Editing.
So I've been thinking...As I do often enough. Accomplishments are hard to come by. I'm 21 years old and should I feel accomplished at a young age, and if not than how does a life full of failures make sense. I am noticing that all these grey areas, the unknown, the quasi failures, parts me from everyone. Am I slowly becoming disconnected with society, with people. Really it's not so much me feeling disappointed or feeling as if a failure, I believe more along the lines that I try so hard to be true, to do what is right, to turn the other cheek, to look at people for the good they are no matter how bad they are. In the light of everything this is good and right. I don't fault people. I do what is best. So when a situation occurs with me having a chance to excel or have an opportunity I see what only the good can happen.
Reality hits, and what is good and what is right and what I want doesn't happen. So now I'm scared, I'm frustrated, I'm nervous. I don't put my emotions out there in the open cause of what will happen.
Everything is just so tumultorous. I study life so much. Interactions. Beliefs. Cause and Effect. I have my idea of life that is ever changing. There really is nothing concrete about life. Nature verses Nurture. Life over Love. Religion and Science. Nothing is certain in life. Everything is ideas. And with those ideas the people who choose them. Affects not only the idea but themselves. I'm laid back cause I know the mortality of life, you don't watch your mom die for 10 months and not learn a lesson or 2. But it has also made me calloused about the intangibles of life. Especially coupled with the notion of losing love (my mom and my long time girlfriend).
I know I shouldn't feel as an outsider in my own family, in my own friends. I don't put up an act infront of them but I also don't feel like I can be myself. The person that was myself had invested so much into 2 people that when they left huge parts of myself left too. Left or disappeared. or fogotten.
My life has been live, learn, and forget. I don't hold grudges, I'm not purposely mean to someone to bring them down. There is too many outside forces doing that already, not including your own personal demons and bats bring you down. I have no right to do that to someone else. No one is perfect. No one deserves not have a second chance. N0 one deserves to but adrift in this sea of unknown. So much uncertainty. Why can't we help each other out. Why can't someone help me out.
My own fault and demise. Slow and very slow demise. When you put so much into people sometimes i forget about myself. I forget how to express my emotions. It's just hard to not realize that there are no walls. no dead ends. nothing stands still. No matter how much I want to stand still and fret, the world, life keeps moving. The longer I stand still the longer the world grows around me. Like a fence with vines. Vines will take over. Life will take over wether you move or not. Why not move and have nothing holding you down. Make you own path not have it go through you. Sometimes I just feel like well if the best year of my life is 19 what else do I have to look forward too. Why did I have everything I wanted than and nothing now.
I need to remember that life, really everything in this universe, is a cycle. Everything you do, i do, we do, they do is a process, with a start and an end and a restart. You gain everything you lose everything, you get little by little back, till you have everything than you lose everything. Nothing in life is a straight line, everything is round. You can look over the horizon and see everything that looks great and continue to move and you will notice that horizon will disappear because you are not moving forward you are moving around, but the same thing goes with out on that horizon of everything bad. if you keep moving around the circle things will get better. You, I can't stop at the good or the bad. Either way will lead to a demise.
I am just ready to hit that cusp again. To get to the next horizon, to get to that point where I can look forward instead of behind me. Everything is a process and nothing happens overnight. Things have to occure slowly and moderately, until you get that catalyst to push you ahead. What will be my catalyst. I need it, I am ready to move ahead. To pursue my life. The uncertainty of life is good, it keeps me guessing, it keeps me realizing that life is not a book. It's a journal.
Reality hits, and what is good and what is right and what I want doesn't happen. So now I'm scared, I'm frustrated, I'm nervous. I don't put my emotions out there in the open cause of what will happen.
Everything is just so tumultorous. I study life so much. Interactions. Beliefs. Cause and Effect. I have my idea of life that is ever changing. There really is nothing concrete about life. Nature verses Nurture. Life over Love. Religion and Science. Nothing is certain in life. Everything is ideas. And with those ideas the people who choose them. Affects not only the idea but themselves. I'm laid back cause I know the mortality of life, you don't watch your mom die for 10 months and not learn a lesson or 2. But it has also made me calloused about the intangibles of life. Especially coupled with the notion of losing love (my mom and my long time girlfriend).
I know I shouldn't feel as an outsider in my own family, in my own friends. I don't put up an act infront of them but I also don't feel like I can be myself. The person that was myself had invested so much into 2 people that when they left huge parts of myself left too. Left or disappeared. or fogotten.
My life has been live, learn, and forget. I don't hold grudges, I'm not purposely mean to someone to bring them down. There is too many outside forces doing that already, not including your own personal demons and bats bring you down. I have no right to do that to someone else. No one is perfect. No one deserves not have a second chance. N0 one deserves to but adrift in this sea of unknown. So much uncertainty. Why can't we help each other out. Why can't someone help me out.
My own fault and demise. Slow and very slow demise. When you put so much into people sometimes i forget about myself. I forget how to express my emotions. It's just hard to not realize that there are no walls. no dead ends. nothing stands still. No matter how much I want to stand still and fret, the world, life keeps moving. The longer I stand still the longer the world grows around me. Like a fence with vines. Vines will take over. Life will take over wether you move or not. Why not move and have nothing holding you down. Make you own path not have it go through you. Sometimes I just feel like well if the best year of my life is 19 what else do I have to look forward too. Why did I have everything I wanted than and nothing now.
I need to remember that life, really everything in this universe, is a cycle. Everything you do, i do, we do, they do is a process, with a start and an end and a restart. You gain everything you lose everything, you get little by little back, till you have everything than you lose everything. Nothing in life is a straight line, everything is round. You can look over the horizon and see everything that looks great and continue to move and you will notice that horizon will disappear because you are not moving forward you are moving around, but the same thing goes with out on that horizon of everything bad. if you keep moving around the circle things will get better. You, I can't stop at the good or the bad. Either way will lead to a demise.
I am just ready to hit that cusp again. To get to the next horizon, to get to that point where I can look forward instead of behind me. Everything is a process and nothing happens overnight. Things have to occure slowly and moderately, until you get that catalyst to push you ahead. What will be my catalyst. I need it, I am ready to move ahead. To pursue my life. The uncertainty of life is good, it keeps me guessing, it keeps me realizing that life is not a book. It's a journal.
posted by Tim Zimm | 8:34 PM
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