Real

So, you say you love. but when I hear those words, all they become are words. Thoughts behind emotions behind words, makes them feel warm and real. Words uttered out of your mouth are but mere hollowed out emotions. You love me. How. I don't see it. Quite possibly it's invisible like the words you speak.

You do all this maybe for one reason, for you to feel sorry for yourself. You want to feel like your treating me like crap. You want to talk about how your torturing the poor soul of me to others. You want other people to feel sorry for you, to say I'm sorry you have to deal with this. You are an exhibitionist of your own demise. Should I play along. Should I feel contempt, sadness, alienation. Do I allow you to feel this. At first I think why not, everyone deserves the admiration of others, everyone needs to feel sorrow. But I am not game. This is not overtime. No one is having the game winning shot. No one is taking any glory, sad or happy. You keep pushing and i'll keep my distance. How far will you push before the is no more edge left.

I am a friend. Not only that I am a friend that has been around you for so long. Seen you at your worst, never gave up on you. Always had faith in you. Always wished the best for you. You accept these new friends. New is good. Life is full of changes and you have to roll with them. But remember at a time when you will be in trouble. I hope these new friends are there for you. Cause after there is no more edge there is no more return. You go out and have fun. You get drunk with these people. Let them take advantage of you. Let them use you up. Become an object. You fall ino that so many times. I will be fallilng. With no wings, there will be no help. I hope you see that this path your carving out is your own. And for all your Hopes and Aspirations that the only thing will come out of it is what you put into it. And if you keep wanting to feel these painful feelings. Than you may not be able to be where you want to be. More likely you will be where that guy you like will be. Old, workin at a dead end job, with no hopes and just drinking and being stupid. Why not. What else is there in life to do.

As a history major I know one thing, unless you learn from the past you are doomed to learn from it. And the best way to learn from the past is to keep it close. You have pushed everyone out of the way. I am the last bit of that. I am the bridge. I am the one who sticks up for you from everyone. I stick up for you. I hope you stick up for me. But why should you when I'm not new. I am just a part of that old self.

Think about all the criticism you get from people about me, and time that by ten and that what i get. Bullshit. That's all I have to say. I hope you feel sorry for yourself so atleast someone is getting something out of this.

Unrequinted Love

I find myself on the outside looking in. I was one a prominent member of your life or your family but a mere few weeks ago and now I'm on the backseat. With the rest of the life you believe is holding you back. When will you learn the only thing holding you back is the fact that you won't let anyone in your life. You say nothings changed, but maybe you're right. Maybe you are using me. I am familiar. I am safe. My feelings don't count cause you have moved on. You say your on a cycle where you don't want to hang out, but I know better. This is not a cycle but a chance. A chance to start the slow fade away. To disappear into the shadows of the sun. I have been here before I know what it looks like. You have blinded yourself with road blocks that you are trying everything to not succeed.

I see you. I hear from you. You say you have turned angry. You drink every night. You get drunk and forget about problems forget about life forget about everything except that euphoric feeling. It's temporary. When you wake up in the morning you haven't moved forward at all but moreso backwards. There is a point to drinking. A social identity that comes along with it. To be out with friends to forget about the plagues of life. It stops becoming an identity and to a stigmata. I have not known too many people who suceed in life by doing what they can to not try life. Just wait... till that night where drunk will turn into a mistake. A mistake that is not repairable. I hope it doesn't happen. and I really hope it's not on my watch. You keep trying to escape. You will only land in the same place.

I say all this cause I am mad at you. I am. It is not as easy as all or nothing. Yet it is as easy as Time and wether your willing to give it. And your not willing to give it to me. Maybe my time has ran it's course. Maybe it's time for me to run my course. That saddens me. I remember the lindsay I fell in love with. And not to be a cliche but cliche's have a point. That person is still in you. But you hold onto things that keep you down. Past relationships, faults, hurt feelings. You have to let go. I have to let go.

I am on my last leg. The last leaf. There isn't going to be much more. I can't give much more. I try so hard. I'm tired. I feel drained. I have learned a life lesson this past year. and it's just not from you but from everyone...no matter how much you stick up for someone or something, in the end things will run it's course and things will be how it is. No matter how many times i stuck up for cassie and keenan in the end things happened. and no matter how much I stick up for you and how your are important and great things will run its course. No matter how many times I said you were in this relationship for the long run you weren't.

Life comes down to this. What you want doesn't come and what you make fun of will happen. Life is situations to learn from, that means I am doomed for a life full of banging my head against the wall before i learn it hurts, as in the same as falling for you, Lindsay, I am just going to be hurt. Sadly I think in the end you are going to be the one who gets hurt. and before I go I will let you know it. I will tell you how things might happen. How everything you don't want will happen in due course. Cause it happens to everyone that way. That no matter how many times you say you don't want to be a housewife, if you don't do something to rectify the situation who knows.

My problem is I love too much. I put all my passion into things. Things exterior to my life. Tangible objects for the hand but not for the soul. That is something for me to deal with. I put everything into you and it failed. I put everything into Southwestern and it failed. I put everything into my mom for 17 years and it failed too. I put everything into my job and it too fails. What do I have left. Knowledge, willpower and faith. Three things in life that will push you to the brink of madness or happiness. Balance occurs in the grand scheme of things. Balance becomes the hardest theme to maintain. From the exterior all I have left is the shell of something rememorable.

Yet I look at you and I feel that feeling I have felt so many times before. It's a double edged sword it is. And I have cut my chest too many times. I have drawn blood too many times. I bleed and end up no further than where i started.

So in the end, you want to be my friend, but for what reason. The real reason is the same reason why couples get married, and for the most part have successful marriages. But you will keep looking for something better. Something you have done your whole life. The adventure something better. Maybe it's because I was forcefully humbled a few years ago that I have learned that sometimes there isn't anything better out there. That the best thing you have is right here. But you keep looking. and for the worst part is you now force me too look. And this is a feeling you have no idea on what it feels like. Like the feeling of hot blood in your mouth. It's something I don't want to do because why look when I have already found it. You can swallow 3 cups of the hot blood before getting sick and I'm getting there.

How much longer will I be around for you. Not long at all. In fact soon enough my things will be gone from your house. I will say my goodbyes. I will look into your blue eyes one last time and hold onto that feeling, that picture, that idea that once made us the happiest people on earth. I will remember you in the light you deserve and turn around close my eyes and walk the earth blind. Destined to stumble and fall, but my faith into life will keep me moving. Will I turn around to watch the destruction of Sodom and Gomora, will I turn around to remember what you feel like. Will I fall once again if you come back. Fates is the only one who controls the paths. Fate destined by God. And I will do what I do best, see the problem and take one step after another slowly until the life I will become, becomes.

Exsistence

What is there really left of me but a shell...nothing but a mere exsterior wondering what am i doing. And really what am I doing, i have no idea... I'm trying to live, but to live what... this life that seems like what i thought i'd be. Too much time left to think about my decisions, when did decisions determine my outcome, i remember a time where i could affix my mistakes. Now i'm left to brew over them wondering wether it's some i can overcome.

but at this point what can i overcome.