Relentless
So this is what life has come down to. A series of inevitabilities, only postponed by time. All I ever do is wait. Waiting for something to happen. For this metaphorically ephinany that says, This your life, take it, live it. It doesn't come though. Time still moves forward wether or not I want it to. Life has boiled down to work and people. and money. I have not much of any of those.
All I ever do is debate the cycle of life. I sit at home after work and stew about the day. It's a dangerous thing to be by yourself with nothing but your mind. It can be lonely.
I feel like I have so much to say. So many idea's popping in and out of my mind. Religion, People, Life, Death. Yet i have not a voice to speak of it. These things are in my head, and there is deep thought. So deep that I cannot reach it with my own mind. I feel these notions running around my mind so fast that there is no way I can keep up.
I may be becoming obsessed with nothing. It happens to me all the time. I come home and sit in my room and listen to music. I want to leave I want to go out I want to have fun. I can't. Is it my myself weighing me down. maybe the uneveness of the weather. perhaps just the weight of all these decisions blowing by in my life.
Have you ever just been ready to live. To wake up in the morning and know that this is your life and that's all you can do with it. but you can't. There are so many processes you have to pursue before that life begins. Before you can wake up and go to your career, to come home and talking with your love, to cook dinner for your kids. That all seems very old and unworthy, but at the same rate, there is a constant to that situation that makes me desire so much. To know you have this great job you get to go to everyday. To have this wonderful person to come home to, to sleep next to, to kiss at night and wake up to their eyes. That constant to know that at the end of the day your life will still be yours.
I am finding out more and more that constants aren't true. Merely an idea set up by the mind. To fool you into thinking life is safe. That everything will go as planned. I look around at my life and begin to wonder. Where did everythin go. Really. Not but a few years ago, I had everything. A wonderful family it come home to after school. A mom to comfort me. A girlfriend to talk to. So many friends around to make me feel safe. Money from the job I went to not very often. No bills to worry about. I stay away from using the word carefree, but in an essence alive. To have life so full, and to turn around and feel so empty. Empty doesn't neccessarily meaning bad. Empty as in there is so much room to fill that all you have left is hope. Hope that maybe some day that person, you just know will be the one, steals a look at you. That someday I can come home to my mom and dad. That someday I can call my friends and not have to worry about who hates who, who's making fun of who. Life isn't that easy anymore. It's all barrelled down to people attitudes and perceptions. The more I open my eyes the more I see people with negative attitudes, with perceptions that are bleak and damning. It makes me feel weird. I look around and I see people not actions. I try my hardest not to judge anyone. To turn the perverbial cheek. Accept someone as who they are, and not what people think they are. That's a rare quality. I am by no means bragging. For one that shouldn't be something to brag about it should be just a fact of nature for everyone. But life has gotten so cynical. and it's a shame.
I say all this cause I have so much free time. I called Lindsay after my first class. Partly because I just wanted so much someone to talk to, and partly because it was a force of habit. She called me back. We talked for a few minutes, she said she'd call me on tuesday, and it's thursday today. It's hard to swallow how someone cause push someone completely out of their life. But we all do it. I am as guilty as the next person. But I have never pushed a really good friend out of my life. and I never will.
Everything aside I just truly miss, having someone there at the end of the night. I don't anymore. At the end of the day, there is no real person for me to call. There is no real person for me to talk to. There will be no one to call me tomorrow wondering if i'm ok cause i didn't talk to them. No one to vent to. No one to hug. To feel. To touch. To emote. When I had a kid, that was my mom. She was the person I talked to all the time. We had the same personality. Smart, witty, and topical. She was that person in my life for many years. Until she had cancer. Than there was no one. I went to church everyday, went to work and school as much as I could. If you stay active there is less time to realize this. Than I had Lindsay, who replaced my mom almost immediatly. Not but a few months in our relationship, my mom passed. So I had Lindsay to feel belonging to. There is just so much to be said about having the idea of that one person always being there. That at the end of the day, you can count on that person to be there. But for me that has not been something I can count on. I am use to it, but not wanting it. Cause now I have no one. At the point in my life where I almost need someone. Not because I feel like my life sucks, but more along the lines of wanting something real.
It is unimportant to live your life by yourself. Cause you a speck of dust on a speck of dust on a speck of dust, in the context of the galaxy and the whole picture. Life is meant to be shared. Which is what I do. Chances are just limited today. On a good day I have Big Rob to hang out with or Brandon and Lindsey. That's just not the same as a Lindsay. Cause if I have a shitty day Lindsay can make me feel better and they can't. Lindsay can still make me feel better, and it's like a double edged sword. Cause it's a false feel better. It's my mind saying she misses you so much, she needs you in her life. She doesn't. and isn't. All you end up with is feeling bad cause you know she has that person in her life. and I don't. It's making me withdraw from many things. But that's the challenge's in life. and what make's life worth living.
To get knocked down and see if you can get up. Cause if you don't your not letting them win, your letting yourself lose. I try my best. and I am proud to say that. At the end of the day no matter how lonely I am I know who I am. and not too many people I know can say that. With everyone so fake now adays it's hard to know even if yourself is real. I am. I have felt raw emotions. I have pursued life. Trudged through the shit of life and I keep moving. I keep making decisions. No matter if their good ones or bad ones. If I keep moving there is not time to dwell on the cynicism of life.
I know I am a nice guy. I know I may not be the best car in the showroom, I may be the most reliable. At the end of the day, no matter how lonely, or hurt, or despondent I feel, I am alive and able bodied. To take tomorrow as a new challenge. As much as I want Lindsay back in my life, or my mom, or any girl I have to know that life only gives me what I need and not what I want. and that is a value people should remember.
All I ever do is debate the cycle of life. I sit at home after work and stew about the day. It's a dangerous thing to be by yourself with nothing but your mind. It can be lonely.
I feel like I have so much to say. So many idea's popping in and out of my mind. Religion, People, Life, Death. Yet i have not a voice to speak of it. These things are in my head, and there is deep thought. So deep that I cannot reach it with my own mind. I feel these notions running around my mind so fast that there is no way I can keep up.
I may be becoming obsessed with nothing. It happens to me all the time. I come home and sit in my room and listen to music. I want to leave I want to go out I want to have fun. I can't. Is it my myself weighing me down. maybe the uneveness of the weather. perhaps just the weight of all these decisions blowing by in my life.
Have you ever just been ready to live. To wake up in the morning and know that this is your life and that's all you can do with it. but you can't. There are so many processes you have to pursue before that life begins. Before you can wake up and go to your career, to come home and talking with your love, to cook dinner for your kids. That all seems very old and unworthy, but at the same rate, there is a constant to that situation that makes me desire so much. To know you have this great job you get to go to everyday. To have this wonderful person to come home to, to sleep next to, to kiss at night and wake up to their eyes. That constant to know that at the end of the day your life will still be yours.
I am finding out more and more that constants aren't true. Merely an idea set up by the mind. To fool you into thinking life is safe. That everything will go as planned. I look around at my life and begin to wonder. Where did everythin go. Really. Not but a few years ago, I had everything. A wonderful family it come home to after school. A mom to comfort me. A girlfriend to talk to. So many friends around to make me feel safe. Money from the job I went to not very often. No bills to worry about. I stay away from using the word carefree, but in an essence alive. To have life so full, and to turn around and feel so empty. Empty doesn't neccessarily meaning bad. Empty as in there is so much room to fill that all you have left is hope. Hope that maybe some day that person, you just know will be the one, steals a look at you. That someday I can come home to my mom and dad. That someday I can call my friends and not have to worry about who hates who, who's making fun of who. Life isn't that easy anymore. It's all barrelled down to people attitudes and perceptions. The more I open my eyes the more I see people with negative attitudes, with perceptions that are bleak and damning. It makes me feel weird. I look around and I see people not actions. I try my hardest not to judge anyone. To turn the perverbial cheek. Accept someone as who they are, and not what people think they are. That's a rare quality. I am by no means bragging. For one that shouldn't be something to brag about it should be just a fact of nature for everyone. But life has gotten so cynical. and it's a shame.
I say all this cause I have so much free time. I called Lindsay after my first class. Partly because I just wanted so much someone to talk to, and partly because it was a force of habit. She called me back. We talked for a few minutes, she said she'd call me on tuesday, and it's thursday today. It's hard to swallow how someone cause push someone completely out of their life. But we all do it. I am as guilty as the next person. But I have never pushed a really good friend out of my life. and I never will.
Everything aside I just truly miss, having someone there at the end of the night. I don't anymore. At the end of the day, there is no real person for me to call. There is no real person for me to talk to. There will be no one to call me tomorrow wondering if i'm ok cause i didn't talk to them. No one to vent to. No one to hug. To feel. To touch. To emote. When I had a kid, that was my mom. She was the person I talked to all the time. We had the same personality. Smart, witty, and topical. She was that person in my life for many years. Until she had cancer. Than there was no one. I went to church everyday, went to work and school as much as I could. If you stay active there is less time to realize this. Than I had Lindsay, who replaced my mom almost immediatly. Not but a few months in our relationship, my mom passed. So I had Lindsay to feel belonging to. There is just so much to be said about having the idea of that one person always being there. That at the end of the day, you can count on that person to be there. But for me that has not been something I can count on. I am use to it, but not wanting it. Cause now I have no one. At the point in my life where I almost need someone. Not because I feel like my life sucks, but more along the lines of wanting something real.
It is unimportant to live your life by yourself. Cause you a speck of dust on a speck of dust on a speck of dust, in the context of the galaxy and the whole picture. Life is meant to be shared. Which is what I do. Chances are just limited today. On a good day I have Big Rob to hang out with or Brandon and Lindsey. That's just not the same as a Lindsay. Cause if I have a shitty day Lindsay can make me feel better and they can't. Lindsay can still make me feel better, and it's like a double edged sword. Cause it's a false feel better. It's my mind saying she misses you so much, she needs you in her life. She doesn't. and isn't. All you end up with is feeling bad cause you know she has that person in her life. and I don't. It's making me withdraw from many things. But that's the challenge's in life. and what make's life worth living.
To get knocked down and see if you can get up. Cause if you don't your not letting them win, your letting yourself lose. I try my best. and I am proud to say that. At the end of the day no matter how lonely I am I know who I am. and not too many people I know can say that. With everyone so fake now adays it's hard to know even if yourself is real. I am. I have felt raw emotions. I have pursued life. Trudged through the shit of life and I keep moving. I keep making decisions. No matter if their good ones or bad ones. If I keep moving there is not time to dwell on the cynicism of life.
I know I am a nice guy. I know I may not be the best car in the showroom, I may be the most reliable. At the end of the day, no matter how lonely, or hurt, or despondent I feel, I am alive and able bodied. To take tomorrow as a new challenge. As much as I want Lindsay back in my life, or my mom, or any girl I have to know that life only gives me what I need and not what I want. and that is a value people should remember.
posted by Tim Zimm | 8:31 PM
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