Fate and it's Unprecedence...
So much has happened, in what a month. Life maintains a constant motion even when you don't. I questioned Lindsay's motives. I was shocked by her falling back in love with me. What was it that changed her mind.
She told me a number of factors. Factors. I have been reduced to factors. Not gut feeling. Not fate. She means well though. She said no for so long that she had actually believed she wasn't in love with me. How odd. She said No to me so much that now I'm not even sure if Love is really what it is. Alas I do love lindsay. and all her idiosecrencies. I understand that she has to say aloud all the time how much she thinks she's grand to hide or atleast mask or even just to disagree with as much of her insides that says she's not. Sometimes it's overbearing. Your good at a lot of things. Quite lucky actually. But modest is where people succeed in life. Or atleast i think so. What can I say though cause i turn around and do the same thing sometimes.
I have understood that she is most definately not the same exact girl I dated what would have been our 3rd year a couple days ago. She's more independent, she doesn't need physical love as much (cuddling, kissing, or even sex (which i actually couldn't care about though it feels great it should never be the defining point of a relationship)). She still want's to do what she wants to do, unless she looks over and see's me toughing through it, in which i appreciate. But none of this means anything. It's nothing more than a few things that can get a little unnerving. not a big deal really.
But I'm here left thinking what is going on with all this. I know she loves me, I really do. She knows what she did wrong and she also knows im not mad at anything about this past year, It was a growth year for the both of us. We both did our own things. I mantained contact with her and made myself a constant for her. Cause I really do think Constants can make a person's life more enduring.
I'm not sure where all this is leading I really don't. I think it just comes down to me wondering am I setting myself up for disaster again. Am I the one who's going to get hurt. Are things going to be great for a year and disapate. 6 months. 1 month. who knows. We don't fight. We're back to where the good times were. Well not even that it's like we have a happy medium between our first 2 years right now. We're loving life and yet being grown up. Joking around but being serious. I have always known that I love this girl. It's been the only thing i have ever been certain of in my life. A part of me just wants to make sure that this is True. I feel it is. I just haven't quite convinced my brain to think that way just yet. What can I say he's stubborn.
Fate is a magical and odd entity to life. It can give you the dreams you have always envisioned yet all the while in La La Land, it mixes things up and make sure that there is strife and work. Nothing should just be so easy you wonder if there's more to it. Fate, the good Fate requires work. Attention. Attitude. Involvement. Ideology. I'm putting forth so much effort. Well I wouldn't even call it effort so much as putting somethings ahead of others that I just wonder if Lindsay is doing the same thing. I think she is. I really do. I'm just still a bit confused. I really am. This is everything i've wanted and hoped for the past year. All the tears and tension lead me to her. I have her now, it's still a bit daunting. I'm just still in shock. I asked her out back on the 3rd again. I hope we have many more anniversaries to come.
I dunno I'm just tired and the tired brain loves to churn the wheels. Tired bodies make the brain push forth things you should have laid to rest. I'm fighting the good fight. but i feel there are casulaties. I really love Lindsay, and I want to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her. I need that.
She told me a number of factors. Factors. I have been reduced to factors. Not gut feeling. Not fate. She means well though. She said no for so long that she had actually believed she wasn't in love with me. How odd. She said No to me so much that now I'm not even sure if Love is really what it is. Alas I do love lindsay. and all her idiosecrencies. I understand that she has to say aloud all the time how much she thinks she's grand to hide or atleast mask or even just to disagree with as much of her insides that says she's not. Sometimes it's overbearing. Your good at a lot of things. Quite lucky actually. But modest is where people succeed in life. Or atleast i think so. What can I say though cause i turn around and do the same thing sometimes.
I have understood that she is most definately not the same exact girl I dated what would have been our 3rd year a couple days ago. She's more independent, she doesn't need physical love as much (cuddling, kissing, or even sex (which i actually couldn't care about though it feels great it should never be the defining point of a relationship)). She still want's to do what she wants to do, unless she looks over and see's me toughing through it, in which i appreciate. But none of this means anything. It's nothing more than a few things that can get a little unnerving. not a big deal really.
But I'm here left thinking what is going on with all this. I know she loves me, I really do. She knows what she did wrong and she also knows im not mad at anything about this past year, It was a growth year for the both of us. We both did our own things. I mantained contact with her and made myself a constant for her. Cause I really do think Constants can make a person's life more enduring.
I'm not sure where all this is leading I really don't. I think it just comes down to me wondering am I setting myself up for disaster again. Am I the one who's going to get hurt. Are things going to be great for a year and disapate. 6 months. 1 month. who knows. We don't fight. We're back to where the good times were. Well not even that it's like we have a happy medium between our first 2 years right now. We're loving life and yet being grown up. Joking around but being serious. I have always known that I love this girl. It's been the only thing i have ever been certain of in my life. A part of me just wants to make sure that this is True. I feel it is. I just haven't quite convinced my brain to think that way just yet. What can I say he's stubborn.
Fate is a magical and odd entity to life. It can give you the dreams you have always envisioned yet all the while in La La Land, it mixes things up and make sure that there is strife and work. Nothing should just be so easy you wonder if there's more to it. Fate, the good Fate requires work. Attention. Attitude. Involvement. Ideology. I'm putting forth so much effort. Well I wouldn't even call it effort so much as putting somethings ahead of others that I just wonder if Lindsay is doing the same thing. I think she is. I really do. I'm just still a bit confused. I really am. This is everything i've wanted and hoped for the past year. All the tears and tension lead me to her. I have her now, it's still a bit daunting. I'm just still in shock. I asked her out back on the 3rd again. I hope we have many more anniversaries to come.
I dunno I'm just tired and the tired brain loves to churn the wheels. Tired bodies make the brain push forth things you should have laid to rest. I'm fighting the good fight. but i feel there are casulaties. I really love Lindsay, and I want to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her. I need that.
posted by Tim Zimm | 11:51 PM
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