Alas,

So what am I supposed to do. Why do I feel so incompetent. Last night I just got this rush of sadness over me ( prolly cause I forgot my mom was dead for a brief moment). I walked to my car and just didn't understand. Than today after work I came straight home and just laid down and closed my eyes. There is nothing worse than sleeping and not dreaming. Life has become so boring my soul can't imagine anything. A product of my own creation. When did I become so Afraid of living. Why am I so nervous about the unnecessary things. Why do I feel so underserving of everything. Has the nice guy in me fully taken me over to the point where I deserve nothing and everyone deserves everything. Am I afraid of change. Well really who isn't. Status quo is life. It's sustainsion. Do I read too much into things than don't need reading at all. Have I replaced intution with indication. Is it cause I want to understand the things I'm not supposed to understand. Is it because I'm weary of idea that my life can and will get better. Likes it supposed to. Am I to think that it is just unbelievable that a beautiful girl has feelings for me. I have always said 18-23 is a rough time. So many things coming at you, so many things that are life changing, that are personal, that are important. Which one's do you take, which ones do you sacrafice. Life is about experiences and adventure. Respect and gratitude to those who do take chances and do things beyond the realm of our usual situations. Experiences are so key. I have this reknewed sense of self-esteem, that i owe so much to you. Life (i say life but it is interchangable with God) is interesting in which it breeds situations that you need not want. This is what you need make your decision and play it out. Ultimately it's and individualistic sport but it helps to have a great coach, sometimes it's just hard to understand him. In the time of need eyes are blinded and trust is tested. Hope is the heart that'll beat when you take the first step.