisity but necessarily. I'm prepared to get my feelings hurt. I accept responsibility to the life choices I make. I am murked in hope. Hope for the best. of my life. of your life. of the after life. I hope things work out. Hope is strong because it is unrelenting. In the face of daunting fear, hope is the only guiding light and I will follow it into the dark.

In 22 years I have become a person involved in the wrong decade. An old school romantic, a beatnik poet, a torn humanist, a theological whirlpool. A man in the 50's searching for the idea of love. Finding only life, and that life is love.

In 22 years I have transformed into an adult version of myself as a kid. A tolerant, nice, respectful, sharp, witty, weirdo, only looking for love and hope. Treating people like they should be treating, and showing girls that they are worth it. You are worth every tear, every thought, every dollar, every opened door, every sneaky kiss, every slight smile, and every ounce of my soul. Everything my mom taught me. Everything my dad showed me. Everything my sister needs, and everything my brother does.

22 years may have caused everything in the world or nothing at all. I may be only as real as the thoughts thought about me. Only as real as the experiences i've felt. real as the blood i've shed. I accept these 22 years as a testament to where a life can lead. That testament is I would do anything for you. You.

I'm happy about my life, it's not the best by no means, theres pain and hardship, love pains, and hurt...but i'm doing the best i can with the hand that was dealt me. and I wouldnt want it any other way.

My middle school band director told me something that really has stuck with me ever since, i was fixing something in the band library and she walked in and said Tim one day you'll make a good husband. If your a good husband than your a good person. If your a good person than what does it matter the stuff you have done and the shit you have felt. I'm really only here to be the best person I know I can be. Sacrafice is part of the game. And a good strategy to winning.

I may have muddled views on religion, i may have question about the unquestionable, i may ask about the ways of life, and the meaning of it all, but i think the core of it all is am I a good person. 22 years of life has given me many chances some i failed other passed, I feel I'm a good person.

22 years can be summed up the last 6. Tragedy of my mom's death with the knowledge of true love. Love lost and soul gained. and It all adds up to this

Life is only as important as the people you share it with.


thank you.

even more thank you (you know who)(yes you)


^ambiguous yes.

Wonderment

You ever get so down on yourself that you can't think straight. My biggest fear is being a failure, yet i wonder how i'm not going to be. I have so many issues that never gets taken care of.

i just miss having someone to talk to. there's so much going on in my soul. stuff i need to talk about but can't, who to. who'll listen with intent. this is not stuff for for the meak but for someone who means something. I'm a loner, I accept that. Except I'm a loner looking for a place to feel wanted. I had my mom and I had lindsay. Now I have this journal. it's not the same.

Realism.

reality is the girls i'm destined to have the strongest feelings for, to feel the most for, to understand the most for, to ache the most for, to want the most for, to need the more for, to love for...they will always be out of my reach, like a star in the sky distance is just the space of time between us. And in a life where time is valuable who wants to test love and waste time. Gambler is the fool hearty. Fail safe is the life of a sheltered heart destined to receive and not give. How the heart grows founder when it hurts. Heart brake is only the measure of how much the heart will love. The way of life, that is a tragedy of bliss. So along I move, pushing past emotionless adventures peddling feelings like worn roses on the highway.

dedicated to an unnamed person
whom bonds hold true
and words
oh words. speaking volumes
conversations a bound, a plenty
convsersations act like the activities of close friends
as close as close can be as close can be can be.
distance is the game of lovers
relationships brought up on the ingenious of the
never saw it coming
but felt it alive.

An Extension

i guess i just feel alone, and today especially. who do you look for when theres no one around. i'll take solace in the fact that tomorrow will be the same as today, and the day after that. repitition is the laws of nature.


i'm a spectator in the sport of life destined to live behind the glass.

I'm just a window shopper, doomed to a life of seeing what i want but not being able to afford it. there's always something about me, there has to be. it has to be my fault. i'm out of touch with my conscieness. i'm reduced to instincts and reactions. I guess sometimes, i guess really all the time, I dont understand myself.

sometimes i just dont like my life.

a truth.

fuck it. what's the point.

Asleep

Somtimes I feel like i'm sleeping and I'm waiting for some to wake me up.

2 days will be 4 years since my mom's death.

someoen wake me up.

Punctual

It'll be my mom's death anniversary in a few days, followed by my birthday the next week, what i weird setting.

i was planning to write something insightful but on the account of homeworks and a few beers, i'm just not in the mood, i just want sleep. and not the eternal kind.

Right now i feel like i'm in the waiting room of life, so many waiting to happen I just want something to happen. I've done the causes, now i want the effects. (preferbly the effects that agree with my life)

what to do when you a man in love with so many things.