Lonely.

It's a terrible feeling and we all know it. Some people we know it a little well. It really is amazing how easy it can be to feel lonely. I've never known it to be so hard just to go watch a movie. Just to go to the park. Just to be with someone and share life. Except I find myself here, sitting alone in my room. An occassion that has become more than that, but a requirement. Is this something I create on my own. Is this a situational suicide. Is it really up to me to make myself not feel utterly alone. Yes and No.

When did it become this hard. When did it occur when that I can ran down my phone list and call 2 out of 100 people. Is it relationships. Is it a causality of busy. Is it me pursueing this anti-social behavior. What it boils down to is the ease of taking for granted having someone in your life to be there. I have no one. Though I did have someone. I had many people. I had girls, guys, siblings, people. What happened. The eventualality of life did. Eventually things change, people move on, people find someone else. What has happened to me. I look back and I was in this situation an exact year ago. Is this a plague upon myself. Am I destined to become an old mizer. All I really want is a person to be with. Not necessarily a girl. Just that person I can call and say hey lets go see a movie. Life is too complicated for that anymore. If I call someone it has to go through the pipeline. Life has moved away from hanging out. Life has become that pusuit of that person to always hang out with.

All my friends have someone to be with. That pipeline. That situation that makes me the third wheel. That makes me look at their relationships and say they are so lucky or they don't even know how lucky they are. Do I want that knawing at my head. My life has boiled down to a series of reoccuring situations. I go to work. Come home. Listen to music. Surf the web. Watch a movie. Sleep. Repeat. Is that a life. That's nothing more than a spreadsheet of a life. Steps to get to the same place everyday. I'm becoming lost into the oblivion of lost thoughts and forgotten promises. If I moved away it would take days before anyone would notice. Weeks for that one person, maybe months. So I'm stuck here alone with my thoughts. A dangerous situation.

Am I boiling down to little obsessions of life. Everything I do becomes an obsessoinal routine. What i do at work, where I go on the internet, the thoughts in my head. Is it sane for a person to wonder if another person remembers them in their life. Is it sane for me to judge my life by the spotlight I have in another. I am not a star in anyone's life. There is no backround character, there is no curtain to close. I feel like the props in a box, whose only chance it is to shine, is to become the object of another person's life. I am just an Idea floating around people who know me. An untangible ghost. I have requirements to keep and if I don't maintain them the idea of me will get lost in the shuffle. In the abyss of life. With so much coming at everyone everyday everysecond what chance have I. Instead I will sit here in my own life. Comtemplating the next step. The next move to take. But there are no more cards to draw. I only have my own hand to play with. There is no cheating. Just play or fold. How often do I have to fold before I realize that you can't win at anything you don't try.

All I have left is my dreams and hopes. With the expectations of maybe one day acheiving them. Is it possible for one person to feel like they have so much to offer yet no one to offer it to. Doomed to a life of perpetual writing with nothing to achieve. I write what I feel becuase who else is out there who know's what I'm going through. With life full of problems what importance is mine to everyone. How miniscual of a problem to have in the context of everything. Loneliness. That has nothing on hunger. on being so poor you can afford clothes. How laughable is lonliness compared to cancer. Yet how odd lonliness can engulf your mind. How easily it makes you feel doomed and hopeless. How it can make a simple fact of not having someone to go the movies with feel like the end of the world. All it becomes is the end of a night. A night of one of many. Many more chances to do what I want.

Is it too much to ask for to have someone to belong to. To now carry the burden of your life by yourself. That's the great oppurtunity of having someone in your life, to share qurrals of your own life with. To lessen the weight on your shoulders. And I know that is what God is for. Yet there is something more physical more tangible in having that person there. To know you can feel that person in your arms. To hear their heartbeat. To be held. In a time when life has been dwindled down to so many problems how easy are they to overcome when at the end of the day there is someone on your side. How wonderful that feeling. You almost take for granted having that hand to hold. The comfort in that. All those emotions connected with love. How great is the power of love. And how great is the power in not having love. How easily it succumbs your life. The pessimism, the narror mindedness, the almost gone self worth and respect. How great is that power. The power to life someone up so high and knock them so far down.

At the end of the day all i have is this blog. This is the only thing i can comfort in. The only thing that I can open up to. Is that sad. or maybe unbelievable. or disconcerning to know that all I have at the end of the day is words. Words and words. How unambiguous is words, and how ambiguous is actions. I write all this to have something physical in my life. Too look at and read. And share. And how confirming it is that all I have is me. My words and me. That's life in it's most nude. Me and my own feelings. At the end of the day there is only one constant. That when I look in the mirror there will be me. That i am alive. That I have my own thoughts and emotions. My own attitude. My own burden and problems. Is it glorious or damning. Only the unwilling future will tell.

Relentless

So this is what life has come down to. A series of inevitabilities, only postponed by time. All I ever do is wait. Waiting for something to happen. For this metaphorically ephinany that says, This your life, take it, live it. It doesn't come though. Time still moves forward wether or not I want it to. Life has boiled down to work and people. and money. I have not much of any of those.

All I ever do is debate the cycle of life. I sit at home after work and stew about the day. It's a dangerous thing to be by yourself with nothing but your mind. It can be lonely.

I feel like I have so much to say. So many idea's popping in and out of my mind. Religion, People, Life, Death. Yet i have not a voice to speak of it. These things are in my head, and there is deep thought. So deep that I cannot reach it with my own mind. I feel these notions running around my mind so fast that there is no way I can keep up.

I may be becoming obsessed with nothing. It happens to me all the time. I come home and sit in my room and listen to music. I want to leave I want to go out I want to have fun. I can't. Is it my myself weighing me down. maybe the uneveness of the weather. perhaps just the weight of all these decisions blowing by in my life.

Have you ever just been ready to live. To wake up in the morning and know that this is your life and that's all you can do with it. but you can't. There are so many processes you have to pursue before that life begins. Before you can wake up and go to your career, to come home and talking with your love, to cook dinner for your kids. That all seems very old and unworthy, but at the same rate, there is a constant to that situation that makes me desire so much. To know you have this great job you get to go to everyday. To have this wonderful person to come home to, to sleep next to, to kiss at night and wake up to their eyes. That constant to know that at the end of the day your life will still be yours.

I am finding out more and more that constants aren't true. Merely an idea set up by the mind. To fool you into thinking life is safe. That everything will go as planned. I look around at my life and begin to wonder. Where did everythin go. Really. Not but a few years ago, I had everything. A wonderful family it come home to after school. A mom to comfort me. A girlfriend to talk to. So many friends around to make me feel safe. Money from the job I went to not very often. No bills to worry about. I stay away from using the word carefree, but in an essence alive. To have life so full, and to turn around and feel so empty. Empty doesn't neccessarily meaning bad. Empty as in there is so much room to fill that all you have left is hope. Hope that maybe some day that person, you just know will be the one, steals a look at you. That someday I can come home to my mom and dad. That someday I can call my friends and not have to worry about who hates who, who's making fun of who. Life isn't that easy anymore. It's all barrelled down to people attitudes and perceptions. The more I open my eyes the more I see people with negative attitudes, with perceptions that are bleak and damning. It makes me feel weird. I look around and I see people not actions. I try my hardest not to judge anyone. To turn the perverbial cheek. Accept someone as who they are, and not what people think they are. That's a rare quality. I am by no means bragging. For one that shouldn't be something to brag about it should be just a fact of nature for everyone. But life has gotten so cynical. and it's a shame.

I say all this cause I have so much free time. I called Lindsay after my first class. Partly because I just wanted so much someone to talk to, and partly because it was a force of habit. She called me back. We talked for a few minutes, she said she'd call me on tuesday, and it's thursday today. It's hard to swallow how someone cause push someone completely out of their life. But we all do it. I am as guilty as the next person. But I have never pushed a really good friend out of my life. and I never will.

Everything aside I just truly miss, having someone there at the end of the night. I don't anymore. At the end of the day, there is no real person for me to call. There is no real person for me to talk to. There will be no one to call me tomorrow wondering if i'm ok cause i didn't talk to them. No one to vent to. No one to hug. To feel. To touch. To emote. When I had a kid, that was my mom. She was the person I talked to all the time. We had the same personality. Smart, witty, and topical. She was that person in my life for many years. Until she had cancer. Than there was no one. I went to church everyday, went to work and school as much as I could. If you stay active there is less time to realize this. Than I had Lindsay, who replaced my mom almost immediatly. Not but a few months in our relationship, my mom passed. So I had Lindsay to feel belonging to. There is just so much to be said about having the idea of that one person always being there. That at the end of the day, you can count on that person to be there. But for me that has not been something I can count on. I am use to it, but not wanting it. Cause now I have no one. At the point in my life where I almost need someone. Not because I feel like my life sucks, but more along the lines of wanting something real.

It is unimportant to live your life by yourself. Cause you a speck of dust on a speck of dust on a speck of dust, in the context of the galaxy and the whole picture. Life is meant to be shared. Which is what I do. Chances are just limited today. On a good day I have Big Rob to hang out with or Brandon and Lindsey. That's just not the same as a Lindsay. Cause if I have a shitty day Lindsay can make me feel better and they can't. Lindsay can still make me feel better, and it's like a double edged sword. Cause it's a false feel better. It's my mind saying she misses you so much, she needs you in her life. She doesn't. and isn't. All you end up with is feeling bad cause you know she has that person in her life. and I don't. It's making me withdraw from many things. But that's the challenge's in life. and what make's life worth living.

To get knocked down and see if you can get up. Cause if you don't your not letting them win, your letting yourself lose. I try my best. and I am proud to say that. At the end of the day no matter how lonely I am I know who I am. and not too many people I know can say that. With everyone so fake now adays it's hard to know even if yourself is real. I am. I have felt raw emotions. I have pursued life. Trudged through the shit of life and I keep moving. I keep making decisions. No matter if their good ones or bad ones. If I keep moving there is not time to dwell on the cynicism of life.

I know I am a nice guy. I know I may not be the best car in the showroom, I may be the most reliable. At the end of the day, no matter how lonely, or hurt, or despondent I feel, I am alive and able bodied. To take tomorrow as a new challenge. As much as I want Lindsay back in my life, or my mom, or any girl I have to know that life only gives me what I need and not what I want. and that is a value people should remember.

Fucking Rant.

It's bullshit. That's what it comes down to. Fucking bullshit. I was doing so well. I was feeling good, i was looking around, I was trying to forget. I was fucking suceeding. Than you had to be beautiful. You had to touch me. You had to hold me and hug me. That's bullshit. Cause I love you and I always have. Right when I was so close to forgetting that I did. So close. You have never had this feeling. You have never been this human. This raw. The essence of pain and living. My heart shattered to a million pieces, every shard being sharper than the next. Raining down my stomach like the eternal fire of hell. Burning my insides, while leaving this spot on my chest. This part of my body where it's supposed to be full. Empty. Hollow. It broke so hard that it had to disappear.

I know. I can feel it. I see your eyes. I see you remembering that smell. I saw your head thinking outloud. Yelling at what it's like to feel loved. Remembering what it's like to love. Why are you so afraid of it. WHY? You say pain is the point when your the realist. I say fuck pain. Pain substitutes your life. It gives you reasons to feel sorry for yourself to brew on your own shit of a being. Love becomes real. Love makes you human. It makes you vunerable. Pain doesn't. Pain puts a guard up. Love breaks down your walls and allows every emotion to run through your body. Seering with delight, flailing with discouragement, wallowing in pain. Love is the way of living. You cannot live life successfully if you do not love. Family. Pets. Life. Or that one person you feel completes you. You complete me. I know that feeilngs is in you too. Your afraid though...you have always been afraid to live. Life is nothing but words to you. Intangible Inumerous amounts of empty goals and forsaken ideology. You give up to easy. That's the story of your life. Try to argue it with me, but I know you wont. Your smart enough to know.

But your not smart enough to know me. To know that it hurt so bad for you to answer that phone. For that phone being so important that I can wait. I say fuck that. Fuck that for what it is bullshit. I did not or do everything i do for you for you not to care for me. Go on living this sham of a life you call lindsay. Cause it's just bullshit. You broke my heart. Not by breaking up with me. Not by not being my friend. By pushing me aside when "your work" calls. I'm not dumb. Call it for what it is. I don't like to be put on the back burner. These new people this new life, they haven't been there with you. I am just so fucking pissed right now you have no idea. You have no idea for what it's like to not feel your heart. It's bullshit. It really is.

My heart hurts cause I feel sorry for you. As much as I want to I have no control over anyone else and their life. I could not help my mom survive, just like I can't force you to like me. And all that is just bullshit. I am real. I am here. Why not take the chance. You are so worried about conquering the world that you can't even know what's good for your own life.

That is the problem with girls in the twenties. And for the most part people in general. They are so wrapped up in their own individualistic self absorbed own life that they force feed themselves misery. It's like parents today have given up on making their children humble. Girls are never satisfied. You could have the whole steak infront of you and think about getting the chicken instead. Eat the steak it's good. You like it a lot. Why give up. People give up so easily. This whole notion of self pity is the realist a person can get. Misery makes you human. I'll say it once i'll say it again, this need to feel sorry for yourself it's contagioius, and a hard habit to kick.


There's smoke screen across people's souls nowadays, and no one knows how to live. You love. That is life. I'm just so fed up with things that it's ridiculous. Why try so hard when you get shit on the end. Why be a good person when everyone else is being so bad that it's impossible to suceed. Why be the nice guy. I'm only going to end up being last.

I know there is no possible way for me to control peoples lives, but you know what if I could it would be the best day this earth has seen. I'm not bragging. I just feel that there aren't too many good people left nowadays. Everyone is wrapped up in their own self to worry about others. So what's left. For those of us who do worry about other's we are left with a tired soul.

I don't understang you Lindsay. I really don't. You have given up on something great. You do it all the time. Love is the notion of life. Commitment is the path of life. It can either be bumpy or smooth.

I have spent my whole life putting Love on the top of my list. Placigg the value on Love so high. Believing that end the end Love will prevail. That I keep getting hurt. And it become's a cycle. Just like everything else in life.

Breaking Point

Everyone has a breaking point. No one is invicible, no one is superman, no one can just ignore that they have emotions. I'm a nice, calm guy. I'm that way cause whatever internal emotions i have stay that way. I push them down into the pit of my being. Everything that has happened to me my whole life that is displeasing, I drop it below, hoping for that magical thought. If I ignore it that it has to disappear. But things just don't disappear. Things fester. They get full and start becoming excess. How long can anyone go that way.

21 years. That's how long. I don't know what happened last night. I was in my own backseat of my own car, everything was ok. I was having fun. It was a great night. I was drunk and feeling good. The thought never occured to me that lindsay was prolly with a guy. Which was the thought dogging me before the party. Time clicked. Everything lined up. The point was hit and the gates were open. Life is full of moments where you can't control what's going on.

It was either the fact ryan was going to drive home really drunk. Was it becuase he was into hard drugs. Was it because I left my guard down. No one was there to watch these emotions. It happened. I just let go. Tears streamed out of my face down my eyes and fell into oblivion. Every shitty thing that has happened the past few years just came out. Not in words but in tears. Words come and go. They linger. They don't get rid of anything. They can be aknowledged but not taken or gotten rid of. Tears. They are physical. Tears is what the soul is made out of. Crying doesn't solve anything. Tears can. I let loose. Everything in me was coming out. I emptied my soul onto lindsey's pants. Into my hands. On the backs of my friends.

Why.

Why now. What happened. What's wrong. These are not only the things asked by people about me. But what I ask myself about me. My life is not bad. Things are not beyond repair. I've let a couple of things ruin everything. There's not point to it anymore. Am i fading. Slowly disapearing. Yeah. I am. But only to a few people. This is 2006. I have many more things waiting for me. I have to let the past be exactly what it is. Time that is dead. The only thing I can do is remember as a fleeting feeling and than move ahead. There was this saying during the summer of my internship that I loved.

If you keep one foot in the past and one foot into the future, all you do is piss on the present.

It's true. My biggest problem is I put people inside of me. I care too much. I want nothing but good things to happen. It just doesn't happen that way. I will learn. I can't control people. I can't force anyone to do something I think they should do. I can only control what I do. The only true constant in anyone's life is, who you are and what decisions you make. I will continue to make decisions that I believe is the right one. I will continue on with the path that is ahead of me.