Memories
It's the most amazing thing about life and our exsistence. Memories and our capability of holding so much importance to them. It can place unneccessary importance on anything and everything. Who is Lindsay. What does she mean to me. Is this a meaning or a defination. Turmoil swirling inside my heart and soul. I have always known but never accepted. Life moves on for everyone, but why have I stuck around. Who will gain anything from this. Not me, and not her. Is she becoming the undefined answer to what I think of as the life I want.
We don't get what we want, we get what we need. Why bend over to see if thats you, habit, hope, or desperation. I don't feel depressed, but I do feel lonely. How easy those feelings are mixed up and confused with each other. I love Lindsay but do I love her for who she is, or the idea of what she was or the idea of having someone there or just the idea of putting back together this ideal life I once had.
i'm too truncated right now to pursue this any further...
let's just say miss lindsay, but do i miss her or the idea of her. as much as i want her back is it smart. and the realization that all this really means nothing because ultimately it's not up to me. and there is no real decision. she has moved on and there is no thought of me. i am just stalled upon the third step of life. debating a non issue. i'm climbing steps that lead to no where. it's like the theory of energy. pushing up against a wall is not using energy not matter how much you sweat. only pushing something that moves is energy. i need to learn to be satisfied with life. i need to learn that there are no regrets, there are no redo's, just acceptance. and why is that so hard for me. why do i have stew about things over and over again. it's really my own fault. it's my own mind forcing my attitude. it's my own decisions that are creating these situations. why keep doing it, maybe cause i've had that taste of satisfaction with life and i want it back. maybe cause i have no one now, maybe because lindsay represents everything in my life i've pushed away like my mom.
my life is just like this journal. treading on the same topic over and over again not willing to let go. maybe thats my problem i'm just not willing to let go. maybe i never let go of my mom. maybe i never let go of this idea of what i was to now what i am. not willing to let go of love. not willing to let go of the past. too afraid to make new decisions. to new dark areas where there is no light to guide. a place i've never been. i have to make definative decisions. i need help. i need some to tell me to move on. who. has lindsay ever told me to move on. cause she has moved on. fuckfuckcufkcfasdf;asfdsa;fihsafdihlsfddf i jsut need to move on. from everything. everything has happened in the past is done with. all these expectations i put on myself i did not meet. all these things i've wanted and had is gone. your not that smart. your mom is dead. you don't have lindsay. your grades are that good. stop acting like your a genius cause your not. stop acting like you have answers for life when you don't stop pretending to be happy if your not. accept the consequences of decisions yours than everyone elses. expect for things to happen nicely. don't be so negative. things in your life isnt that bad. find some courage. do things your afraid to. like move on. move on. move on. with everything. take no more shots. get the answer you want. for you to move on. for her to say it's ok to move on. for you mom to say its ok to move on. for your old self to say its ok to move on. realize you only have a certain amount of time here and stop wasting it. you know what you want work at it. try to get it, and if you've exhausted all the ways to get their stop and move on. their is no secret to life other than living. say to yourself i'm moving on, than do it. don't just say it and not act upon it. accept that you still love lindsay but it is and has to be more to life. that you can still love her and move on. there is no defining anythign to maintain in your life. accept that no matter how much you just pretend like your mom never exsisted she did and she's dead. and she was your best friend and its ok to be sad and be not ok with. but move on. there is no point to just pushing something underneath the carpet cause it's still there. and its festering. just take a step and move on. move on. move on. you'll be much happier if you do. stop being scared of life. accept it and move on.
We don't get what we want, we get what we need. Why bend over to see if thats you, habit, hope, or desperation. I don't feel depressed, but I do feel lonely. How easy those feelings are mixed up and confused with each other. I love Lindsay but do I love her for who she is, or the idea of what she was or the idea of having someone there or just the idea of putting back together this ideal life I once had.
i'm too truncated right now to pursue this any further...
let's just say miss lindsay, but do i miss her or the idea of her. as much as i want her back is it smart. and the realization that all this really means nothing because ultimately it's not up to me. and there is no real decision. she has moved on and there is no thought of me. i am just stalled upon the third step of life. debating a non issue. i'm climbing steps that lead to no where. it's like the theory of energy. pushing up against a wall is not using energy not matter how much you sweat. only pushing something that moves is energy. i need to learn to be satisfied with life. i need to learn that there are no regrets, there are no redo's, just acceptance. and why is that so hard for me. why do i have stew about things over and over again. it's really my own fault. it's my own mind forcing my attitude. it's my own decisions that are creating these situations. why keep doing it, maybe cause i've had that taste of satisfaction with life and i want it back. maybe cause i have no one now, maybe because lindsay represents everything in my life i've pushed away like my mom.
my life is just like this journal. treading on the same topic over and over again not willing to let go. maybe thats my problem i'm just not willing to let go. maybe i never let go of my mom. maybe i never let go of this idea of what i was to now what i am. not willing to let go of love. not willing to let go of the past. too afraid to make new decisions. to new dark areas where there is no light to guide. a place i've never been. i have to make definative decisions. i need help. i need some to tell me to move on. who. has lindsay ever told me to move on. cause she has moved on. fuckfuckcufkcfasdf;asfdsa;fihsafdihlsfddf i jsut need to move on. from everything. everything has happened in the past is done with. all these expectations i put on myself i did not meet. all these things i've wanted and had is gone. your not that smart. your mom is dead. you don't have lindsay. your grades are that good. stop acting like your a genius cause your not. stop acting like you have answers for life when you don't stop pretending to be happy if your not. accept the consequences of decisions yours than everyone elses. expect for things to happen nicely. don't be so negative. things in your life isnt that bad. find some courage. do things your afraid to. like move on. move on. move on. with everything. take no more shots. get the answer you want. for you to move on. for her to say it's ok to move on. for you mom to say its ok to move on. for your old self to say its ok to move on. realize you only have a certain amount of time here and stop wasting it. you know what you want work at it. try to get it, and if you've exhausted all the ways to get their stop and move on. their is no secret to life other than living. say to yourself i'm moving on, than do it. don't just say it and not act upon it. accept that you still love lindsay but it is and has to be more to life. that you can still love her and move on. there is no defining anythign to maintain in your life. accept that no matter how much you just pretend like your mom never exsisted she did and she's dead. and she was your best friend and its ok to be sad and be not ok with. but move on. there is no point to just pushing something underneath the carpet cause it's still there. and its festering. just take a step and move on. move on. move on. you'll be much happier if you do. stop being scared of life. accept it and move on.
posted by Tim Zimm | 9:23 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home