Breaking Point
Everyone has a breaking point. No one is invicible, no one is superman, no one can just ignore that they have emotions. I'm a nice, calm guy. I'm that way cause whatever internal emotions i have stay that way. I push them down into the pit of my being. Everything that has happened to me my whole life that is displeasing, I drop it below, hoping for that magical thought. If I ignore it that it has to disappear. But things just don't disappear. Things fester. They get full and start becoming excess. How long can anyone go that way.
21 years. That's how long. I don't know what happened last night. I was in my own backseat of my own car, everything was ok. I was having fun. It was a great night. I was drunk and feeling good. The thought never occured to me that lindsay was prolly with a guy. Which was the thought dogging me before the party. Time clicked. Everything lined up. The point was hit and the gates were open. Life is full of moments where you can't control what's going on.
It was either the fact ryan was going to drive home really drunk. Was it becuase he was into hard drugs. Was it because I left my guard down. No one was there to watch these emotions. It happened. I just let go. Tears streamed out of my face down my eyes and fell into oblivion. Every shitty thing that has happened the past few years just came out. Not in words but in tears. Words come and go. They linger. They don't get rid of anything. They can be aknowledged but not taken or gotten rid of. Tears. They are physical. Tears is what the soul is made out of. Crying doesn't solve anything. Tears can. I let loose. Everything in me was coming out. I emptied my soul onto lindsey's pants. Into my hands. On the backs of my friends.
Why.
Why now. What happened. What's wrong. These are not only the things asked by people about me. But what I ask myself about me. My life is not bad. Things are not beyond repair. I've let a couple of things ruin everything. There's not point to it anymore. Am i fading. Slowly disapearing. Yeah. I am. But only to a few people. This is 2006. I have many more things waiting for me. I have to let the past be exactly what it is. Time that is dead. The only thing I can do is remember as a fleeting feeling and than move ahead. There was this saying during the summer of my internship that I loved.
If you keep one foot in the past and one foot into the future, all you do is piss on the present.
It's true. My biggest problem is I put people inside of me. I care too much. I want nothing but good things to happen. It just doesn't happen that way. I will learn. I can't control people. I can't force anyone to do something I think they should do. I can only control what I do. The only true constant in anyone's life is, who you are and what decisions you make. I will continue to make decisions that I believe is the right one. I will continue on with the path that is ahead of me.
21 years. That's how long. I don't know what happened last night. I was in my own backseat of my own car, everything was ok. I was having fun. It was a great night. I was drunk and feeling good. The thought never occured to me that lindsay was prolly with a guy. Which was the thought dogging me before the party. Time clicked. Everything lined up. The point was hit and the gates were open. Life is full of moments where you can't control what's going on.
It was either the fact ryan was going to drive home really drunk. Was it becuase he was into hard drugs. Was it because I left my guard down. No one was there to watch these emotions. It happened. I just let go. Tears streamed out of my face down my eyes and fell into oblivion. Every shitty thing that has happened the past few years just came out. Not in words but in tears. Words come and go. They linger. They don't get rid of anything. They can be aknowledged but not taken or gotten rid of. Tears. They are physical. Tears is what the soul is made out of. Crying doesn't solve anything. Tears can. I let loose. Everything in me was coming out. I emptied my soul onto lindsey's pants. Into my hands. On the backs of my friends.
Why.
Why now. What happened. What's wrong. These are not only the things asked by people about me. But what I ask myself about me. My life is not bad. Things are not beyond repair. I've let a couple of things ruin everything. There's not point to it anymore. Am i fading. Slowly disapearing. Yeah. I am. But only to a few people. This is 2006. I have many more things waiting for me. I have to let the past be exactly what it is. Time that is dead. The only thing I can do is remember as a fleeting feeling and than move ahead. There was this saying during the summer of my internship that I loved.
If you keep one foot in the past and one foot into the future, all you do is piss on the present.
It's true. My biggest problem is I put people inside of me. I care too much. I want nothing but good things to happen. It just doesn't happen that way. I will learn. I can't control people. I can't force anyone to do something I think they should do. I can only control what I do. The only true constant in anyone's life is, who you are and what decisions you make. I will continue to make decisions that I believe is the right one. I will continue on with the path that is ahead of me.
posted by Tim Zimm | 9:46 AM
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