Music

If I did not have music, I do not know where I would be right now. Everyone in life has to obsess about things, wether you want to agree to it or not. Wether it be love, grudges, anger, movies, friends, beer, drugs, whatever. Life is not agreeable if you do not have something that can be the focal point of your life. Not as if everything in your life is determined by that thing you obsess over, that's called an addiction. I keep my life free of addiction, I do not need cruxes, I do not need things that rule my life, it's hard enough for me to keep my life straight I do not need something else pulling me in another direction. Obsessions are good. They give you something to look forward too. I obsess over intelligence. Not in the sense of a squared but b squared equals c squared. More along the life of keep in touch with the pulse of life, knowing as much as I can so I can not only participate in conversations but lead. Not only to look like I know what I am talking about but to have confidence in what I say. Music is the main part, it was independent movies last year and still for the most part is. Before movies and music, all I had was loss. I could obsess of loss, tracking my ex (not in the stalker way peeping out her window) but finding out if she was seeing anyone, and such. I call it personal mutilation as in the sense I know if I find out she's with someone it will hurt, like knowing she doesn't pick up the call from me. I know it will hurt but I pursue it anyway. I know thinking about my mom makes me feel like I have been cheated but sometimes I do think about it, and I do feel cheated. Doing all that doesn't accomplish anything and just creates non healing wounds. In the same sense I like to press Bruises on myself cause I find it amusing to see how big it can get. Except emotional bruises do not heal as easy as physical ones. All this to say that I have replaced all that non-sense a long while ago with keeping in touch with the pulse of life, trying my hardest to be interesting. Yet I keep feeling this resounding feeling of dejection lately. I feel like I'm not good enough for people, and when I do find someone I find all these details for me not to pursue it. I'm sabotaging myself, almost as if I want to feel hurt. Or maybe I just want to assure myself I can still feel.