A saying
I'm really starting to figure something out and as it may seen I am destined for lonely dark nights at the park with my ipod because... whatelse is there.
"I do not propose to write an ode to dejection, but to brag as lustily as chanticleer in the morning, standing on his roost, if only to wake my neighbors up." -- Thoreau
These past 3 years has callowed out my emotions to a point where why even try I already know the outcome before the start.
That's not even a joke, I have such a good tell on my people that I just know what will happen and why it will happen. With lindsay I knew she'd wrap me up real tight and leave me high and dry. With my friends I knew one day they would do something that I could not ignore. I knew my family would become business etiquette the second my mom died. I knew my mom would die. Really I called it in like 5th grade. Kinda morbid but I knew it for some reason. I also know that I'm frustrating. That I'm a masochist. One of my old manager use to call me a problem eater cause I have this habit of receiving a problem and just moving past it. Well I guess this whole time I forgot to look behind me cause I'm dragging. I'm slowing. Like the erossion of the grand canyon my aptitude is eroding. My ability to bounce back is jarring. I don't think my life is shitty or sucky by any means. I just think it's a mighty bit too lonely. I guess that's destiny. I guess that's what it must come down to. The modern day emotional Thoreau but instead of a forest I have a concrete jungle. Instead of rejecting society I'm rejecting it's reactions. We'll both reach self enlightenment, we're both self-aware, just in a world where I can't put my pants without seeing somebody it's hard to ignore human aspect towards anyone life.
I'm a fucking seer.
I remember thinking one day when I was walking the earth aimlessly in Alabama, that life is all about connections. That feeling you get when 2 souls from different backrounds, from different brought ups, different attitudes and different states in life are fused together for just one moment...everyone has them. Walking around and seeing somebody you've never seen before to gaze into the eyes. That connection is why we where we are today. We are born with thousands of years of prior knowledge, yet the single most important thing is the connection we make with one another. For no one person can be an island upon themself. That connection causes me to read people, and read people I do well. One thing is fallible though, our inherint idea to seek out happiness (within the realm of connections so to speak). We can have no idea what makes us happy because our defination of happy never stays constant. Our idea of good is different from the idea of good I had 5 minutes ago. Our eyes are decieving our brains and the brain is just going along for the ride. Happiness is only a word to express something that is so combustible that it is easy to label something we see as happy and good when if we just look at our blind spot we'd see. Alas I guess it's just so easy living in the blind spot, why see something when you can just accept it.
I guess I will join the masses and accept it. Accept that I will let my brain fill in that blind spot with what it thinks only for me to hit the steering wheel face first. Like a car with only front windows destined to miss the whole picture. But easy to forgot what we didn't see. I use to walk with blinders on, but not now. I find connections and take them with me cause if I'm going drag all this shit behind I atleast wanna remember why it was worth a try in the beginning.
These past 3 years has callowed out my emotions to a point where why even try I already know the outcome before the start.
That's not even a joke, I have such a good tell on my people that I just know what will happen and why it will happen. With lindsay I knew she'd wrap me up real tight and leave me high and dry. With my friends I knew one day they would do something that I could not ignore. I knew my family would become business etiquette the second my mom died. I knew my mom would die. Really I called it in like 5th grade. Kinda morbid but I knew it for some reason. I also know that I'm frustrating. That I'm a masochist. One of my old manager use to call me a problem eater cause I have this habit of receiving a problem and just moving past it. Well I guess this whole time I forgot to look behind me cause I'm dragging. I'm slowing. Like the erossion of the grand canyon my aptitude is eroding. My ability to bounce back is jarring. I don't think my life is shitty or sucky by any means. I just think it's a mighty bit too lonely. I guess that's destiny. I guess that's what it must come down to. The modern day emotional Thoreau but instead of a forest I have a concrete jungle. Instead of rejecting society I'm rejecting it's reactions. We'll both reach self enlightenment, we're both self-aware, just in a world where I can't put my pants without seeing somebody it's hard to ignore human aspect towards anyone life.
I'm a fucking seer.
I remember thinking one day when I was walking the earth aimlessly in Alabama, that life is all about connections. That feeling you get when 2 souls from different backrounds, from different brought ups, different attitudes and different states in life are fused together for just one moment...everyone has them. Walking around and seeing somebody you've never seen before to gaze into the eyes. That connection is why we where we are today. We are born with thousands of years of prior knowledge, yet the single most important thing is the connection we make with one another. For no one person can be an island upon themself. That connection causes me to read people, and read people I do well. One thing is fallible though, our inherint idea to seek out happiness (within the realm of connections so to speak). We can have no idea what makes us happy because our defination of happy never stays constant. Our idea of good is different from the idea of good I had 5 minutes ago. Our eyes are decieving our brains and the brain is just going along for the ride. Happiness is only a word to express something that is so combustible that it is easy to label something we see as happy and good when if we just look at our blind spot we'd see. Alas I guess it's just so easy living in the blind spot, why see something when you can just accept it.
I guess I will join the masses and accept it. Accept that I will let my brain fill in that blind spot with what it thinks only for me to hit the steering wheel face first. Like a car with only front windows destined to miss the whole picture. But easy to forgot what we didn't see. I use to walk with blinders on, but not now. I find connections and take them with me cause if I'm going drag all this shit behind I atleast wanna remember why it was worth a try in the beginning.
posted by Tim Zimm | 5:05 PM
2 Comments:
“People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.”
true maybe i need some help knocking them down.
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