Sleeping In.

On a night like this all I have is my thoughts, my thoughts and my soundtrack. More and More days are growing together, weeks merely punctuate the month. This June I gave myself some goals, and told myself that I will do these. To shed some pounds, to stop wasting money on food, to not indulge in the craziness of life, to surround myself by people who I think are successful (in the means of life) and to take risks. I have merely tickled the surface but I already feel so much better and there are yards to go.

Taking risks is hard to do, not knowing outcomes creates disarray in the mind. I've had too many chances to move on (with girls) and what has happened I froze, faster than a deer in headlights. I was afraid. Afraid of what. Happiness, belonging, touched. Scared that there is life after love. I keep setting myself up for failure, and that I complain about how my life never catches a break. My break should be that I'm still alive and have the chance to feel comforted. Maybe it's because I feel like there is so much more out there better than me, fiter, smarter, funnier, more handsome than me. Why should anyone settle. Am I selling myself too short? Well who doesn't. Is it costing me more than I want to realize, yes. I spend so much time analyzing everything in my head that it passes me by. Why can't I be this guy on paper in real life. The guy who knows what he should do and does it. I pour myself in here in hopes it will mutate to life. In way it has.

Belonging. I haven't felt that since my senior year. I know who I am, I know where I came from, I have an idea of who I want to be. Yet I always feel slightly out of place. Usually I can look past it but lately it's grown. I come home and I don't leave my room. I say 2 words to my dad a week, I'm scornful towards my sister, and i rarely see my brother. I'm not quite a stranger in my house, but my house does not feel like home anymore. I miss that feeling, because it's a feeling not a place. Home is where the heart is, but more over home is where love exsists. I feel loved, but it's bland and general. There's something about sincerity that can life the soul. I think I've just come to the point in my life where I need to venture out on my own. No more safety net of familiar comfort. No more coming home to the same place for the past 21 years, no more routine. Life needs to be shaken up like a bottle of Yoo-Hoo, other wise everything you like will sit at the bottom while your stuck up top wondering why life isn't as sweet as it was.

Sometimes all I really want is a hand to hold. Someone to hug and say things will get better, they always get better. That special feeling you get when you hug someone and your chest starts to burn a little and you don't want to let go, cause you feel like everything will be alright. A kiss goodnight. Just knowing that I have someone to call. To talk to. To feel for. When you have someone you can go to bed at night knowing that tomorrow there is someone who can't wait to see you, who will want to talk to you, who will be there. However good the relationship, how ever rocky, that statement is true. Just the degrees can vary. Wow I kinda got tear eyed with all that. Lonliness is settling in, now I know why I work so much.

I talk to this blog like it was a real person, like it understands me. Just like I listen to music as if it's talking to me. Wrapping the world around me.