Lonely.

It's a terrible feeling and we all know it. Some people we know it a little well. It really is amazing how easy it can be to feel lonely. I've never known it to be so hard just to go watch a movie. Just to go to the park. Just to be with someone and share life. Except I find myself here, sitting alone in my room. An occassion that has become more than that, but a requirement. Is this something I create on my own. Is this a situational suicide. Is it really up to me to make myself not feel utterly alone. Yes and No.

When did it become this hard. When did it occur when that I can ran down my phone list and call 2 out of 100 people. Is it relationships. Is it a causality of busy. Is it me pursueing this anti-social behavior. What it boils down to is the ease of taking for granted having someone in your life to be there. I have no one. Though I did have someone. I had many people. I had girls, guys, siblings, people. What happened. The eventualality of life did. Eventually things change, people move on, people find someone else. What has happened to me. I look back and I was in this situation an exact year ago. Is this a plague upon myself. Am I destined to become an old mizer. All I really want is a person to be with. Not necessarily a girl. Just that person I can call and say hey lets go see a movie. Life is too complicated for that anymore. If I call someone it has to go through the pipeline. Life has moved away from hanging out. Life has become that pusuit of that person to always hang out with.

All my friends have someone to be with. That pipeline. That situation that makes me the third wheel. That makes me look at their relationships and say they are so lucky or they don't even know how lucky they are. Do I want that knawing at my head. My life has boiled down to a series of reoccuring situations. I go to work. Come home. Listen to music. Surf the web. Watch a movie. Sleep. Repeat. Is that a life. That's nothing more than a spreadsheet of a life. Steps to get to the same place everyday. I'm becoming lost into the oblivion of lost thoughts and forgotten promises. If I moved away it would take days before anyone would notice. Weeks for that one person, maybe months. So I'm stuck here alone with my thoughts. A dangerous situation.

Am I boiling down to little obsessions of life. Everything I do becomes an obsessoinal routine. What i do at work, where I go on the internet, the thoughts in my head. Is it sane for a person to wonder if another person remembers them in their life. Is it sane for me to judge my life by the spotlight I have in another. I am not a star in anyone's life. There is no backround character, there is no curtain to close. I feel like the props in a box, whose only chance it is to shine, is to become the object of another person's life. I am just an Idea floating around people who know me. An untangible ghost. I have requirements to keep and if I don't maintain them the idea of me will get lost in the shuffle. In the abyss of life. With so much coming at everyone everyday everysecond what chance have I. Instead I will sit here in my own life. Comtemplating the next step. The next move to take. But there are no more cards to draw. I only have my own hand to play with. There is no cheating. Just play or fold. How often do I have to fold before I realize that you can't win at anything you don't try.

All I have left is my dreams and hopes. With the expectations of maybe one day acheiving them. Is it possible for one person to feel like they have so much to offer yet no one to offer it to. Doomed to a life of perpetual writing with nothing to achieve. I write what I feel becuase who else is out there who know's what I'm going through. With life full of problems what importance is mine to everyone. How miniscual of a problem to have in the context of everything. Loneliness. That has nothing on hunger. on being so poor you can afford clothes. How laughable is lonliness compared to cancer. Yet how odd lonliness can engulf your mind. How easily it makes you feel doomed and hopeless. How it can make a simple fact of not having someone to go the movies with feel like the end of the world. All it becomes is the end of a night. A night of one of many. Many more chances to do what I want.

Is it too much to ask for to have someone to belong to. To now carry the burden of your life by yourself. That's the great oppurtunity of having someone in your life, to share qurrals of your own life with. To lessen the weight on your shoulders. And I know that is what God is for. Yet there is something more physical more tangible in having that person there. To know you can feel that person in your arms. To hear their heartbeat. To be held. In a time when life has been dwindled down to so many problems how easy are they to overcome when at the end of the day there is someone on your side. How wonderful that feeling. You almost take for granted having that hand to hold. The comfort in that. All those emotions connected with love. How great is the power of love. And how great is the power in not having love. How easily it succumbs your life. The pessimism, the narror mindedness, the almost gone self worth and respect. How great is that power. The power to life someone up so high and knock them so far down.

At the end of the day all i have is this blog. This is the only thing i can comfort in. The only thing that I can open up to. Is that sad. or maybe unbelievable. or disconcerning to know that all I have at the end of the day is words. Words and words. How unambiguous is words, and how ambiguous is actions. I write all this to have something physical in my life. Too look at and read. And share. And how confirming it is that all I have is me. My words and me. That's life in it's most nude. Me and my own feelings. At the end of the day there is only one constant. That when I look in the mirror there will be me. That i am alive. That I have my own thoughts and emotions. My own attitude. My own burden and problems. Is it glorious or damning. Only the unwilling future will tell.