Internationaly Tongue Tied

In one weeks time I will not only be seeing my favorite band in concert but i will also be on the road to my favorite place in the world NYC.

And the more i think about it the more fitting it is to this summer because let's face it people, summer is just about over, i think maybe one more week (of course i'll be nyc) and than bam full blown life. With everyone going to school, working, spending time with their boy/girlfriends.

What can I say about this summer, I can say everything is totally different now than it was in the beginning. I have new job, a new store, new friends (and some exclusive old friends) People have broken up people have gotten together people are just being people (in the depeche mode style). Good news is that Lindsay doesn't even enter my mind anymore, which is kind of sad, but she has a life of her own accord, and from what I can tell she is happy, and well who doesn't deserve to be happy. Rob and ashley have a place of their own and no one saw that coming. Brandon moore and company have disappeared randomly (maybe because I disappeared) at any rate the scenery has changed.

As for me, I'm still at home but close to moving out, closer than I ever was. This summer has given me a really good friend (and a co-worker). I have less friend than I started out with but the one I do have mean more, which I guess in turn really getting older that is what's supposed to happen. The triple Z got reunited for one night and that was the best feeling since High School. I have money and health and a virtuous lifestyle. The lack of a girl in my life is still the more disheartening but I understand in the reasonings of life that being my biggest worry I am well off than most.

As for family divorces, molestations, and new dad girlfriends have all been served up on a platter atleast showing me that there is fallibility to life and it can reach us at any time no one is immune. I feel lonely in my house yet it's understandable, this house represents everything of a time that was extremely happy and joyous ( a time where my mom was alive, dinner was served together, I had someone to intelligent with)( a time where everything was ahead of me, I had a steady girlfriend, prospects a plenty), now it's just a shell, shells of time that has been passed up. But that's what happens you grow older and lifes you led shed off like the skin of a snake. The only way to happy is to constantly reinvent yourself. Striving to be the best Tim Zimm I can be (stiving to be the best you, you can be) that doesn't mean you'll reach it or even if it is the best tim zimm I can be, it just means I inherit the struggle of life and I will cherish the growth from it, and I will push forward with the knowledge I have to do what I think is needed to be done.

I remember at the beginning of the summer I told Rob that I want the summer anthem to be Always New Depths by Bloc Party (that being when I didn't really know the song was about suicide), and now I think of what song best describes this summer and it is Always New Depths.
I don't condone suicide, I think it's just a cop out and weak. But there is something powerful about controling your demise. The biggest aspect that clouds every person is the uncertainty of death, not uncertainty as if were going to die, but when how and why. Ultimately I will have no control over it. I won't be able to say ok now I want to die than die. Power of having to control that is which is not supposed to be controlled. In anthropology I read about a tribe where the chief would throw a party for 3 days than he would lock himself up in the cave underneath the ground, where he would starve to death. The idea was the cheif knew that he was no more use to the tribe and would kill himself. Giving him the power to decide when to let go of this tangible world.

All that to say, This summer has created a new me, a new you, really a new us. A self image suicide. Us using our control to become who we are now. Maybe a bit hardened, maybe a bit self realisitic, a bit sadder but a lot more appreciative. We killed the optomistic youth image we had of life and moved onto the closer adult version where life is going throw whatever it wants at you, you have to accept but learn to move past it, wether it means acception of what it is or acception of taking it and fixing it. I know i use to want and wish for the life that I use to have even creating situations that were similiar but it doesn't work like that. So to say, All the pennies in the Thames will not make it how it was.

Always new depths, that is what I strive for. I feel bad for people who are skimming the waters of life. Dive in, hold your breath, and keep going out of your comfort zone, out of the standards of life. Push yourself till your about choke on the waters of life, and than you will reach the point where you breathe water and you can feel the act of living. You will have understanding, you will have ideas of what you need, you will have the chance to do things which is not part of the norm of your life.

Summertime has come and gone
All used up with wishful thinking
Get sussed out, get cynical
In this world there are no second chances
Crawling round on all fours
Curl yourself into a circle
I will tear myself apart
If you promise to paint me
As a work of art

if you think about it, no truer words were spoken.

I hope I find someone who will paint me as a work of art.

I will paint you as a work of art.