Looking Glass.

What am I supposed to do. How am I supposed to act. Who am I supposed to be. I am constantly preening this image of self. How often I think of myself as just an Idea. Nothing tangible. To some a funny guy, to others an intellectual, yet to me a fool. I move about life as if it owes me something. As to say place what I want in the palm of my hands and move along. Nothing works that easy. Why should it be any different for me.

With love. school. work. life. I wait for others to be the catalyst for what I want. I am a natural leader but I can't lead my own life. I can make decisions but i can't act upon them. That makes me nothing more than a statue with a heart. That is not to say I am learning and progressing. I am not who I was last year yet I am. Last year at this time I was pineing for Lindsay, wondering where she was and how she just wouldn't fall into my lap. I am not now, but I do want a girl. I am waiting for the magical god of accidental love to let her fall into my lap. I feel confounded by love. How do I know what is right and what is not right. Should it just happen or do you have to work towards it. I have a girl who is pretty and knowingly has feelings for me but I am nothing more than a deer in headlights. Frozen within time as everything else moves forward. Except love won't be hitting me it will be regret, remorse. How can I move along life wanting things and doing nothing to attribute towards them. Life isn't as easy as talking to someone over the internet (though i wish it were). Is there a waiting game for love. for life. Is nerves a factor of life or a factor around life. Everything is a game of wants and needs. I want Abby, badly. But do I need someone else. Someone I feel more freely to talk with and about. How can I know with out giving it a chance.

Something is scaring me away from life. Not as in becoming a recluse and wanting to die, rather something is becoming a road block from me furthering myself in my life. Is it me not wanting to let go of the past. Is it me not wanting to grow up and grow old. Is it me wanting things I can't have. Sometimes I feel the latter. It's so much easier when you know the answer is No. When something is unattainable, there is no harm in trying, in goofing around. The second I have a chance I freeze. Suddenly it is in the palm of my hand and I'm having second thoughts. Is it that I don't want it. Is it that now I want something else. Or do I just want someone I can freely talk with all the time. When I come close to the answer only more questions pop up.

There are so many things in my life than I need to grab the reins for and take control. Ultimately it's up to me. No one else will be at fault. I have so many things I want to accomplish in life that I need to start now. I can't stop and expect it to fall into my hands. Because when you stop everything else keeps moving.