This is life.

This is life. This is what it has come down to. Regrets and idea's. I feel like that's all i have left in me. Change is so difficult. And yet it seems the most integrel part of life. Everchanging. Nothing stays the same. Constants are few and far inbetween. and Constants are only things that I can control. If i can control them than I can mess them up. let's just say i have a tendency to do that. I've been listening to a lot of depressing songs. songs with lyrics about love and love lost. i relate to them. Love is a very elusive figure. Lindsay is a very egnamtic figure for me. she represents everything i had. everything i think i want. she represents i life that i had that i enjoyed. but life changes. and so does attitudes.

I find myself retreating further and further from people. family. life. I like going to work cause at work i have all these faux friendships and they dont get mad at me often. or let me down. i like work cause i can make myself busy. i can keep myself from thinking. or make myself think of something other than crap that floats around my life. It's real easy to think of the bad things than the good things in life. It takes less effort and the whole depressed state is somewhat desirable. I know I feel more intellectual, my guard isnt down, i get to feel sorry for myself. It's just desirable. I by no means think my life is useless or even not worth living. by no means. I just put some much weight on love. Not so much as I Love You, wife or girlfriend. but just love. That bond between people. The feelings you get from it. That knowledge of knowing you have someone to come home too. That idea of having someone to kiss at the end of the night. The feeling you get from a Hug. Those are important to me.

I have always been a people person yet recently i have myself more and more disallusioned with soceity and people. Things have gotten so fake. and it's contagious. it's rather depressing. Nobody is Living. Everyone is aimed at a purpose. I talk to you so i can get to that other person. I talk to you so I can get in your pants. I help you out only so i can get a favor from you later. I get the sense that no one is being unattached. That's how i want to be. Unattached. I want to do my act's only for the fact to do them. I want to help you out cause you need to be helped out. I want to talk to you cause i think everyone deserves to be talked to. I'm nice to you cause that's how things should be. I just want to live. not be defined.

I try so hard to not contradict myself. I try hard to live outside the influence of everything. I want to be unique but i know no one is truly unique. It's hard though. nearly impossible. I do things for me but also for everyone. I'm seperate but only enough to stay inside the net of humanity. Mostly because of love. and how ubiqitious it is. Everyone anyone goes there are images or ideas bombarding your every move of sex, attraction, and love. Everyone wants and everyone knows it's elusive.

As for me which is what i have. My one main only constant. Me. My soul. My ideas. My knowledge. My past. and My present. I by no means am living the perfect life. or even a less than par life. But there is one thing true. That I am trying my hardest to live a life that i think is good. I am giving it my best shot. rolling with the punches. at the least making desicions no matter bad or good. just as long as it's a movement. Status Quo is never good. Complacent is not a way to live. And i will never be complacent with where I am. I'll keep moving. And hoping for the best. There is always hope. Nothing is lost. If you put hope into something than you give fate a fair chance.