Reaffirmation
We have come to the time where it has been 2 months. Two months from the start of the new beginning. Where all the past prejudices, insecurities, doubts, have been forgotten and knowledge, forgiveness, and love replaces those disconcerting doubts. Like anything there are great things and not so great things that comes with the relationship re-do.
We basically got a year to do whatever we wanted, be with whoever we wanted, make mistakes, develop unbiased idealogy , and just develop ourselves. My aunt had told me (the day Lindsay broke up with me) that Tom and her had broken up for a few months and infact a couple they knew that was happily married for many years had broken up for almost a year before acknowdging that they were meant to be together. I half-heartily believed it.
Just like a who-dun-it, a year passed with complications, disappearances, and disappointments but came full circle when after a fate-full night together we realized. Let's just hope it wasn't my sexxxin her up that won her over but just my general being in love with her.
but alas 2 months have become and I am here. assuredly with her. Our year away has made her more defiant, independent, and more generally smarter. And has left me with more dominant and just tired. I did so much this past year I am relaxing at the thought of just having someone to say goodnight too. She is still very much afraid of relationships, with that in mind I loosen all barriers and makes what we have as free as possible. In no way do I want to feel pressured to be in a relationship just like her, so everything is understood.
For the most part I like to think that things in or around the 'us' is great. I can see that she loves me, and i can see that i annoy her. There is a viscosity that i maintain. In no way do i try to be annoying but understandably I and her too have no choice. I do talk about my feelings more, yet i feel she is more shrowded. or maybe the fact that I never did in that past and yet now I do and she has maintained the same level openness just feels like less. I'd prolly go with the latter.
I love her. and I do see myself with her. and I know she feels the same way about me, she may not talk about it, for the most part any sort of obligation makes her weary, but beyond that I know she's in it for the long haul. Though secretly I do hope she changes her mind on children, for any long term relationship I would think she'd start to figure out that there are more things in life than just her.
Which leads me into the number one, dissappointment. She feels that she is the most important thing to her life. That I would not say is a downfall, and infact a position that many people take. Not one I totally agree on. Yes this life is yours, and yes do with it whatever you want, and yes take chances and become something great, but do realize your not going to accomplish everything, and if you put too much on your plate than your setting yourself up for failure (with some accomplishments of course but with too many things can lead to too many failures). This life is not neccessarily yours, the decisions are. Life is sacrafices. Life is realizing as much as you are the most important thing to you...your not. You have relationships with others, agreements with people, standards to meet, and life to bring. I say don't just say no to something cause it might put a plan on hold, or put a bump in the road, or worse yet maybe stop a dream. Realize that with one sacrafice leads to something not seen. Maybe saying instead of Berkley i'll go to St. Mary's you realize that the west coast is really what you wanted. How off kilter that might be it's just an example. Sacrafices are rewarded. When you do something that is not for you, there is more joy than by yourself. Winning a court case might not feel as great as winning a court case than coming home to someone you love and see a dinner they made for you for your win.
There really are death risks and life risks. I tend to think the life risks are more rewarding.
We basically got a year to do whatever we wanted, be with whoever we wanted, make mistakes, develop unbiased idealogy , and just develop ourselves. My aunt had told me (the day Lindsay broke up with me) that Tom and her had broken up for a few months and infact a couple they knew that was happily married for many years had broken up for almost a year before acknowdging that they were meant to be together. I half-heartily believed it.
Just like a who-dun-it, a year passed with complications, disappearances, and disappointments but came full circle when after a fate-full night together we realized. Let's just hope it wasn't my sexxxin her up that won her over but just my general being in love with her.
but alas 2 months have become and I am here. assuredly with her. Our year away has made her more defiant, independent, and more generally smarter. And has left me with more dominant and just tired. I did so much this past year I am relaxing at the thought of just having someone to say goodnight too. She is still very much afraid of relationships, with that in mind I loosen all barriers and makes what we have as free as possible. In no way do I want to feel pressured to be in a relationship just like her, so everything is understood.
For the most part I like to think that things in or around the 'us' is great. I can see that she loves me, and i can see that i annoy her. There is a viscosity that i maintain. In no way do i try to be annoying but understandably I and her too have no choice. I do talk about my feelings more, yet i feel she is more shrowded. or maybe the fact that I never did in that past and yet now I do and she has maintained the same level openness just feels like less. I'd prolly go with the latter.
I love her. and I do see myself with her. and I know she feels the same way about me, she may not talk about it, for the most part any sort of obligation makes her weary, but beyond that I know she's in it for the long haul. Though secretly I do hope she changes her mind on children, for any long term relationship I would think she'd start to figure out that there are more things in life than just her.
Which leads me into the number one, dissappointment. She feels that she is the most important thing to her life. That I would not say is a downfall, and infact a position that many people take. Not one I totally agree on. Yes this life is yours, and yes do with it whatever you want, and yes take chances and become something great, but do realize your not going to accomplish everything, and if you put too much on your plate than your setting yourself up for failure (with some accomplishments of course but with too many things can lead to too many failures). This life is not neccessarily yours, the decisions are. Life is sacrafices. Life is realizing as much as you are the most important thing to you...your not. You have relationships with others, agreements with people, standards to meet, and life to bring. I say don't just say no to something cause it might put a plan on hold, or put a bump in the road, or worse yet maybe stop a dream. Realize that with one sacrafice leads to something not seen. Maybe saying instead of Berkley i'll go to St. Mary's you realize that the west coast is really what you wanted. How off kilter that might be it's just an example. Sacrafices are rewarded. When you do something that is not for you, there is more joy than by yourself. Winning a court case might not feel as great as winning a court case than coming home to someone you love and see a dinner they made for you for your win.
There really are death risks and life risks. I tend to think the life risks are more rewarding.
posted by Tim Zimm | 6:14 PM
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