heater...

my heads on fire and my stomach is weak. The joys of being sick, a long forgotten art form that I haven't experienced in a long time. Today will be my last mope day because i'm sick, I just wish I could call into work, seems like that is a common thing now (or actually always). Work just ruling my life. Usually I just don't care, I let it run me. But I think my eyes have been opened, maybe not quite the whole rubbed with mud and washed off now I can see the light. Yet like rubbing my eyes in the morning and letting the shadows became atimate. I wanna experience college, all I feel like right now is i'm just visiting. Foreshadowing of life. I wanna come in and take my shoes. All these things I use to do have disappeared. Church, friends, reading and movies, memories. Memories being replaced with to do lists and babysitting kids. Getting frustrated and coming home drained. Bits of exsistence fading away, taken for granted and taken away. Too many things competing means somethings gotta lose. I don't want it to be school. I don't want it to be chances, chances at something I use to feel, chances with late nights walking aimlessly, museum visits, hideaways, and all the warmth that follows. The more I stew on chances, the more I realize how fleeting they are, moments inbetween moments. Chances to do what is right or to do what is neccessary. To life or to breathe. To understands or to comprehend. I hold true the ideology something is right is worth fighting for, even if it's a losing battle, even if its you versus the volcano. In the end hope with dedication and perserverance will win out. There are no cliff notes to life, no shortcuts and no easy way outs. Only paths to follow and the choice is yours. Some are paved with limestone others fade into shadows, niether show you the end, only the fade to the horizon. Life is too short and too inconsistent to miss oppurtunities. Nothing is mulitiple choice only fill in the blank and I'm tired of guessing. I want to know the answers, give them a try and feel confident. Ultimately it's up to me, only one person is driving in your life and it's not a butler. Though God and fate might be a good GPS system.