where i'm at

Ugh what am I to do.

So many things going on what do I do.
I have dreams where miserable things happen
my sub conscience wants to wake up but secretly
i want them to happen.

It's funny how fate changes how one minuscule decision
can impact a life full of choices.

Instead I find myself dreaming about my sub conscience.
Dreaming of unfortunate events that are too dreary.
Yet it's what I want no matter how contrived they are.

I stepped into something without looking back and now i find
myself looking for answers in a place there aren't any.
Only questions of how I got here and If I can get out.
Why couldn't of things be different.

I just feel as if maybe things are not as what they seemed.
Not to say I didn't know what I was getting into, I just had
some skewed idea that what I had was what I really wanted.
I saw a glimpse of something It's amazing how much were willing
to trust which just a hint of want. Just a slight peek at a life
that you might have dreamt of.

That's how it always goes though. You find yourself in it.
It's hard place to be. It's like running down a hall full of doors.
Hard to believe all the options you have passed up till it's too late.

It's not that I have gotten distant or that I find myself lost.
I'm just a creature of routine and habits. We all are.
We crave that which has gotten us here. Nestling of love,
craving attention, jokes conversations.

I Don't find myself stuck but I do find it sticky.
Adraine today asked if i was cheating on her, it took
me aback.
Of course I'm not, it's not the type of person I am.
But am I cheating on her emotionally. Am I vacant.
I don't think it's totally my fault. There are aspects about
me she just doesn't get and probably won't.

I need to be held, touched loved. I need to feel like I matter.
I need to joke and talk about life. I need to be careless.
I need to be physical and kiss often. Picnic go to the zoo

But life is always a product of the time, and right now our time
is difficult. Bred about with the decisions we've made and how the
consequences have affected us.

I will always be conflicted with loves lost. And the one
who got away. Dreams will caress the soul and reality will
beat it alive. What does it mean if your scarred of something.
Scarred of what you will do. How can that control the decisions you make.

I just feel a bit lonely and a bit misplaced. I'm going to be a dad soon
and life as i know is going to be different. I hope i can stand up to the
challenge. I hope that I am making the right decisions right now.

Beggars can't be choosers and loves lost will confound your soul.
The one who got away can't escape the heart.

and I will continue on the path.
i will continue to dream.
I will continue to pursue