Final Bow

Sometimes in life you have to just know when to say when. You have to stand up and acknowledge defeat. Constantly failing is not progress. It is not the way to go about things. There is a lot to be said about perservience, but sometimes perserveance can get confused with ignorance. Blind faith is important in life, yet there is boundaries, there are limits. My curtain call came. Time to step behind the curtain and let lives move on. Lights dim, and the show is over. Last acts completed. Sacrafices settled. Obsessions left to die out. To be replaced with something new. I've put myself out there. Everything comes down to me. I keep slowly recognizing that I have no control over reflections of other lives. No control on who wants me to be there or thinks of me. I have no control over anything. Only my decisions, and I have been letting outside sources make them for me. That is neither smart nor wise. It leads to hurt feelings and missed ideology. Defeatism spurs creationism.

I took my last step. It's time to move on. Everyone else has so why am I lagging behind. This self contempuous dread that is so appealing. It's finished. I can't continue to expect something when I know better. I can't keep looking out the window when a car passes. I can't drive by to see if there's exsistence. I have to stop checking my phone. my email. everything. There is no time for after thoughts, life is too full of important thoughts to begin with. I will never know who or what anybody thinks. Why anybody does anything. I give them the best of intentions. No one lives up to them. I don't live up to my own.

This is how I think, this is what I am thinking

I am 21 and getting back into school, still in love with a girl who doesn't love me, waiting for life to breeze up and kick in. I like you, Abby, Stephanie, Christina, Nikki, Anita, Megan, and you may not even know it, you may not even care, you may like me back. Life is full of indecisions like that. Yet for each one of you I have something internally holding me back. Like my own being is putting requirements, prerequisites, stupid things in my mind holding me back. Which is most likely a good thing. Cause who I am to be in a relationship, when I still can't get out of one, mentally and emotionally. Or maybe I am out but refuse to believe that things are different. Or maybe I am just so confused about life that I have no clue what is going on. Everything I know or think is molding. The strains of getting old. The closer to reality. Is it possible for me to get any older when I feel 80 right now. One thing I know is I don't proclaim things I know I never will do. I don't idealize my life. I'm not going to do this in a year and than a week later change my mind and do this a year later. I'm going to do what I am doing right now today and in a week whatever I'm doing than I will be doing than and in a year from now whatever my life decisions has taken me I am there. No empty ideas, forsakened promises with myself and others. No self proclaimations of my life ambitions to everyone. No bragging about doing things that I know I never will do. I accept life. I accept that as much as you want to plan it you just can't. I accept that what I feel and what I think is not held to any guidelines of what a 21 year old should be doing. If i'm in love that that is ok, if i'm not that is ok. Either way is normal or not normal for a 21 year old. I have no guilty pleasure dream ambitions that will change my attitude towards anything. Only the acceptance of any given day. That I will take a day and use it as wisely as I can.

I don't talk trash about people. I like being nice to people. I don't like people not being acidic towards others. I don't like drugs, and I'm disappointed with people who do them. I like going to school and I feel accomplished being there. I like listening to music that I think is intelligent and doing things I think is intelligent. I like having a religion and have something to believe in. I like having faith in people, in ideas, in my soul. I don't turn my back on anyone and I do go out of my way for people. I am not perfect and I don't ever want to be. I know I have to live life mistake to mistake. I will try and learn from my mistakes. I will take what life has given me and not foolishly give up things that won't come again. I like reading to look smart. I like girls. I like many girls. I like a certain girl. I like blogging, plotting the map of my soul and life, where I have been will be important to me. I have gone through more than you will ever know. I am an adult and I am fine with that, in a time when you have to grow up quickly you must. I take what life will give me. I am not the fittest I can be, but I like who I am. and I know at the end of the day even though I have no one to talk to, I still have beautiful music to listen to and words to write. all the rest will be dealt with when their ready. Cause I am ready.