A Letter.

So do you hate me, or just don't even care anymore. The fact that you don't feel the need to talk to me doesn't make my feelings of resentment, loss, discouragement go away. There's something demeaning with the cold shoulder, with the slow fade. The sun sets but it will rise again, knowing there will be no more rising is sad. I had told you that you would eventually tune me out, that it would not be something that you intended to do with malice and hate, just how the game of life plays out. But it is your ability to say goodbye. To say I'm at a point in my life where I don't need you around. Because you don't say that doesn't take away my feelings of being used, whether meant to or unintentional you were. It's funny how life slides in and out of ones ideas and bemusement's. It inherently gives you, puts you, shows you everything you believe you don't want/need. I have no hurt feelings along the lines of you pursuing what you want as the life that you foresee happiness, that's the goal in life. To breed situations that will lead to success. Life does need to appreciate the past to understand the present. Am I your past, hardly, but I do feel like I am owed maybe an apology, not even that. A simple thanks Tim I hope the best for you. Even if you don't feel it. I don't hate you and never will, because as hard as it may seem, I understand you. Sometimes more than you will yourself. It's like a present we gave to each other during our relationship, an understanding. I know what your doing is the best for me, and I do feel very much happy about my life right now. But obviously I have issues with loss and abandonment. I lost my mom, my girlfriend, and now my best friend. However unimportant they seem, I believe that they have bred the character in me now. I don't expect you to read this, for you haven't called me back, answered a simple text message, or shown any interest in I guess what you feel as reliving the past. I stick up for you to everyone, even if everyone is dwindling now. I'm sure you have done what you feel is the best, sometimes it's better to feel in someone elses shoes. When losing someone, granted in bad terms it's different, and it's in good feelings there is something to be said about saying goodbye and knowing that's what your hand was dealt. But to be sitting here with no dealer, things are not what they seem. I don't want to reconcile our friendship, I want a simple end. The ends defines the means. I don't want what we had to be left on the table to dry up and rot. I love you, in ways you won't ever understand, but more importantly as someone who impacted my life in the positive and whom I respect. Love the heart that hurts you, but never hurt the heart that loves you. I hope you do read this and I hope you understand the greatest power a person can have is having the ability to say goodbye.

Sincerely
Tim Zimm.













The funny thing is I really haven't thought about her in a long while, but today I hung out with one my couple friends and I was thinking. There has to be an end to everything. Finality is the fact of life. I feel like I deserve something rather than nothing. Too often do I lay down accept what's been thrown at me. Why should I put up a fight, why should I make a mess, why should I take a chance. I'm playing life too safe. Safe is not what I want, I want risks and failures, happiness and the chances it brings. I spend too much time keep the ocean calm, when the waves are what draws us to it anyway. The beast that is our life can not be locked up and hidden, for a safe life only breeds a life of unrealized dreams. I want to look back at my life not when I'm old but tomorrow, next week, in a month and say where I am today is because I took a chance and followed the waves, it doesn't matter where I end up just where I go after that. I spend too much time worrying about what could happen. Instead of what did happen. My biggest problem isn't my timing or bad luck, it's my inability assess. So now I'm stuck with wanting to be with Laura, missing what could of happened with Abby, and deploring my inaptitude. Realization is the password to a safe passage. Only when you realize where you are can you move in the right direction, my soul is the compass of my life I just need to figure out which way is north.