Departure.
So I'm going to depart from the normal philsophy schpills, complaining tangents and just general girl problems, to point out something i've noticed.
My sister, my brother and me are all single. It's not like we can't get someone to date, or find someone (well other than the sister). When my mom was alive all 3 of us has either been in or was in a relationship that lasted over 2 years. Not a year after she died we all were forced upon singlehood. None of us being the break upper but rather the breakee. Since than I have been the only one who has broughten a girl home (granted she was only my girl for a month)(Oh and my brother did date a columbian for a good while who ended up cheating on him who did meet the family). I was just pondering if this was some sort of subconscience mutilation we're bringing upon ourself, maybe some mental hold back that is deferring us away, or just complete coincidence.
My mom and dad were probably the most functional non-fighting people I've ever met. I don't have a memory of them fighting at all. Some bickerings about money but thats natural because money is what keeps us all alive. (in a sense) They put us before everything, brought us up with morality and humbleness. Even after time after time one of us fucked up bad, they were still there. Actually the only time I can even remember either of them yelling is when one of us fucked up bad. Which we did some more than others. ( i was an other.)
I say all this because all of us siblings have been close. My sister was engaged at one point, my brother lived with his girlfriend, and of course we all know my history with lindsay (read many of the past posts if you don't). And now I look at us siblings and all of us are back at home. (for many reasons though none of us are permanent.) (well other than my sister). We're single and as far as I know no real steady other in any of our lives. Don't get me wrong my brother has gotten around (haha) and I've done my fair share (haha) ....my sis probably not so much. (than again I don't delve that far into her life). It just makes me think has our mom's death given us a ridge to stand on. A rift that causes us to believe in the sanctity of lonely and the class of single. Does it go with knowing that there is no way we can match what our parents had. Does it go with us seeing the tragedy in our dad's face and not wanting to substitute that for us. Does it go with us having problems with love. In all actuality my family now has become state's in a country. We don't go into each others territory unless neccessary. Though me and my brother do have a good trade agreement. And the parent state does keep us financialy stable when debts can not be repayed. But it's all business. States of affairs. We're not dysfunctional really but we're also not the most personal of families. (but who is nowadays)
We never mention my mom's name to each other. Never talk about that year she had cancer. I've been to the grave once, Tom probably never. (except for the funeral of course) I have blogs to kind up spotlight my feelings but what do they have. Between all of us it's almost as if she never exsisted, that's not supposed to be mean (if you havent lost a parent than you can't really understand) Life just keeps rolling on and distance is the is the knife of time past. More distance less frequency. At least vocally. Tangibly. So has all this created a loves lost mentality for us. We project out what we feel, even if we don't know we feel it. Kind of an unknown life mechanism. Because life gives us what we need even if it's not what we want, those emotions we don't know but have, will be affixed upon our exsistence, will push us along in the cycle. I know all of us sibling doesn't want to be alone, frankly don't need to be alone. Yet something creates our situations (and who better to create our situations than us and our actions)
It's really interesting to take a step back and figure out life, because with all the theories with all the ideas synposis choices and aspects, it really comes down to a single person. sometimes a single action. that single person is you. that single action is live.
My sister, my brother and me are all single. It's not like we can't get someone to date, or find someone (well other than the sister). When my mom was alive all 3 of us has either been in or was in a relationship that lasted over 2 years. Not a year after she died we all were forced upon singlehood. None of us being the break upper but rather the breakee. Since than I have been the only one who has broughten a girl home (granted she was only my girl for a month)(Oh and my brother did date a columbian for a good while who ended up cheating on him who did meet the family). I was just pondering if this was some sort of subconscience mutilation we're bringing upon ourself, maybe some mental hold back that is deferring us away, or just complete coincidence.
My mom and dad were probably the most functional non-fighting people I've ever met. I don't have a memory of them fighting at all. Some bickerings about money but thats natural because money is what keeps us all alive. (in a sense) They put us before everything, brought us up with morality and humbleness. Even after time after time one of us fucked up bad, they were still there. Actually the only time I can even remember either of them yelling is when one of us fucked up bad. Which we did some more than others. ( i was an other.)
I say all this because all of us siblings have been close. My sister was engaged at one point, my brother lived with his girlfriend, and of course we all know my history with lindsay (read many of the past posts if you don't). And now I look at us siblings and all of us are back at home. (for many reasons though none of us are permanent.) (well other than my sister). We're single and as far as I know no real steady other in any of our lives. Don't get me wrong my brother has gotten around (haha) and I've done my fair share (haha) ....my sis probably not so much. (than again I don't delve that far into her life). It just makes me think has our mom's death given us a ridge to stand on. A rift that causes us to believe in the sanctity of lonely and the class of single. Does it go with knowing that there is no way we can match what our parents had. Does it go with us seeing the tragedy in our dad's face and not wanting to substitute that for us. Does it go with us having problems with love. In all actuality my family now has become state's in a country. We don't go into each others territory unless neccessary. Though me and my brother do have a good trade agreement. And the parent state does keep us financialy stable when debts can not be repayed. But it's all business. States of affairs. We're not dysfunctional really but we're also not the most personal of families. (but who is nowadays)
We never mention my mom's name to each other. Never talk about that year she had cancer. I've been to the grave once, Tom probably never. (except for the funeral of course) I have blogs to kind up spotlight my feelings but what do they have. Between all of us it's almost as if she never exsisted, that's not supposed to be mean (if you havent lost a parent than you can't really understand) Life just keeps rolling on and distance is the is the knife of time past. More distance less frequency. At least vocally. Tangibly. So has all this created a loves lost mentality for us. We project out what we feel, even if we don't know we feel it. Kind of an unknown life mechanism. Because life gives us what we need even if it's not what we want, those emotions we don't know but have, will be affixed upon our exsistence, will push us along in the cycle. I know all of us sibling doesn't want to be alone, frankly don't need to be alone. Yet something creates our situations (and who better to create our situations than us and our actions)
It's really interesting to take a step back and figure out life, because with all the theories with all the ideas synposis choices and aspects, it really comes down to a single person. sometimes a single action. that single person is you. that single action is live.
posted by Tim Zimm | 2:26 PM
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