Ultimately
Have you ever found yourself on the outside looking in. Wondering to yourself when you will participate in life. Constantly I find myself mulling over life so much that is passes me by. So busy in life thinking that I am forgetting to act. But I'm at a point in my life where I am so afraid of actions that I will accept status quo. No matter how complacent it is.
I have to learn to deal with change. It's a driving force in life. Change and your reaction. Lately I have no reaction. I see change and I continue to go about the way I was. Repeatedly running into this same wall thinking to myself that this wall shouldn't be here. But what right do I have to say what is and where it is in my own life. Too many outside influences for me to control what is going on. Instead I should be like a surfer and ride the wave. And like a surfer nothing lasts forever and what wave will end ultimately. And you will be stuck on the beach. With a decision go out or stay. I am so afraid of the water I want to stay.
Life seems to lose its ferver when you have no one to share it with. Day by Day I find myself getting more cynical about everything. Family, friends, love, hope, respect, responsibility all things that come standard issue with life but all things that I see no one appreciating anymore. I am obsessed with things I have no control over. I don't want certain things to end, cause I they end I have to admit failure, I have to admit that hope failed. I have to admit that love breaks hearts. I am so hell bent on seeing the bright side of love I force myself to forget it has a dark side. The sweet doesn't taste as sweet without the bitter. You have to have the bitter. You have to make a decision, you have to act. I am getting there. I think about her less and less. Yet no I think about how less and less I am. It's funny when someone leaves you they almost leave with everything you have. All this self worth and esteem seems to go the way of their life. Sabotage amongst myself or just nature running it course.
It's harder to admit defeat when you have no where to go. It's harder to let go when there no one around for you. It's impossible to give up on love with someone when there is no one to take their place. For me. Love is so fickle with people. Everyone gather's their own ideas about it. I haven't decided yet. I'm a hopeless romantic and not easily swayed from that perch.
Ultimately, I am here alone in my room. It' sucks. a lot. I have no one to look to. No one to say I can go after her. There is no chase. Only bait at this point. Only the slow waiting game. Lindsay hasn't called me in about 3 weeks what does that make me. Forgettable. I am just so bitter how she has gotten off the hook again. How she just jumps right back into the pool. It doesn't hurt that she's beautiful. Cause all I have in life is medocrity. A life full of it. Never to outshine but can't fade away. This purgatory of indecision, indecisive of eventuality. Stuck in between forgettable and memorable. Easily swayed either way. Easier swayed to forgettable. It doesn't take much to forget someone, but it takes a whole lot more to remember them. And in a life of medocrity there is no path to the halls of impressive. Only brief glimpses of crucial and a life full of trifling.
I have to learn to deal with change. It's a driving force in life. Change and your reaction. Lately I have no reaction. I see change and I continue to go about the way I was. Repeatedly running into this same wall thinking to myself that this wall shouldn't be here. But what right do I have to say what is and where it is in my own life. Too many outside influences for me to control what is going on. Instead I should be like a surfer and ride the wave. And like a surfer nothing lasts forever and what wave will end ultimately. And you will be stuck on the beach. With a decision go out or stay. I am so afraid of the water I want to stay.
Life seems to lose its ferver when you have no one to share it with. Day by Day I find myself getting more cynical about everything. Family, friends, love, hope, respect, responsibility all things that come standard issue with life but all things that I see no one appreciating anymore. I am obsessed with things I have no control over. I don't want certain things to end, cause I they end I have to admit failure, I have to admit that hope failed. I have to admit that love breaks hearts. I am so hell bent on seeing the bright side of love I force myself to forget it has a dark side. The sweet doesn't taste as sweet without the bitter. You have to have the bitter. You have to make a decision, you have to act. I am getting there. I think about her less and less. Yet no I think about how less and less I am. It's funny when someone leaves you they almost leave with everything you have. All this self worth and esteem seems to go the way of their life. Sabotage amongst myself or just nature running it course.
It's harder to admit defeat when you have no where to go. It's harder to let go when there no one around for you. It's impossible to give up on love with someone when there is no one to take their place. For me. Love is so fickle with people. Everyone gather's their own ideas about it. I haven't decided yet. I'm a hopeless romantic and not easily swayed from that perch.
Ultimately, I am here alone in my room. It' sucks. a lot. I have no one to look to. No one to say I can go after her. There is no chase. Only bait at this point. Only the slow waiting game. Lindsay hasn't called me in about 3 weeks what does that make me. Forgettable. I am just so bitter how she has gotten off the hook again. How she just jumps right back into the pool. It doesn't hurt that she's beautiful. Cause all I have in life is medocrity. A life full of it. Never to outshine but can't fade away. This purgatory of indecision, indecisive of eventuality. Stuck in between forgettable and memorable. Easily swayed either way. Easier swayed to forgettable. It doesn't take much to forget someone, but it takes a whole lot more to remember them. And in a life of medocrity there is no path to the halls of impressive. Only brief glimpses of crucial and a life full of trifling.
posted by Tim Zimm | 9:07 PM
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