Capricious

I accept in life there are uncertainties. Things can get ambiguous. Unclear. There is always 2 set paths. Set only in the way of, good and bad, happy and sad, yes and no. That has slowly transfered over to love. Or the idea of "love." There is this theory that i hold to be true, especially for the time of today. Convienance has slowly transferred over to "love" This whole idea of well to have it here and now. It feels good. I might not get this feeling again or so much as I forgot what this feels like, let's give myself a gentle reminder. The only problem with this is that one person is going to be a victim.

I might be at the crossroads. On one side is this idea of me and lindsay working out great. and yet the other side says i am just conveinant just a commodity for the time being. One path says go for it and the other says pick up the pieces and walk away while you still can. One says I love lindsay and yet the other beckons the fact that lindsay has maybe changed. Things are different than they were. She's done drugs. She drinks. She's been with other boys. She's in school and more goal orrientated than before. She's anti social. but in retrospect I have changed. I have an affinity for people and For that sake movies as well. I party often enough. I have too been with a few girls. Things happen.

But i can't help to think that this is what we needed. We needed life experiences without each other. We needed to be apart to come together. We have to realize on our own independent from each other what we want in and out of life. We seperated. We endured pain though other people. We expirienced life without the safety net of each other. We grew up. We became closer to who we are. We had our great times but more importantly we both had times to hit rock bottom. Though believe me I hit so much harder than she will ever realize. At my worst i was far away and alone. No comfort. More importantly you have to hit bottom to remember how great the top is. Why in life we cannot take the good times for advantage. You never know when they will leave. Or even worse. Maybe i'm thinking of all this and yet nothing on her end. To her all I am is just Tim Zimm the person who will always be there. Why not just have the old feeling back for a while. Nothing more. No more thought process than that.

With all that what does it leave for me. Nothing but uncertainty. Is this real. Is this imaginary. Can I afford to fall hard again. Can i pick up my peices again. I told myself after that last time i wanted to get back together and she said no I told myself to let it go. It's done. She doesnt see you like that. And the second I act like that what happens. Things go crazy. All i want to know is what the hell is going on. I love the normalcy back in life but i also want to know what this is going to be. It's just frustrating as hell. it really is. Lindsay is important to me. But im not going to sacrafice myself. I want this to be solid and real. I want these emotions to be pertanent and not just available.

I don't want this to be a certain marriage. I dont want this to be an automatic relationship. I don't want this to be given falst pretenses. I just want this given a fair chance. I just want this to be whatever it is. I just want this to be real. If it's just dating than that's fine. Though i'm not a big fan of dating other people while dating me. that actually wont fly. that idea is not good. but even i can try it out once. why not i have a few girls i can date. I just want this to be me and lindsay having fun. feeling good. making memories.

We needed time off. We needed time to realize how much we appreciate each other. I just hope she appreciates me. I just really don't want to be used again. I know she won't. I just want a fair chance. I just want to know what is going on, in her crazy head. I just want to be a little more certain and a little less uncertain.