random musing

so here i am almost nearing the end of october. Work has gone into over drive, I love my store but i know i will never get promoted there. I feel like i'm stuck in a waiting room I'm good enough to do it I have the energy to do it but i know patience wins all.

I have become so tired lately. It must be the weather. I love the rain. i love the clouds. I love the wind.

Nothing makes me feel more alive, as when I walk to my store in the morning when downtown is still and dark, dark clouds running across the sky and the wind blowing my jacked up in the air. Cool air brushing past my face. Who needs coffee when I get to wake up to that. There's a movie with robin williams about heaven and it shows it as whatever your favorite thing in life is. I would hope it would be something involving my family but that morning walk means so much. Everything is moving its good to know that I am but a mere part of a part in the machine of life.

I love feeling human, I like the idea of starting a day. Endless possiblities abound.

I know that was one of my wishes just for it to sprinkle every morning. And i know i go on and on about this but

driving with the windows down wind blowing droplets splashing on my arm an owl city on a death cab song on a postal service passion pit grizzly bear it brings me alive something about that helps me realize that all i have is today. Today this moment is certain and that this may be all I have.


I like moments in life where you can be out of body. The moments where you can say I can't believe...

i had one once, when i got alcohol poisoning in NYC, I remember being outside myself thinkings why did I do this i'm smarter than this this is not good than nothing until waking up in a hospital bed.

I laugh about that now, it's become an anectode for my life. But at that moment i knew it was serious. But it takes moments like that to remind you that in a single gust life can move you in a total different direction


Today my life is nothing as it were to seem a few years ago. Family married hardcore job bills
everything my dad had to deal with. Its amazing how roles are reversed. But that is the natural progression in life. Every step has some financial burden to it.

It takes those moments to awaken you, its amazing how we take life for granted.
I like today even if i'm tired of today. I dont have to treat today like a present just present today like a present.


The days get harder. but that goes along with getting old. Its get worse before it gets better. I'm not a firm believer in that. Everyday just gets better its just a slow slow arch.

The things I enjoy stay constant. and how could things be worse when I have good music and people who love me. People spend their whole lives look for one or the other, i'm blessed to know both.


I know the days feel lonely, and friends are harder to find than a cold day in florida. Friendships don't matter only the bonds that were created. There is no pre determined number of things that has to happen to maintain a friendship. Once the bond is there it's there. And nothing can change that it has no time line. or expiration date. As long as there is memories and dreams fondness and appreciation it can surpass your hearts beat. The bonds i know have held true and mold the passions i have of life.

What this is all about I dont know. But somethines its good to remember your stream of conscience

In a related matter I sometimes wonder what the people who have impacted my life are doing right now. and if I ever cross their mind. Would it be a fleeting thought or a ponderorous one

I wish...

I wish lots of things everyday, every other thought if not sex involves a wish. From trivial things like a unnecessary conversation to catching a light to reading a mind. When you wish for something it's almost as if saying you are ungrateful for the life you have. Life is not perfect but it should be suffice. Every time I get in my car at night as dark is the night is as wide is my mind. There are so many things that without even realizing it, thinking about it, or noticing it I wish for something else something better something different something new something old something to occur. But there are no I wishes. Just this is'es. Just the situation you are in when you wish. But like everything else it's the outcome that matters more than the input.


I wish my window would roll down.
I wish I could pay my bills.
I wish I had more comfortable shoes.
I wish I was 25 pounds lighter.
I wish I was more attractive.
I wish my hair could be tames.
I wish it would rain cold drops on me every morning.
I wish I could drive all night and not get tired.
I wish there was a soundtrack to my life.
I wish I didn't want so many things.
I wish my job didn't occupy so much of my life.
I wish I had my friends back.
I wish there were more hookah conversations.
I wish for one more kiss in the rain.
I wish I had another chance.
I wish I lived in NYC.
I wish I could write like JD Salinger.
I wish I could play Piano.
I really wish I could play piano.
I wish I could replay some of my dreams.
I wish i could replay some memories as dreams.
I wish I wasn't afraid to climb down ladders.
I wish I could get really drunk one more time.
I wish I taught philosophy in a high school.
I wish I could have a cup of coffee with out gagging.
I wish I could have a cup of coffee with my high school sweetheart.
I wish my brother would act like a brother.
I wish my family was much closer.
I wish my hadn't died of cancer.
I wish I didn't ignore the fact my mom died of cancer.
I wish I didn't have some memories of my mom dieing of cancer.
I wish Adriane could see things from my eyes.
I wish I was a better basketball player.
I wish I wasn't so nervous.
I wish it was winter already.
I wish I never went to my summer internship in Alabama.
I wish I could be invisible.
I wish I didn't put others in front of me all the time.
I wish friends would betray me.
I wish I could drive to Waco and meet up with an old friend.
I wish I could spend Christmas day playing in the snow at Washington square park.
I wish I didn't have to wish for things to come true.


Thats what you get when you stay up too late in the dark. You get a mouthful of mindful.