Turmoil

So as it seems, on October the whatever it is, it's late so i'm not sure nor do care. Possibly one of the worst feelings in the world is unrest, almost a sense of urgency on uncertanity. Uncertainity I have always figured is a good part of life, it quite possibly forces us to be human. Make decision, see the results. There comes a point where you have to just stop your brain from the inevitable meltdown.

It's weird how douct casts a shadow, larger than hope. Why do we do that, why is that the gloomy undesirable doubt trancends hope. Hope is so much more lasting and true. Why is it the hardest to grasp. I am a hope person, i always have been. Too much of our day is spent worrying about the gloom, the doubt, the almost overbearing feeling of failure. Hope becomes a better feeling that any of that, even when all signs point to the opposite. Hope is constant. You can always have hope, hope is eternal. With hope you become blind to the negativity, blind as in you can feel it, touch it, but you can't see the downward spiral. Your blind to the point where you push forward because you have to, even with the uncertain end result.

I know who I am to you. You should know what I am to you. Confusion is natural. It's always natural, confusion sets in becuase the future is an unknown. And in life, you want to know your future, everyone wants to plug in the the factors of their life and see if it equals out right. Sadly you can't. Not even sadly, importantly you can't. Life would not be life if it weren't for the risks. But you have to understand what is a risk and what isn't.

Am I the best for you. I think I am. I treat you how you deserved to be treated. In a guy, that is a rare find. Our life is a highway, we have our own lanes, our own path but we both are going in the same direction and we will both be there when it ends. How could their be confusion about that. What confusion is left, I am an open book. The present has already been unwrapped, you know what your getting (In me). Confusion is almost baffling, are you happy, do you love me, can you see me with you in 15 years, these are all question you should have already answered. What is worrisome about attachments. Only 2 things can happen they either bring you down or they push you forward. Yet these 2 things are only results from what you make them. Anyone can being anyone down if you look at it in that way, just the same with pushing you forward. It all lines up with attitude. How you approach the situation, the person, the objective.

Maybe your young, maybe just nieve. The feeling of trapped is felt only because you put boundries on the situation. You will feel trapped if thats how you approach it, how you feel about it. I am not going to pretend like I think everything will be hunky dory and everything will fall right into their place. But I'm also not going to pretend like i have my life planned out. I merely of idea's of things i think are pertenant and want to get accomplished. No set facts, no pre-conceived notions. I know what i'm going to do tommorrow. I know what I need to get accomplished in the near future. And i have a feel for what i want in my future.

Relationships are different. Relationships are built on the premise of can I make it in this world with this person at my side, can I see myself enjoying myself and my life with this person, do I feel a general feeling of Happiness when I'm with this person. Not is this comfortable. Comfort is an allusion. Comfort is eluding. Comfort is a pinch-hitter. Comfort is not a place holder. You have to feel good with him/her.

Do I want to be in a relationship built on soggy ground. Do I want to put everything into something when all that is left is pain. That is a risk. I'm willing to take it. The best feeling in the world is when you know that this person is in it for the long haul. Happy/sad Pain/euphoric Accomplishments/heartbreak these are all integral parts of a relationship. You have to invest everything into and that does not mean you have to sacrafice your future your goals your life. It means you have to know that unless something drastic happens you are going to be there.

But all this is passe when it comes to you. You have never been one to hold on to anything for a long period of time. Ideas and passions come and go with you. Few things are stable. You have mastered the unpredicatable. I don't know what your going to do or be tomorrow or next week. That is why I cherish the moments I have with you. Cause one never knows how fleeting they may be. Hope can make you unable to see the wrong, but whoever sad that is a bad thing. Like I said before why let the measley bad things weigh more (not withstanding stuff like disrespect or cheating those of those nature). The good is suppose to be good. It's suppose to mean something.

I am by no means saying I want to understand what you are doing. A sense of who knows whats next, is by all means a great thing. Spontaneity is something to be said in this day and age where seems like you are suppose to be prepared and plan ahead. But this is also something to be said about letting me know what is going on. Love is a dangerous thing. It has a euphoric double edge sword to it. It can make you see the stars of a distant past and also sting like hell. That is why love is sought out by everyone. There is no other feeling that knowing your in love and that love is returned. Knowing that unconditionaly that person will be there for you, and that you are there for them.

Can I withstand another heartache, probably. Will it hurt, like no other. Will I recover, who knows. I do know a few things. You are the second half to a great thing. You make me become a better person. You are the most important thing in my life. And I would do absolutely anything for you. I really hope those feelings are recipricated.