true present
In the break between having internet and no internet I have been channeling my thoughts. Using a leather bound journal i received and feeling that sensation of pencil to paper.
What has happened in the past 6 months is not even a question it's a salt granule dropped on the floor. What has happened. Life is a highway and I'm passing up milestones like exits.
It's amazing how one can be thrust upon adulthood, take it gracefully by falling flat on your face or you can run and avoid responsibility like society is teaching us.
I find myself everyday saying where am I, how did I get here, who have I become. What Happened. A few years ago I was a bachelor, interacting with friends, going to concerts, doing anything for the people I loved. I was so busy always chasing love I never realized it would sneak up on me. How can it be Love when I'm not the one who is directly looking at it. It's like stepping on a nail. Before it happens the knowledge, the feeling, your mind has no idea what to expect or even to just expect, there is no word for it. It happens and now what. This thing has snuck up on me and now its apart of me.
So here I am and I got here with no map. No compass, just 2 feet pointing in some direction and moving forward. and in 6 months I'm a dad pondering the next step of a relationship with a promotion in the horizon whose friends are being replaced with colleagues.
Where was the transition, when did the baton get passed between young adult to full fledge all the way adult. Did I get my chance, do I have any say in this? Did I get a receipt or are no refunds accepted. Rightfully so, rightfully sew. Everything is a culmination of decisions and acts acted. A witches brew of a life. It's my own fault for playing it close to the chest.
Fatherhood, to say it's life changing is cliche but to say it's amazing is an understatement. There are no words that exist to understand it. There are forces put into play that can never be fully explained. I have ownership now, my life is no longer mine. What I say and do, effects everything. This old I, who would not be afraid to drink the night away to stay out with friends and enjoy the no sleep dance is over.
It's on odd feeling when you transcend yourself and know your out of place. I have responsibilities now I can't do that anymore. I can't be awkward drunk. How do you balance it out, this adulthood and young life. I'm 23 not 32. Where are my friends, what have they become. When did I get on the express train. A tourist who wandered on the wrong train, and now look too far from what it use to be and and not close enough to see what this will become.
But I guess that's how it happens. I'm just more lucid.
And what about love. It's a notion of confusion. I, like the rest of society, don't know what to think of it anymore. Is it love or is it languish. Has it become the well it's not the piece I need but it will work. Is it the well I'm done looking so it's this or nothing. or is it the I'm not living my life alone anymore. than again maybe it's love. end all be all love. the knock you out of your socks love the no more looking you got your soul-mate. Or is it all in a wash. It's that person you realize all that with. They say you know when the timing is right, maybe that's why I don't carry a watch.
My dad is getting remarried. How perplexing what if you have this notion of one love. Or is it too egotistical to think there is only just one for me. I never remember really seeing my parents fight, they always loved us and for what i can think they must of loved each other. Now he loves again. I always imagine love as a needle. It's only good once. Maybe its an addiction. it's missing that feelings of belonging, that warmth next to you the person to wake up on Christmas morning with. How can that be love than.
and thats where I'm at. Does it have to feel absolute before it's real. or I'm a romantic and this is as real as it gets. All those day dreams of past adventures, of what might have beens and those hidden hopes are to no avail. The future in your head always seems clearer than the one that could play out. but than again I'm an optimist.
So here I am 6 months older but 6 years tougher. Everyday is supposed to be a struggle. It's a constant fight to grapple the truth and discovering what life is. I never regret anything because a decision is a decision only indecision leads to failure. I would rather act and do something wrong than not do anything and watch this wondrous life pass me by.
I'm in the driver's seat not fear.
What has happened in the past 6 months is not even a question it's a salt granule dropped on the floor. What has happened. Life is a highway and I'm passing up milestones like exits.
It's amazing how one can be thrust upon adulthood, take it gracefully by falling flat on your face or you can run and avoid responsibility like society is teaching us.
I find myself everyday saying where am I, how did I get here, who have I become. What Happened. A few years ago I was a bachelor, interacting with friends, going to concerts, doing anything for the people I loved. I was so busy always chasing love I never realized it would sneak up on me. How can it be Love when I'm not the one who is directly looking at it. It's like stepping on a nail. Before it happens the knowledge, the feeling, your mind has no idea what to expect or even to just expect, there is no word for it. It happens and now what. This thing has snuck up on me and now its apart of me.
So here I am and I got here with no map. No compass, just 2 feet pointing in some direction and moving forward. and in 6 months I'm a dad pondering the next step of a relationship with a promotion in the horizon whose friends are being replaced with colleagues.
Where was the transition, when did the baton get passed between young adult to full fledge all the way adult. Did I get my chance, do I have any say in this? Did I get a receipt or are no refunds accepted. Rightfully so, rightfully sew. Everything is a culmination of decisions and acts acted. A witches brew of a life. It's my own fault for playing it close to the chest.
Fatherhood, to say it's life changing is cliche but to say it's amazing is an understatement. There are no words that exist to understand it. There are forces put into play that can never be fully explained. I have ownership now, my life is no longer mine. What I say and do, effects everything. This old I, who would not be afraid to drink the night away to stay out with friends and enjoy the no sleep dance is over.
It's on odd feeling when you transcend yourself and know your out of place. I have responsibilities now I can't do that anymore. I can't be awkward drunk. How do you balance it out, this adulthood and young life. I'm 23 not 32. Where are my friends, what have they become. When did I get on the express train. A tourist who wandered on the wrong train, and now look too far from what it use to be and and not close enough to see what this will become.
But I guess that's how it happens. I'm just more lucid.
And what about love. It's a notion of confusion. I, like the rest of society, don't know what to think of it anymore. Is it love or is it languish. Has it become the well it's not the piece I need but it will work. Is it the well I'm done looking so it's this or nothing. or is it the I'm not living my life alone anymore. than again maybe it's love. end all be all love. the knock you out of your socks love the no more looking you got your soul-mate. Or is it all in a wash. It's that person you realize all that with. They say you know when the timing is right, maybe that's why I don't carry a watch.
My dad is getting remarried. How perplexing what if you have this notion of one love. Or is it too egotistical to think there is only just one for me. I never remember really seeing my parents fight, they always loved us and for what i can think they must of loved each other. Now he loves again. I always imagine love as a needle. It's only good once. Maybe its an addiction. it's missing that feelings of belonging, that warmth next to you the person to wake up on Christmas morning with. How can that be love than.
and thats where I'm at. Does it have to feel absolute before it's real. or I'm a romantic and this is as real as it gets. All those day dreams of past adventures, of what might have beens and those hidden hopes are to no avail. The future in your head always seems clearer than the one that could play out. but than again I'm an optimist.
So here I am 6 months older but 6 years tougher. Everyday is supposed to be a struggle. It's a constant fight to grapple the truth and discovering what life is. I never regret anything because a decision is a decision only indecision leads to failure. I would rather act and do something wrong than not do anything and watch this wondrous life pass me by.
I'm in the driver's seat not fear.
posted by Tim Zimm | 10:08 PM
1 Comments:
I missed your writing.
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