Fucking Rant.

It's bullshit. That's what it comes down to. Fucking bullshit. I was doing so well. I was feeling good, i was looking around, I was trying to forget. I was fucking suceeding. Than you had to be beautiful. You had to touch me. You had to hold me and hug me. That's bullshit. Cause I love you and I always have. Right when I was so close to forgetting that I did. So close. You have never had this feeling. You have never been this human. This raw. The essence of pain and living. My heart shattered to a million pieces, every shard being sharper than the next. Raining down my stomach like the eternal fire of hell. Burning my insides, while leaving this spot on my chest. This part of my body where it's supposed to be full. Empty. Hollow. It broke so hard that it had to disappear.

I know. I can feel it. I see your eyes. I see you remembering that smell. I saw your head thinking outloud. Yelling at what it's like to feel loved. Remembering what it's like to love. Why are you so afraid of it. WHY? You say pain is the point when your the realist. I say fuck pain. Pain substitutes your life. It gives you reasons to feel sorry for yourself to brew on your own shit of a being. Love becomes real. Love makes you human. It makes you vunerable. Pain doesn't. Pain puts a guard up. Love breaks down your walls and allows every emotion to run through your body. Seering with delight, flailing with discouragement, wallowing in pain. Love is the way of living. You cannot live life successfully if you do not love. Family. Pets. Life. Or that one person you feel completes you. You complete me. I know that feeilngs is in you too. Your afraid though...you have always been afraid to live. Life is nothing but words to you. Intangible Inumerous amounts of empty goals and forsaken ideology. You give up to easy. That's the story of your life. Try to argue it with me, but I know you wont. Your smart enough to know.

But your not smart enough to know me. To know that it hurt so bad for you to answer that phone. For that phone being so important that I can wait. I say fuck that. Fuck that for what it is bullshit. I did not or do everything i do for you for you not to care for me. Go on living this sham of a life you call lindsay. Cause it's just bullshit. You broke my heart. Not by breaking up with me. Not by not being my friend. By pushing me aside when "your work" calls. I'm not dumb. Call it for what it is. I don't like to be put on the back burner. These new people this new life, they haven't been there with you. I am just so fucking pissed right now you have no idea. You have no idea for what it's like to not feel your heart. It's bullshit. It really is.

My heart hurts cause I feel sorry for you. As much as I want to I have no control over anyone else and their life. I could not help my mom survive, just like I can't force you to like me. And all that is just bullshit. I am real. I am here. Why not take the chance. You are so worried about conquering the world that you can't even know what's good for your own life.

That is the problem with girls in the twenties. And for the most part people in general. They are so wrapped up in their own individualistic self absorbed own life that they force feed themselves misery. It's like parents today have given up on making their children humble. Girls are never satisfied. You could have the whole steak infront of you and think about getting the chicken instead. Eat the steak it's good. You like it a lot. Why give up. People give up so easily. This whole notion of self pity is the realist a person can get. Misery makes you human. I'll say it once i'll say it again, this need to feel sorry for yourself it's contagioius, and a hard habit to kick.


There's smoke screen across people's souls nowadays, and no one knows how to live. You love. That is life. I'm just so fed up with things that it's ridiculous. Why try so hard when you get shit on the end. Why be a good person when everyone else is being so bad that it's impossible to suceed. Why be the nice guy. I'm only going to end up being last.

I know there is no possible way for me to control peoples lives, but you know what if I could it would be the best day this earth has seen. I'm not bragging. I just feel that there aren't too many good people left nowadays. Everyone is wrapped up in their own self to worry about others. So what's left. For those of us who do worry about other's we are left with a tired soul.

I don't understang you Lindsay. I really don't. You have given up on something great. You do it all the time. Love is the notion of life. Commitment is the path of life. It can either be bumpy or smooth.

I have spent my whole life putting Love on the top of my list. Placigg the value on Love so high. Believing that end the end Love will prevail. That I keep getting hurt. And it become's a cycle. Just like everything else in life.