Allotted

With an hour to spare and a life time to go I feel compelled to pencil down some thoughts seeing how i haven't done this in a long while.

Two more months. Two more months than I'm a dad. Sometimes it helps if i repeat in my head because a statement like that doesn't actually register.

Stop and think to yourself. I need to breathe. I need this breath. Another thought that never registers. The fact that I'm about to be a father is no different of a thought than I need to breathe.

I had my first realization the other day. I was in the office, the doctor was talking about all sorts of stuff to expect when the baby comes. I could fill the blood run away from my race, like sand in an hour glass. Draining down my insides, a cold win ran through my body and all i saw was bight lights, at that point I was more hopeful that I was dieing rather than realizing the truth.

I've drifted so far away from family persona. I say I love you to my dad but it's so contrived and forced that it spills out before the the dial tone rings. Do I not love him? He is an excellent father and has done so much it's just that i'm not sure what to expect from him. He's going through the same phases as me, starting a new life creating a niche for himself. I'd say things would be different if my Mother was still alive.

Eh, my mother. I can go weeks without realizing that I had one. What does that even mean? An abstract thought. I don't know what to expect with raising a being into this world but I do have ideas about it. It's so confounding. I never wanted to be an adult this early. How can i show someone the path to being a good person if I don't even know what path I'm on. A pushover, a cantankerous, slighted. Who am I.

I'm assuming thats a question that never gets answered. You are who you are. I am this guy sitting and breathing. If i wasn't breathing than I'd be dead. I don't want to be some doting person about to guide a child.

Life is coming to a head, and I need to be the one with answers. What a crazy thought. The learnded becomes the learned.

I haven't begun to hit the full realization yet. I see this child move around. I see this woman carrying My Child. Am I in love. I haven't really been to sure about that word for the longest time. I say it often it's almost as complacent as please and thank you. Please pass the salt, thank you, oh i love you. Yet it all belongs together. Pieces of a train heading for the same depot. Death and eventuality. You become a child, you grow up, graduate school, meet someone, have a child than it's their turn for the cycle. You step outside the circle to watch it grow. to guide it along.

I'm just a never sure person. I worry. about everything. My heart breaks for so many reasons. I'm leading a life than I knew would occur but never fully realized it to be the one I wanted. Life's a necessity. As much as I want to Go Fish, I'm forced to play the hand I'm dealt.

So I'm left here with the same thought I had to start with; Two more months.

Two more months to build an army of diapers and wipes.
Two more months to enjoy life with no human responsibility.
Two more months to be the one asking for advice.
Two more months to be the one wandering in my cycle.
Two more months to realize what Love is.

I understand the outcome of everything, but sometimes I just don't get the action.